#2493 - Protect Our Parks 16

[00:01] Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! [00:12] Let's go! We're back boys! We're back! We are back! We're Comedy Oasis! We're Comedy Oasis! [00:19] That's right. What's the story, Morty Glory? It's been almost a year. [00:23] Wow, it's flying by. What are we, 12 now? Is this 12th episode? I don't know. I think we're away. Yeah. What? I think 40. [00:30] Damn, that's a lot of drinking. How many times have we played Freebird? Oh, we're playing it again. We're going to go to the exact same episode we always did. We're going to talk about coming out of the closet. Play Metallica. Yeah, play Metallica. R. Kelly. So it turns out that that lady, that was a scam, that was fake. The lady who forced the guy to fuck her. Was it J.P. Morgan? What? Yeah, it wasn't real. She was hot. I know. Was that in the last one we did? Jamie said it's fake, right? It's fake? [01:00] It's like there was like a the lawsuit is not accurate. Apparently it's like a retaliatory lawsuit. So he just claimed that she said all those things. She made him fuck her. Damn. What a pussy. Wait, is he an Indian guy? [01:12] I believe so. Yeah. Gross. It does read like an Indian guy now that I'm thinking about it. Like a scam? Like the horniest guy ever. Just coming up with the hottest scene. [01:23] She called them cannons. Once a lady calls her tits cannons. Have you ever heard of a girl call her tits cannons? It's such an 18-year-old or 16-year-old boy thing. I've never heard cannons. Cannons. I've heard guys talk about a girl's cannons when she's nowhere near them. I've heard cans. Cans, sure.

[01:42] And torpedoes. I've heard cannons, I think. I'm pretty sure I've heard cannons. Nick Cannon. Jugs. Nick Cannon. Yeah. Jugs. [01:51] Sweater puppets, fun bags, knockers. Just boobs and tits. But a lady saying that? That's no lady. I'm sure. She said. She did? That's no lady. She said, I'm sure your fish head Asian wife doesn't have cannons like this? Fish head. That's what he said? That's what he said. She said. Damn. What's that to mean more movies? Is he claiming it's that? [02:12] - Okay. [02:13] Strip tease. No, no. When she was the boss, she made the guy fuck her. Disclosure. Disclosure. Oh, I used to yank it to that one. Oh, gosh, she was hot. That article almost made me yank it this morning. I know, right? I was laying in bed, seeing that Twitter thing. Fish head. Damn, she's hot as hell. She's hot. Indian guys should write more slut. This guy's a writer, yeah. So if you got fired and he made up that story, what should the repercussions be? Jail. [02:36] Yeah. You can't just do that. Especially well, for sure. Well, it was a guy. The guy would be if it was a guy and a woman claimed that the guy said these terrible things, the guy would be fired. He would be shamed. But no one's mad at that lady. [02:52] No, no. No, we love that lady for making him fuck her. No, we love the lady. Even in the moment before it came out as a hoax, when they thought it was true, her boss was like, come on, you can't be doing that. [03:03] That's about as bad as it got. Or he pulled her into the office and go, let me see them. Let me see these cannons. Plus, I've got the missiles. We just got to do our research, do diligence. I just got to see the cannons. Which also, we should.

[03:18] He might be telling the truth. Are we sure it's fake yet? Are we sure it's fake? Can a boy dream. What a great way to have no one believe you is if you intentionally use words like that. I would never speak that way. [03:32] There's been a string of middle-aged horrors going around lately. Have you noticed that? Well, it's back. It's back. Like the reporter chick who's been banging the football coach. [03:40] Uh, Christy Noem was cheating on that guy with the tits. Well, that guy with the tits was fucking... God, the tits rocks. Those are canons. That was crazy. The chick who wrote the RFK article that had a deeply emotional relationship with him. Oh, really? Yeah. But it was just texting. That was the second one. It was crazy. Then there was the second one she had like that. [03:59] She likes to get to know her subjects. The texts were wild, though. Really? Deeply emotional. Pull them up. Both back and forth? His version was wild? This was a while ago, right? Yeah, this was a couple years ago. Yeah, it was something like Let My River Flow Into Your... It was odd. It's like a Dave Matthews song. [04:17] Damn. [04:18] Does he text like he talks? Is it all jumbly? But see, for a lady, it's like a free shot. They never have to worry about getting in trouble. No one's even going to be in trouble. [04:29] at her as a journalist even. [04:31] It's not like she's discredited. [04:34] The husband was like, I'm kind of lame. The husband? She's married? The husband didn't love it. Oh, she's married? Which one are we talking about? Oh, she's a freak. Yeah. The reporter with RFK. [04:43] he was a heroin addict too he's a fun dude fun [04:47] Got after it. Oh, yeah. Lived his life. I like him a lot. Didn't use the stutter.

[04:52] That's true. It's not a stutter. It's a vaccine injury. Oh, really? Yeah. He didn't just talk that way? No. From the flu vaccine. Yeah, you see videos of him from the 90s? He had a great voice. Great voice. Black hair. Are you reading the texts? They're hilarious. It's like Prince Charles. Any dude who tries to be romantic, it's like, you don't know how to do it. It's a poem? Yeah. Oh, as soon as you're writing a lady a poem, it's over. How do we know this is true? I think it was verified. From what I remember, it was verified. It was verified. [05:19] Olivia Nuzzi. Nuzzi. She sounds like a freak. Yeah, she's sharing it, so it could be from anybody. She sounds like Staten Island trash. Your open mouth is awaiting my harvest. Oh, there we go. She looks like fun. [05:33] Not too shabby. Don't spill a drop. You're open Y-R? Who writes Y-R for your... [05:40] Come on, really? [05:43] Your open mouth is awaiting my harvest? That doesn't even make sense. You think he eats ass? Because that's processed. This is my favorite one. I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth. I'll hold your nose as you look up to me to encourage you to swallow. Whoa! Don't spill a drop. I am a river. You are my canyon. Wow, maha, baby. Wow, my love. I'm not buying this. That sounds like literature. But I can't have a Pop-Tart? [06:10] You can't have Froot Loops with the good colors? [06:16] It isn't in her mouth. I don't want these great Froot Loops, dude. That's great.

[06:23] You ever seen Canadian Froot Loops? They're bland and dim and dull. That's what they're going to sell here now. [06:29] It's over. We used to be a country. It's over. But there's got to be a way to make them prettier. Yeah. Without giving you ass cancer. Right. There's got to be some way. Give us the ass cancer, bro. A lot of people are getting ass cancer lately. I saw that. Really? Way up. All the dude who's in his early 30s has got stage 3 ass cancer. Wow. Yeah. But he also took four shots. [06:49] Four of them. Four what shots? Ass shots? Vaccines. And that gives you ass cancer? He can give you cancer. Allegedly. Did he boof the shots? That's the way to do it. If you really want to get a ass on how to take the vaccine. [07:03] Stuck the actual needle right into the hole. In West Hollywood, he's going to plunge her. Jimmy Boof it. He got the boofer. [07:16] Well, Trump almost got a shot the other day. [07:18] Isn't that crazy? What happened? That's the third assassination attempt on that dude. The fucking guy ran. You didn't know. You didn't know about the assassination attempt? Not really. It was at the White House press correspondence dinner. Where Reagan got shot. Was it Michelle Wolf? He got shot at that. Same hotel. Oh, really? So the trip advisor must be rough on that one. At the correspondence dinner. Was there a comedian there? [07:40] No, it was the mentalist. It was the mentalist, yeah. [07:43] Oz the mentalist was the host. You think he would have saw it coming. You think? He probably kept his mouth shut. He's like, I think we're going to go attack two more Arab countries. You know what's hilarious? Metzger goes, did you see the fake assassination attempt? Don't you know? Don't you know about Gilgamesh?

[08:01] Gilgamesh. He always brings in his references. The Rothschilds. Bro, what are you saying? I don't know any of the references. Oh, you don't know? If Metzger can't get it up, he's like, Israel. [08:12] Everything's Israel. [08:13] That part hurts. It's real. [08:18] Actually, pretty good excuse. I'm going to start using it. That's solid. From those Kanye clips you showed me were fucking wild. He's the best. [08:26] This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by Paramount+. UFC history is going down at the White House. It's the world's greatest fights on America's biggest stage. Watch UFC Freedom 250 at the White House live today only on Paramount+. [08:45] This episode is brought to you by the farmer's dog. Here's a fun fact. Research shows that dogs who maintain a healthy weight can live up to two and a half years longer on average than dogs who are overweight. [08:57] Isn't that wild and also kind of obvious at the same time? So why is feeding vague scoops of ultra-processed kibble still the status quo for most dog owners? Healthy alternatives exist, and trust me, I know. [09:11] I buy one, the Farmer's Dog. I use it for both my dogs. They love it. They eat it up quick. It smells good to them. It smells good to me. It's human-grade food. The Farmer's Dog makes fresh food for dogs, and my dogs love it. Their recipes are made with real meat and fresh vegetables that are gently cooked to retain vital nutrients. They also portion out the meals to your dog's nutritional needs, which helps avoid overfeeding and makes weight management easier

[09:41] best friends something every dog owner wants? The answer to that is yes, obviously. So try the farmer's dog today and get 50% off your first box of fresh, healthy food. [09:55] Plus, get free shipping. Just go to thefarmersdog.com slash rogan. This offer is for new customers only. [10:03] Fight night is here. Title shots, debut killers, and the rising contender nobody's talking about yet. And only DraftKings has you covered every step of the way. The DraftKings app is now available in all 50 states and includes all markets, bringing the game straight to your fingertips wherever you are. No matter where you're watching, you're always connected and in the game with one app. [10:33] Five bucks to get 200 in rewards within 21 days. That's CodeRogan in partnership with DraftKings. The crown is yours. [11:00] He's so fun. What's nice is the shooter was mixed race. That's nice. Is that nice? That's nice because you're always like, don't be white, don't be white. Or don't be black. [11:09] I'm okay with that. Be a combo. Don't be an Arab. Just an American liberal.

[11:14] Wow. Just the standard American liberal. [11:17] Had enough of the whatever you want to say he is. [11:21] dictator, [11:22] Oh, right, right. Fascism. Fascism, pedophile. He was like a smart guy, a valedictorian. He was like a scientist-y guy. I think he was a teacher. Must be extra tough for those guys. [11:36] You've never gotten into a fight since you were seven. Yeah. [11:38] And then you're going to get a gun and try to, like, kill a high-level person. What a step up. Well, he shot a Secret Service guy. Really? He hit him in the vest. Yeah. Oh, shit. They don't know who shot who he shot. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, okay. You're saying the Secret Service guy shot himself? Not himself. It might have been friendly fire. He's trying to get out. It might have been friendly fire. Is it that lady again? Yes, I think she was there. The lady was there. The one that looks like me? We were joking around about it in the green room. Imagine if she was like, I know I fucked up way back in July, but look, guys, I'm better. [12:08] I've been working out. Yeah. This is their second assignment. We didn't talk about this part yet. The tweet. [12:16] Oh, yeah, the weird time machine tweet. Yeah, this is nuts. So the Cole Allen guy tried to kill Trump. It's not inside the White House, though, right? It was at a hotel. Okay, an ex-account for 2023 wrote a single tweet with that name. With what? So it just wrote Cole Allen from 2023. The profile belongs to Henry Martinez, a NASA scientist who's missing. The background image from a website called Time Machine.

[12:46] in the head instead of the ear. The profile picture is a green toad in a tuxedo with a glass, exactly like Trump in the assassination attempt. Either it's the most elaborate psyop in history, or someone from the future is leaving clues in the past that only make sense once the events happen. [13:02] Why does time travelers keep trying to kill me? Wait a minute. How is that picture the same? That is not the same. That's just a bunch of colors and you can decide it's the same. No, you've got to decode it. You've got to squeeze your eyes together. [13:16] It appears if you squeeze your eyes together. Sailboat. What do you do? Like one of those things where you could say like words. It was always a sailboat or a guitar. Always. This is up there. Mall rats. Do you think that makes sense, Jamie? This picture part of it does not make a lot of sense, I don't think. [13:33] But it is weird that the guy... The tweet is strange enough. The tweet is nuts. Yeah, the tweet is strange enough. From two years ago. So he's trying to work up the courage for that long. Three years. [13:40] 23, yeah. Yeah, and then the fact that it's a frog, it's one of those Keck guys. Right. Those nutty fucking pranksters. It's funny if he was just... [13:50] Tried to search somebody's name. [13:52] He just got it right. He just nailed it. Is that the only tweet this guy ever made? I think so. Whoa. [14:01] There is a bunch of random Twitter accounts that have tweeted random names just one time, so I don't know what the odds of that happening are. They're pretty slim. I believe these are the eight guys we have trying to like... [14:14] work with mentally. [14:15] So one of them will be activated and try to kill somebody. Oh, right, like a Manchurian Kennedy. So that guy really was, is that factual, though, that the guy really was a NASA scientist, Henry Martinez?

[14:25] Well, so when the people were looking up his history, he had a brief, I think like an internship at JPL, NASA, Jet Labs or something. Yeah. And I think the other guy did too. I don't know that anybody knows more than that. It is weird where you find out a lot of these guys have all these weird ties. Like that guy who tried to shoot Trump in Pennsylvania was in a BlackRock commercial. Oh, yeah. What? [14:50] It's all connected. [14:55] I didn't get an audition for any of those. Yeah, right? I don't know how you get that commercial. I would love to get that gig. It's got to be non-union. Not only that, you definitely get brought into the fold. He was teacher of the year, this guy. So did this guy get a shot off? Was he close enough to get a shot off? Allegedly. Jamie said allegedly he shot a Secret Service guy. How are these guys getting so close? But it might have been that lady, the fat lady. Well, this guy shot him. [15:16] Maybe trying to get her gun out. Oh, shit. Oh, I'm going to get in trouble. She's not P320. He might have shot himself. She's handsome. [15:24] It's just crazy that they don't have better security. Yeah, what the hell? How'd the guy get in the hotel with a gun? [15:31] How are you not checking every room? How are you not checking everyone's bags? If you know that the president and Marco Rubio, all these fucking people are going to be there, and Oz the mentalist, and you don't have someone checking guns. Why is there better security at the improv on Black Comic Night?

[15:49] Yeah, throw up a metal detector. It's just crazy that they don't check for guns. That's wild. On a day where it's like the president is going to be there. You didn't check for guns. [16:01] We can't check everybody like that. It's like 20,000 people. But this is so small. They're saying he did shoot him, but this was the first time. Secret Service agent did not shoot himself. I don't think there's any question of what happened here. That video they're playing is the AI video. Yeah, that's it. Well, no, this is the real video, which is blurry. Wow. And then AI, they enhanced it. Because this fucking hotel has shitty old cameras. Oh. Which is crazy. So that guy running with the guy? By the way, the guy's putting in some fucking work there. There's some speed. He's got wheels. Yeah, he moves. That guy can move. [16:31] Fleck. [16:31] teacher he can shoot teachers you know it's a work at a school i mean what did he think was going to happen he was going to get past all the secret security guys get through the crowd find trump behind the stage and shoot him like how do you think he was going to get to i think these guys don't think it out but i bet they go like i'm gonna shoot him then everyone's gonna love me [16:53] Yeah, they're going to be Luigi or some shit. It might be schizophrenia, too. Yeah. [16:58] Yeah, he might be out of his fucking mind. But he lived, right? He's in jail? Yeah, he lived. The guy who shot Reagan was like... [17:03] taxi driver told me to do it. Well, he rules. So it was like, we're not all there. I think he's out. Was it Hinkley? Yeah, Hinkley's out. He's playing music. Yeah, he puts music. I think we've covered this on there. Yeah, he puts love songs. It's terrible. Terrible. Yeah, he was inspired by Jodie Froster.

[17:22] Jodie Foster made him shoot. There it is. I will be your man. That's a threat. 2023, recent release. Let's hear 2023. I like his job title. Criminal. I want to hear I will be your man. Let's hear what Hinkley's, what his jams are like. You have to pay for this. We have to pay for that? No. We'll have to edit it. Oh, man. [17:44] He's got his name on the guitar, just in case you don't know who shot Lincoln. [17:54] Shoot him. Shoot him. [18:03] Oh, yeah, he's trying to... I misunderstood. I misunderstood. That's what MKUltra does to him, man. Yeah, he looks like his brain's been washed. [18:14] - The first time we have been in the last year, we have been in the last year. [18:14] They just poured bleach in his ears. Yeah. They're going to release MKUltra files this week, I think. Yeah, I bet. I bet. They were supposed to release UFO files. A lot of black lines coming in that one. Yeah, whatever happened to the fucking UFO files? Did he do Kennedy yet? Did Kennedy out? [18:30] No. [18:31] What? [18:32] Z- [18:33] What, JFK? Yeah. Turns out there's some stuff in there that we couldn't see. CIA. Yep. Maybe some other ones. [18:41] Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna Lances. [18:44] House hearings on MKUltra next month. [18:47] What is that, a gang? No. I did see a... You don't know what that is? No. That's the mind control experiments that the CIA did in the 1960s, 70s. On the people going to hookers. Good, honest people going to hookers. Yeah. They took advantage of them. What? That's one part of it. Yeah, that was Operation Midnight Climax. They ran for office. What a good name. What a good name. Solid name. Yeah. That's absolutely proven. That's all from a Freedom of Information Act request and from some documents that they found. What was the guy's name?

[19:17] Ultra. [19:18] Jolly West. Yeah. And then he went and sold Jack Ruby and Joe. Yeah, Jack Ruby went crazy. What? So they're saying they're lighting Jews on fire, in hell. Like, they gave him acid. Yeah. He's also connected to Manson. Yeah. [19:29] Like, this guy was running mind control operations all throughout the country. Wow. They ran brothels where they gave the Johns acid, and the ladies would come out and give the Johns acid, and they would watch through a two-way mirror and then film them. Whoa. See how they react. Fucking hell of a night at the brothel. Yeah, I know, right? That's so sad. This lady's, we'll see you as our way goes. That's talking to me. Trying to get laid, and next thing you know, you're fucking seeing Jesus. [19:55] Jesus is in a candle. If you lean into it, that's a good night. [19:59] Right? You get a hooker, you go, oh. If you lean into it. Meanwhile, your wife's at home waiting for the milk and bread. Yeah, you come back. I was supposed to be gone for 30 minutes. I was just trying to get a hand job. Fuck is he? It's the worst lie ever. The CIA, they drug me. What do you want? How many marriages would completely dissolve if prostitution was totally legal? No. [20:20] It'd be a lot easier to do. Are they talking? That's the thing. The hookers are? Yeah. No, but guys are about to cover it up. It's like Uber ratings, you know? Oh, that would be bad. You know what I'm saying? Like some Uber drivers, they won't shut the fuck up. They won't play music. They won't see my passenger score. Yeah. I don't want an XL either. [20:37] Fuck. For prostitutes? That's bad. You know what I mean? If they made prostitution completely legal and then they had scores. Yeah. [20:45] Do you not think gals would do it? [20:47] I think they would.

[20:48] I think there'd be plenty of gals that would sign up. Oh, for sure. Prostitution was only... And it's illegal. [20:54] How so? Oh, yeah, they are. So, of course, if you took down the barriers, they would keep doing it. Isn't it legal in New York City now? [21:01] kind of I've never been caught how many guys have you blown? motherfucker I was a guest in this it was right there but they did do something where they decriminalized sex work in New York I think you're right yeah [21:19] Let's find out, J-Mo. [21:21] sex work I love when they read in yes they always have unhoused it's sex work until one of them's fucking your husband then it's a hooker exactly if you call a girl a whore she gets mad like which one is it [21:33] Sex worker. Call a girl sex. You're a fucking sex worker. Hey, that's a legitimate profession. Don't say it like that. It's a pretty funny way to do it. Prostitution is illegal in New York City, but enforcement and politics around sex work are in flux. Ooh. In flux. With active debates about decriminalization and new protections for sex workers and trafficking survivors. Anyone else? Well, that's kind of crazy, isn't it? If you have protection for the survivors, so you're saying that they're victims, but then you're also decriminalizing it. [22:03] You're saying that they're victims? And where it is legal, they go like, no one's going to abuse you because you don't need a pimp. Right. Because you're going to public here. Right. Probably should be. Well, listen. If you can give someone a massage, you should be able to jerk them off. It doesn't make any sense. You got that right, Robert Kraft. Poor guy. Old bastard. I met that guy. You can't help think about that when you're shaking his hands. Sorry they got you, sir.

[22:29] Sorry they got you. Just a normal thing. It could happen to so many people. [22:33] 100%. They set him up. He wasn't even getting laid. No. He's handy. And he's like 80. I never got a massage handy. He's worth billions. [22:40] Me neither. I'm down. Every single massage I got, I've been like, you should have responded to those emails. There's an app for it now called a tug or something. Don't ruin it for everybody. Get on it. Somebody told me how to figure out which one of the handjob places, which one are real. Epstein told me he goes, uh, huh? You know what? No, no. And he goes, you know, the ones with like locks in the door because there's no business doesn't want you in there. [23:07] If you have to buzz in, they're like, hold on, stop jerking. There's a cop here. My friend goes on a lunch break. It's pretty popular in New York. People are totally... When I moved to Philly, every single person was like, yeah, that's normal. Totally normal. So are the girls gross? They're Asian. They're Asian. [23:22] I think there's a range. And sometimes you get like a Ukrainian skank. Skank. Nice. Fucking sex slave. Would you imagine, though? What a skank you are. Have some respect for yourself, whore. How many relationships would just completely dissolve if prostitution was 100% legal? I think he has done already. Well, I'll tell you, Thailand it pretty much is, and girls fuck on the first date. [23:43] Oh, date? You're taking them out? No, not those. Regular girls. If I make you wait, you're just going to get a hooker. Really? I like that. Competition. They seem a little looser sexually anyway in Thailand. With the whole ladyboy thing. They're pretty chill with everything. They're pretty relaxed, except for kicking the shit out of people. They're really good at that. They're really good at that. It's weird. A laid-back society is so good at fucking people up with martial arts. You ever look at ladyboys using their training?

[24:13] Like before they turned into full ladyboys? [24:15] Pull it up. They train kickboxing. Well, ladyboys do Muay Thai, too. When they were younger. God damn it. There was one famous one who transitioned to a woman, but kept fighting men and started getting fucked up. Because now she didn't have any hormones anymore or balls. And so she's just getting the shit kicked out of her as a girl when she was dominating as a guy. Wow. It's kind of sad. Like the one thing that you're really good at, other than sucking guys' dicks. [24:40] Is fucking people up. No, you can't do that. [24:43] Thank you. [24:44] No, I meant on the streets. See, that's a guy. I meant on the streets. Oh, wow. Is it? Yes, that's a guy. Oh, right. That's a guy. Lady boy. That's a guy dressed like a girl. No, I meant on the streets. Oh, shit. Like, if you pick on one of the streets, they all come after you, but then they use their training. Oh, yeah. So they gang up and kick the box of shit out of you. And you're like, I just wanted to beat up a hooker. Why are these half men coming at me? These dainty, dainty men. All right, you need a drink. I got one. Oh, okay. Cheers, boys. Hey. We're back. Comedy, baby. [25:14] The parks are being saved. Dude, all over Latin America, anytime I got recognized, they'd be like, when are we going to get another projectile park? I'm like, I'm not really in the area right now. As soon as I'm out of Uruguay, I'll let them know. [25:27] Yeah, I would get questions from people. It was always that. Same. When's the next Protect Our Parks? Any times I run into someone somewhere. [25:36] Globally, too. Australia, I got it. New Zealand, I got it. It's all over. It is fun, though, when somebody, like, last week, somebody was like, when did you talk for here? I was like, April 30th.

[25:44] They're like, what? Yes. I'm like, keep it quiet. [25:48] I did that, yeah. It's very fun. The world needs us. [25:52] Oh yeah, it's good to be back. It's a fucking goofy ass fake fucking world out there. I can't believe how many we've done. Cannons. [25:58] We got that going for us. I want to talk to that guy. I want to find out what's going to happen. [26:04] Interview that Indian fella. Yes. Because apparently they're saying he got fired. [26:08] Is that what the story is, Jamie? He got fired and then he just made up the story? Wait, you can't just make a public post and your boss tried to fuck you anymore? Not anymore. [26:16] It all changed. I think it was a lawsuit that was filed. I'm not saying that the lawsuit is fake. But they're just saying it's horse shit is what people are saying. Does the lady still work there? [26:26] I believe what I read was that JP Morgan investigated didn't find it credible and she still works there. Yeah, that doesn't seem what I got. I was a guy. I don't. We're gonna put you on leave while we look this. All hundred percent. A hundred percent. And then like Trevor Bauer, like, oh, he found out it's fake. Like, can I get my job back? Like, nah. He works for the Long Island Ducks. Trevor Bauer is a Cy Young. Yeah. The highest award for a pitcher. He got some chick. [26:54] Pretty much told other friends, like, I'm going to go get money out of that guy. Yep. We got the text message to prove it. Yeah, he kind of proved it all. But Dodgers? Was it Dodgers? [27:02] I don't remember. It was like, hey, you can't work here anymore. He was with the Brewers. Brewers? No, I don't remember. Moved to Japan. Moved to Japan, tried to pitch there. And he's like, I'm good. He told MLB, he goes, I'll pitch for free. [27:13] And I'm a Cy Young winner.

[27:14] And everyone's like, that's crazy. Lost $300 million. Yeah. [27:18] Now he's playing for the Miners in Long Island. He loves playing. Oh, my God. Yeah. And what happened to her? I think she got like a slap on the wrist. Yeah, I think she was like, he was like, don't come after me anymore. Don't come after anybody else anymore. That's it? She did photos with black eyes. She got makeup done. He beat me up. He beat the shit out of me. It was all made up. It's a pretty crazy story. Monsters out there. Crazy. But the crazier thing is like, if it is the Dodgers, say it is, to not go, hey, dude, we were fooled. I'm sorry. Yeah. Here's your contract back. [27:48] How old is he now, though? He's lost years of his career. Probably over, right? He's still great. He just pitched a no-hitter. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's exciting. [28:02] How old is he, Jamie? 35. He's not a private lawsuit. [28:07] That's crazy because when it all happened with him... Yeah, he's 35. He's 35 now. It was about eight or nine years ago, wasn't it? Yeah, 2020. 2020? 2021 is when he was suspended. Five years ago, he was suspended. So he lost his prime. 30 to 35. That's prime. Ruined his life. He had just won the Cy Young. [28:24] He's just won it. Brutal. [28:28] Oh, my God. And all she gets is a slap on the wrist? Crazy. That's crazy. He was pretty much like, go away. She violated some part of the settlement and had to pay him 300 grand. Oh, great. That'll cover his fucking monthly whatever. Yeah, his zin. Jesus Christ. That's crazy. Got a couple zins out of it. She only got fined 300 grand. She cost him 300 million. Exactly. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Whatever you accuse someone of, if it's fake, you should get that...

[28:57] Punishment. We're trying to get done. No, I completely agree. [29:00] Absolutely. [29:01] That's never the case, though. Well, she can't play for the Dodgers. [29:04] Who was he with? That's the thing that's bothering me about this. It was the Dodgers? Yeah, when that happened, it was the Dodgers. Fake sports fan. He's been on a bunch of teams, though. Why did I think it was the Brewers? Because of his last name? Because Bauer. Bauer Brewer. So if he went to jail for it, that's what she should go to jail for. Because if she's accusing him of sexual assault... [29:22] He was, I think she was just suing him, suing him, and then public... [29:27] whatever it's called. Destruction of reputation. Yeah. Oh my god, that's so awful. Poor guy. You should have him on. That'd be a great convo. Holla at me, son. He's also, I think, pretty funny. [29:38] No way. Bro, you've got to get a sense of humor after that. If you survive that, I bet you have a wicked sense of humor. Planet Japan where they all have tiny strike zones. Yeah. That's one thing I think we could all attest to. It's not the only thing. You survive a cancellation. You come out on the other end just a little bit more. Funny. Yeah, a little funny. Nothing really matters. A little more pop. A little more pop to the punchlines. [30:00] He's throwing 102 in Japan. Look at Kanye. How many kilometers an hour is that? [30:08] biggest concerts in human history. Yeah, so far. Standing on top of the world with clouds. Bill Cosby must be amazing right now. He's blind, though. He can't read his notes. It's tough to read off a teleprompter. You're a blind comic. I don't think he ever read it anyway. I think he was all in his memory anyway. [30:25] I don't even know if he writes or if he just sits down and comes up with his stories. Because he's like a story guy.

[30:33] He is pretty good. I heard an album. It really paints a picture, but then you listen to Kenison, and you're like, oh, this guy, Cosby, is very slow. Yeah. It's a different style. It's like listening to John Denver versus Metallica. Solid comparison. Yeah, you got to be in the mood. Yeah, both good. Rocky Mountain High. Yeah. [31:03] That is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Don't do it. Fuck yeah. Norman, don't be scared of repeating. It's going to be a loop of that shit. That's fine. It's sick of shit that ever happened in a year. It's a yearly reminder. We're going to close out with a live Freebird from 77. Fuck you. [31:24] Did you get me a beer? Here it is. Look at this. Oh, God. We're doing it again. Bro, come on. Why'd you do that? Deja Jew. [31:33] Fuck these people are. Communism is dead for a little bit. And then Metallica's on stage. It's so sad that rock is dead. We were talking about that. Yeah, it's all queefy now. When was the last time? Where's the new rock bands? The new Zeppelin? Why stretch it around for a while? Those would be smaller bands. [31:49] But where's the big ones? It used to be Van Halen. It used to be the biggest part of music. Rolling Stones. Shredding. ACDC. [31:58] I know. I mean, Aerosmith. It used to be the biggest part of music was rock and roll. What the fuck? That's kind of crazy. Nice. Bodega Cat, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. AeroBullet, fine bodegas all across Manhattan. You got that right, Fatty. Get a bottle.

[32:13] But yeah, now it's country. Country's huge now. Which is fine, but what happened to rock? I know. What happened to rock? I love country. I have no problem with country getting huge. Yeah, what happened to rock? What happened to rock? [32:23] Who are the biggest... [32:25] They said garage bands are coming back with kids, which kind of means nature is healing. [32:30] Yeah. That's a good sign. Yeah, kids are tired of playing video games. They want something real. But the thing that doesn't make sense about rock music is everybody still loves it. Right. Right. [32:42] Everybody still plays covers. Oasis is doing giant arenas all over the country. But they're playing old songs. I took acid at that Oasis concert. Really? Which one? Which one? MKUltra? Chicago. Chicago. I got MKUltra. Yeah. I was just watching the concert. I was like, oh, shit. How fun is music on acid? It's the best. [33:00] See, I've never done acid since college. I go shroom now. Acid. It's responsible for Grateful Dead's entire career. I see how it worked. I mean, apparently, if you listen to the dead on acid, it's a totally different thing. They were playing to acid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they weren't playing for you to not like it on acid. You're supposed to, like, hey, you guys are on acid, let me entertain you for a second. Yeah, you're supposed to be on acid. It's like those ayahuasca eco-rows. You listen to them normally, they're not that interesting. But if you're tripping on DMT, they're pretty fucking incredible. [33:30] we were doing a podcast here, me, Sigour, and Bert, and you, and you're like, what are you doing tomorrow? Are you going to stay? Roger Waters is playing. I was like, oh, I got to, this is so funny. It's like, I was like, I got to leave. He goes, why? [33:39] Oh, yeah, I don't know. But my hotel I have to check out tomorrow. It goes, extended. My personal guest of Roger Waters. Change R.A.'s flight to the next day. And I'm like, yeah, all right. But then it was like, I got to find acid on one day's notice. Yeah. You got to shout out Roger Waters because he was way ahead of everybody calling out the genocide. Way ahead of everybody. He was doing it a long time ago. A long time ago calling out how they're treating the Palestinians. He really got kicked up. He's a little frosty with the heaves, though, is he not? He got frosty with me. Oh, there you go.

[34:09] He was living at me. You were fucking with him. He was on acid and he was fucking with him after the show. We were all hanging out and Roger was drinking. [34:19] This was, it was October October. It was October October. We had a one-day permission to do one thing. Exemption. Exemption. Come on, guys. I'll give you guys each a drink if you let me do one piece of paper. I chose the devil's cabbage. I was scared of the acid because who knows where it came from. I'm like, Ari, I got a business to run. I can't go crazy right now. I did some. Tony's ex did some. And I remember we were back at the hotel, and I was looking at this picture, and I was like, damn, this is a crazy video. Ari is full-on weeping in the middle of the concert. [34:49] This is amazing. Balling. This is amazing. He came up and sat next to me, and I'm like, what's wrong with Ari? He's freaking out. I'm like, dude, are you okay? I was not okay. He didn't even know what the dose was. He just took whatever the guy gave him. It was fresh, too. I had to let it dry in the AC of the car over there. I'd hold it on the vent. I'd let it dry some. It was like blotted paper? It blotted, yeah. Whoa. It was so good. See, that's the thing with that. You don't know when it's going to end. You don't know where it came from. Also, you don't really know when it's going to start. [35:19] I took a little, and I was like, shit's not working. Give me another one. Oh, that old move. Boy, that old move. I stared at a painting in my hotel room for 12 hours. You know how many guys have ruined their fucking entire life by doing that with edibles? [35:33] Yes. Gotten that second one. Got the second one. I don't feel shit. They take that second one, and then they can't escape. This is how those stories start. Every time you're like, maybe I'll take the other half. And they roll right into schizophrenia land. Hey. Maybe your mom's not really your mom. Early years of comedy, I pitched a show, and Lionsgate picked it up. And they flew me out to L.A. to pitch the show to Netflix and Amazon. It was the biggest deal of my life.

[35:57] And the night before, I did Tripoli's show, and he gives you a bag of weed stuff. [36:02] And I was like, I can't do weed. I'm a wuss. I'm a lightweight. And he goes, well, take some CBD. And I go, oh, okay, I'll do that. I want to get some sleep. So I chugged a bottle of CBD. And it was THC. I woke up. The bed was vertical. I was hanging on to the post. I don't know you're going to take it. It felt like the carpet was sinking with me. I was holding onto a chair. I skipped it. I couldn't go. It was too high. I was high for like 14 hours. Oh, yeah. You should have went. My manager's like shaking me like, you've got to go. And I'm like, I can't do it. I can't face him. Like Lisa. [36:32] That's so funny. You should have went. Oh, God, I would have sold a different show. I would have shoved my hand up your ass and operated you like a puppet. I would have made you go. I don't know. I would have sold, like, Duncan Trussell's show if I showed up. [36:45] But I couldn't face him, and I think they dropped me after that. Duncan is the absolute best at saying, like, fucking around. Like, he was going, hold on, I just got a text from my wife's boyfriend. [36:56] How's he doing? Not good. Turns out he's got syphilis. Poor guy. I hope he gets better. [37:02] Casual.

[37:32] And if they find anything suspicious, like new loans or changes to your financial accounts, they'll alert you right away. All through text, phone, email, or the LifeLock app. Even better, alerts are automatically activated the moment you become a LifeLock member. No extra work on your part. Get the alerts that could make all the difference. Don't wait. Join LifeLock now. Visit LifeLock.com slash J-R-E and save up to 30% your first year. [38:02] That's lifelock.com slash J-R-E for 30% off terms apply. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. When you're looking to hire, you consider someone's skills, experience, availability. But even more important than that is someone's enthusiasm. They should want to be there. Finding the right kind of motivation isn't as tough as you think. You just need ZipRecruiter. [38:32] slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter connects you with qualified candidates instantly, and their latest feature puts the most interested ones at the top of your list, so you can make sure you're speaking with the right people at the start. Use ZipRecruiter and find enthusiastic talent fast. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day,

[39:02] ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. There's nothing worse than getting that high. Like McCusker used to make weed gummies when we lived together. He would make homemade. Wow. He would like try to make shit. Gummies. It was crazy. And then I'd just be sitting there playing Xbox and he'd be like, here, take some of these. And I'd just try them out. But one time he left. I did a show at a casino outside of Philly. He gave me a bag of gummy bears. [39:29] Obviously, I got fucking hammered, and I was just in my hotel room. I ate them. I just ate as many as I could. Did you know that they were pot gummy bears? I did. I did. But I was hammered. I was like, no, no. [39:41] They're so good. I just killed that fucking hotel lobby. That was great. And then I woke up, and it was in a casino. My room had no windows. It was in the fucking basement. And I didn't know my buddy was also. I was like, you can sleep in my room. He was on the floor. He was this kid that opened for me in the morning. [39:59] fuck it. I was just like, ah, ah. In the darkness, I hear somebody like, Shane. I was like, ah. [40:08] That's something waking up high. It's wild. Wake up high sucks. I was like, who's there? You remember the days where Joey Diaz would have people in the church of what's happening now and he would swap out the 25 milligram edibles for 250s? He did it to me. It's like a package like this, whatever. And I see it, it says 25. I'm like, you know what? I'm a

[40:29] And then I ate it. But then something nags in your head. You're like, why was it 20? It was like... [40:34] Why was it open? Why was it tilted a little? Right. And then I kept talking, and I picked it off, and you just did 250. Oh. And you're like, Joey, you killed me. Oh, you would give Lee Sy at 500s? What? He would give him two 500s? We just got Lee again. We did a 420 episode, and Lee was like, oh, yeah, back to that. Indy 500. 500 milligrams? Yeah. It's crazy, dude. That blows. You know what's crazy? J-Mo, Jamie can do 1,000 and it barely hits him. Shut up. Is that true? Yeah. You have no body fat. No, no, no. He's got some weird enzyme. [41:04] A slice of pizza or something. It doesn't work on everything, man. Wow. Okay, fair. Damn. Yeah, it just doesn't work with a spectrum-y. [41:10] Yeah, anything more than 10. Some people, every once in a while. His super brain just shuts it off. Like, nope, not interested, bye. Wow. Mine does not, dude. If I take 10 milligrams, I'm like, oh. Same. Same. Well, the UFC's are always great. We took like 50 in just like six hours. Well, you guys took acid at the UFC before. We were up in the bat seats. We took acid. And me, Red Band, and Diaz. [41:30] And then Rogan, it was kind of early on, and Rogan's like, where are you guys? We're like, we're up there. And he's like, seeing us. Like, are you guys flying? We're like, we're fucked, dude. And he's like, where are you? And he goes, half of my day was thinking about them being on acid watching these crazy fights. Can you imagine? It made me jealous. It felt like it must be so fun. Yes. Forrest Griffin came in, and everyone's cheering. I'm like, why are you cheering? You might get hurt. You animals. This is like 2005 then. Yeah. This is early days. Yeah. I just seen Brock Lesnar on acid. Terrifying, bro. He's a warrior, that guy.

[42:00] Like a Viking. You ever see his daughter... [42:02] His daughter's a champion shot putter? What? Bro. She's a fucking athlete. Oh, shot put. She throws that iron ball. What did you think? He thought I was shooting a gun. Bro, she's a fucking... You've got to see her. Watch her. Yeah, 100%. Look at those jeans. Hulk Hogan. But watch the video. Go to a... Jesus. See if you can find a video of her throwing it. I would not talk shit, Mark. She's a beautiful, sturdy lady. She's a wonderful woman. Mark's talking shit. I agree with Shane. [42:32] I have nothing but respect for you and your family. Oh, is she albino? I'm sturdy. [42:36] She's a Viking woman. I know you feel. Look at this. Whoa. Pale honky. Bro, that's crazy. Imagine blowing your shoulder out trying to fucking throw that thing. Woo-wee. Imagine her grabbing your balls. [42:47] Hachi-machi. Can't go over the line. Don't go over the line. Make a warrior with those jeans. Yes. You're proud buffalo. What's the mom look like, huh? She's hot. She's just a tank. She's a pro wrestler. She's a fucking transformer. She's a bulldozer. [43:06] Optimus Prime. Get the mom up. The mom is hot. Oh, yeah? She got all of Brock's jeans. Right. That's the mom. What? Oh, a sable? My lord. From WWF? That's right. Whoa. That's the wife. The sable is so hot. This is good stock. That's what I'm talking about. The puppies. But, bro, look at his jeans. Those jeans dominate. Nice cannons. Those are Viking jeans. That's what Iceland looks the way it is. [43:27] Viking Jesus. Oh, is that them now? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. She's 10 years older than her. She looks great. She's got a bit of a bulge, though, on the right. That's her hands. Oh, God. Jesus, you're really risking it. I lost Brock. Brock Lesnar's gonna fucking kill you. He's gonna find you. He doesn't care. Rock and roll. He's writing your name down with crayons right now.

[43:48] Norman Bad. He's got that sword tattoo right here. Just a real warrior. Yeah, he said he got drunk and didn't remember it and woke up and was like, what the fuck did I do? [43:57] You just regret it That's a lame tattoo You just regret it For sure [44:02] For sure. Well, Steve-O's got a dick on his forehead. Yeah, but that's for fun. He's got tattoos on an ATV. He was on the podcast, and it was like the first couple of minutes, and I was like... [44:13] Do you have a dick tattoo above your eyebrows? Yeah. What? I've done his part. I didn't notice that. Good impression. It must be new. I missed it. Yeah, it's pretty new. He was on a few months ago. J-Mo. Not even. New Jackass coming next month. Yeah, look. [44:29] Oh, man. What a lunatic. Wow. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend that. Post Malone tattooed him? Post Malone tattooed him? He's not a trained tattoo artist. Well, I don't think he has to be trained. Dick's got quite a curve. You're pretty good. Are there rules? He might actually know. Are there any rules as to, like, who can do a tattoo? I don't think so. If you're in charge or whatever and, like, have a business, yeah, but... [44:53] You can just do it, though. You can just do one to your friend. I saw fear. You can just do it with pen. Interesting. [44:59] Huh. Interesting. Steve-O's a good egg. He's a fun dude. Steve-O rules. He's a fun dude. Jackass rules. New Jackass. I was so excited when I heard it. It was like... Oh, they're doing another one? June. Bro, he played a bunch of the scenes where, and Knoxville did too, them all getting concussions. And I was like, I asked Knoxville, how many times have you been out? He's like, at least 16. Wow. 16 times. Out cold. It's funny when one of them gets Reddit rap for not going hard enough, like Knoxville did once, and he goes, fine.

[45:29] blow a ball off. And then like, and like Danger had one where he's like, I'll be the one this time. [45:34] Knoxville always went so hard. Yeah. It was bad. It was bad feedback. Yeah. [45:39] But they were like, you're protecting your face too much. He was like, all right, I'll show you. I asked Wee Man. I was like, who got PTSD this time? He was like, England. [45:46] England's fucked forever now. Oh, yeah. What? Why? Why? [45:50] Because they put him in horrible situations. What are they doing? I don't know. I'm waiting to find out. [45:54] What, Jamie? I'm talking about this one because the last one they got him. No, they got Danger Air last time bad with the bear and shit where you could tell he's like, this is never going to leave. And the fucking donkey in the one. That was terrifying. Donkey? He just walked up behind when the goal was to get him bucked in the nuts. He has to stand behind him. Yeah, he's just behind him like shaking and they're all making fun of him. And the donkey kicked him? Yeah, got him right in the balls. Oh, my God, dude. They had him get into a room. He obviously knew something was happening. He knew something's up. I have no idea. He just can't be. [46:24] He does look pretty good. Nice skin. He was always a handsome devil. He's a handsome guy. [46:30] So he's in the room strapped to a table? Doing like an electric chair. It's shocking him. He's like, come on, stop. It's annoying. But I get it. [46:36] And then what happens? They cover him in honey. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, the balls. And he's like... [46:44] Is that meat? Yeah. What are you doing? Relax. The fucking honey's in my eye. [46:53] Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Something's opening. [46:58] Mm.

[47:00] - - [47:02] He's got a chain on, the bear. Keep watching it. The chain is probably just so they can pull him off. Yeah. [47:12] Stay calm. Oh, he's going to lick him? [47:17] The chain doesn't attach to anything. That's a good point. Chain's free. Talk to it, Aaron. Try to calm it down. Oh, this is wild. This is crazy. Oh, no. I'm not there. [47:28] Are you really allergic to bees, Aaron? [47:31] Oh, he's trembling. [47:34] And then they shock him. What? He's still shocking him. I didn't even get the answer. [47:41] No, no. All right, we can't really watch. Oh, is that like salmon? Oh, my God. [47:48] Yeah, I think so. [47:50] Oh, this is crazy. He's so frightened. Oh, he's got the paw. [47:58] There's nothing more in there. There is, though. There's nothing more in there. That's not so bad. What if you just came? Yeah, it's kind of nice. Yeah. [48:05] You see his pants get wet. [48:07] They fucked with him real bad, though. This was... [48:10] So it's a trained bear. Sort of, though. But it's a bear. Yeah. You know what's nice is Bam. They let Bam back in the group. Oh, good. Oh, really? He's in the next one. I heard he's skating again. [48:22] Yeah. [48:23] Yeah, it's getting there. [48:25] So what happened to him? He just went off the rails? Drugs? Pills? Pills? Yeah, I feel like so. Now he's back?

[48:31] He's back. Hopefully. Come back. Let's go. Yeah. [48:33] Bam rules. There's a video I saw, and it was asking all the Jackass people who can skate. People are like, oh, Wee Man's pretty good. And someone's like, no, Dangerous is pretty good. And then it just starts the chiropractor scoring. It's Bam. And then John Knoxville's like, I can go to Ali. It's Bam. [48:47] I met him a bunch when I was going to college. Really? Yeah, I went to college in Westchester where they all were. [48:54] So, like, yeah, you'd see him around town. He was just the nicest. Yeah. He was always just the man. He owned that town, huh? Oh, yeah. If you had a purple Lambo, you'd see it. It'd be at the fucking Wawa. You'd be like, holy fuck, Bam's here. Holy fuck. Holy. With his eyeliner. Yeah. I drove by Castle Bam. You know the house they have? People of Bam? It was right where I lived when we were filming Tires. I lived right next to it, and I would... [49:16] Occasionally just drive over and look at it. Yeah. Every kid's dream. Skateboard shit in the back. He did some trick that was off a bridge onto a moving bus and then off the bus onto the ground. I think you're thinking of the video game. [49:29] Oh, I love the game. Maybe, but no. This was real. Bam's dad got fucked pretty hard, though. What happened? He would just fuck with him all the time. He would just wake him up and start punching him in the face. [49:41] It was great. Sweetest man on the planet. Bam, come on, man. CKY. Cut it out. I'm sleeping. CKY. Fucking rude. Crazy that those guys did that for so long. Oh, yeah. Like, that seemed like a thing you could only do, like, once. Hell, they're still going. Yeah. One of the first places I ever did stand up and hosted my own show was his bar in Westchester. Wow. The note. Like, how old are they? Like, how old is Steve-O? He's got to be 50. Yeah. 50.

[50:07] You're... [50:08] I like what the... [50:11] What are you going to do to him? Oh, the dad finally gets his revenge. He's hiding behind the door. [50:18] Thank you. [50:19] the atalions in Vietnam. [50:20] Yeah, Jackass rules. Yeah, hell yeah. Jackass is the best. It's the best comedies. [50:25] That's a... [50:26] It's just crazy that those guys made a career doing that. They became famous just fucking each other up. We all copied them. Me and my friends were outside filming us jumping into trees off the roof and shit. Totally. We all were like, this is the coolest thing ever. Yeah. They were the first ones to be like, don't do this. [50:42] Anyway, that's the legal part. Now watch. I try to do it. This shit's fine. We're having a blast, though. You should try it. But don't do it legally. Yeah. [50:50] How is the new Fear Factor? I know Knoxville's hosting it. What? Knoxville, yeah. He came on to promote it. [50:58] He's hosting the new Fear Factor. It's very nice. I love Jackass so much. Yeah, me too. He's a good dude. Johnny Knoxville's a really nice guy. The coolest. Yeah. Although his dick is broken. That sucks. I think it's fixed. Oh, great. I think they fix it. Fix that nowadays. All right. Stem cells. Fucking everyone's getting them. I got them. Everyone's getting dicks these days. Wait, you got stem? Yeah. Whoa. His knees. What does that mean? I don't know. It's been one day. I don't know. How do you feel? I feel fine. Did you see that thing that I sent you today? No. I sent you an article. [51:28] Well, this video of this lady is saying that the one operation that has the least amount of success and is the most unnecessary is meniscus operations. [51:37] I had one, too. I couldn't walk, though. What do you mean? I don't know. You had to do it. They said rehabilitation is better. Like, keeping the tissue in there and rehabbing it is better than having it removed. Interesting.

[51:46] Interesting. Yeah. I don't know. I had mine removed on my left leg. Yeah. [51:52] But it does fuck with me more than my right leg. [51:54] And what did you have in the right leg? I have a tear, a meniscus tear, but I just stem-selled. Yeah. Stem-selled it. I tore it doing a kicking contest with Joe Schilling. Whoa. With jeans on. You're a jackass. Jeans on? What are you, R.F.K.? He just wanted to see who could kick harder. He heard I kick really hard. He's a world champion kickboxer, so he wanted to kick this thing, and he wanted me to kick it. And I did it with jeans on. What did you do? A bag at the arcade? We have this machine in the back. Oh, the test. You hit it, and it shows you, like... You tore your meniscus on that? Yeah. Because you fucking... [52:24] with no warm-up at all at 52 years old. Just fucking slammed it. Joe Schilling came in three hours early and stretching. No, he didn't. He did no warm-up either. That would be a great jackass. Joe Rogan kicks you. He had Butterbean punch him. I saw that. It's the hardest thing to watch, too, because he was already rocked and fucked up, and then Butterbean put him out. And they're in, like, a Target or something. Yeah, they go to a botega or something. The extra level, though, is it's not just somebody. It's Butterbean punching you. [52:54] It's somebody from the Predators fucking snapshotting it at your face. Oh, hey. Francis Ngannou punched him in the balls. The cup test. Oh, God. They just kept telling him, like, your fighter's going to come today, and they didn't tell him it's Francis Ngannou. Oh, my God. It's hilarious. Oh, my God. Oh, there he is. This is mean. I mean, this is too far. I can't watch that. Yeah, you can. Watch it. All right. Let's watch it. Watch this.

[53:18] And Francis doesn't even hold back. [53:21] Oh, I mean, that's going to ruin your junk. Oh, dude, that kind of pain is crazy. Oh, I feel for this guy. Also, that's a terrible cup. That's a shitty cup. No one should ever doubt danger ever again. Watch this one more time. [53:34] Oh, my God. He put all of his 265 pounds into that. The realization on his face. It's worse than I thought it was going to be, and it's real. Bro, it's like getting hit by a car right on your dick. That's brutal. Right. Look at the eyes change. And the thing about those shitty cups is sometimes those shitty cups hit your nut. [53:53] Like the cup, actually, your balls are kind of like poking out the side a little bit, and the cup slams into your neck. It's also, it's not, they just got this at Target on the way to this. Yeah, yeah. Right. It was like it was fitted. They were just like, I don't know, just give me one. Real solid cup with compression shorts. [54:09] See, Gen Z or Gen Alpha will never have a jackass. Yeah. [54:13] You don't think so? No, I think those are people. But what about these streamers that keep getting beat up? Yeah, they're came up. Oh, is that a thing? Yeah, these streamers are picking fights at people and getting fucked up. Intentionally dangerous. All right, all right. Yeah, there's a lot of streamers that are getting that fuck beaten out of them. Yeah. In a good way? Well, I mean, they're provoking people, and occasionally they provoke the wrong person. They fight club it until somebody picks a fight back with them. There's this one with Tiki. Tiki fought for the UFC. He's like a top-level trainer, manages fighters, and this streamer kid is in his face telling him he's going to fuck him up. [54:43] Tiki's like, oh, really? And he's like, yeah, I'll fuck you up for sure. And then he moves too close to him, and Tiki just cracks him. Is it the elbow? No, I think he punched him. I don't know if he elbowed him or punched him. It's so hard to tell because it happens so fast. But it's like the dude's in his face. And this is a dude, this guy, watch this. And he's got a drink in his hand.

[55:00] Damn. Is it an elbow? Slow that down a little bit. That was right on the jaw. It either is a punch or an elbow. It's hard to say because it happens so fast. Yeah, it's an elbow. Nice elbow. He dropped the drink. What did he say to him? Nice elbow. Are you sure that was an elbow? He said he was going to fuck him up. [55:14] Wow. He said he was going to slap him. I'll slap the shit out of you, something like that. Is that just cause? Yeah, I thought he's the wrong guy to fuck with. Right. Like, Tiki's really good. [55:24] Tiki Masala. He's big. Even if he didn't do UFC, I wouldn't walk up to him and be like, what are you going to do, pussy? Exactly. Crazy. He knew to drop it. And he's holding whiskey. Yeah. Well, that's probably why he didn't punch him. He was so calm until the second. But he dropped it. He let it go. Yeah. Oh, really? And elbows. Nice technique, too. One more time on that, Jamie. One more time. One more time. I thought it was a hook, the kids. Look at this. [55:44] Well, the elbow's just as powerful, dude. Especially coming out of Tiki. [55:48] So let's see what he says to him. He said a bunch of shit to him. [55:52] I said straight up. Are you the guy that got slapped on video? I did, but I slapped the shit out you know. Okay, I'm going to show you the inside of the house. I'll make you another clip. I'll do that. [56:05] Seriously? Oh, do that. Oh! [56:09] But these, some of these streamers, man, they make their whole fucking career out of doing stuff like that. Oh, he got up. Who's that guy? Wow, he got up? It's hard to say what's going on. Or is that the bouncer? [56:22] It's hard to say what's happening. It is hard to say. It's not him that got up. It's a girl or something. Well, I think he probably got up, too, because I see the black jacket. But it seems like he ran in there. That's him. Ran in there after him and threw a couple punches at him. I mean, the fact that he took that is pretty impressive. I would have gone night-night. Yeah, but you wouldn't have been there. I wouldn't have done that. You would have been going, I'll fucking knock you out. You would have never done that in the first place. The whole thing is crazy. I'd be like, hey, he was talking more shit on the way up.

[56:52] fights. They're just doing anything they can to get attention to go viral. [56:56] It's like a nightmare. Walking down the street and someone's like, what's up, bitch? Oh, boy. Well, I'm going to look like a pussy. I'm not going to die. I hate those. It's some guy with his girlfriend at Target and they just start mocking him and mocking the girl in front of him, forcing his hand. Sex. I'm just trying to shut up. [57:12] I don't want to fight you. Who are you? That's how people get shot. Yeah, you do it in the wrong place. It's terrible. [57:19] But it's just these kids today, like there's so many of them that are just trying to get famous. Like the number one thing that kids want today is to get famous. You know, they used to like do a list. What do you want to do when you grow up? What are your goals? Like a giant percentage of them are get famous. That's true. What's up with that clavicular homo? You know what I'm talking about? I think he's the opposite of a homo. I think his whole thing is looks maxing to get chicks. That sounds gay to me. Looks maxing? What is looks maxing? [57:44] Well, one of the things he does is apparently he hits his face with a hammer to put micro breaks in his face to make his jaw look stronger. That's just trans. You're just man-to-man trans. There you go. Oh, man-to-man trans. Yeah, you've just altered your looks to make yourself more of a gender. Wow. Yes. Interesting. Gender affirming. Yeah, it's gender affirming. What are fake tits, then? Is that trans for girls? Yeah. Let's do it. Absolutely. I like it. No, don't take fake tits. All right, leave fake tits, but you can't fucking make us... It's gender affirming. If you're like, men look this way. [58:14] Then you're like, all right, so... [58:16] It's like you can be something you're not. [58:20] He gets laid, though. I'm sure he does. He's a handsome fellow. He's very handsome. Yeah, he's handsome. But he's like pretty. Apparently he does meth. What? Yeah, he talks about it because he finds it better than Adderall for controlling his appetite.

[58:32] That'll do it. This is the thing. They want to be lean. The wheels are going to come off. As lean as possible. Yeah. You can't do meth, but... [58:38] How about just self-will? [58:45] What do you overdose on? [58:47] What do you overdose on? I don't know. Which one is he? They don't say... [58:52] That's him. Yeah, he is handsome. He has a longer clip of it. He's pretty handsome. So what, did he just fall apart? Oh, they took it off the camera. But yeah, he's just like... [59:00] falling down a cahoe. He's about to be dead. You know what? I actually saw this and what was cool about it was how nice he was to everybody. Oh. Like, even while he's, like, overdosing, he's like, people are coming up, can I get a picture? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's probably not Molly. That's cool. [59:13] Maybe he overdosed on Molly. He looks like he's having eight. Definitely Molly. Yeah, it could be Molly. That may be why he's so nice to everybody. Yeah, that's not a K-hole. I bet one of those. You don't smile. Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, shit. But is that overdosing, or is he just on it? That's why the clips are going around saying overdosing. It's for dorks. It's not overdosing. It's fine. Chester Maxing is so funny. These terms. Look at him. He's like a boy band. Mocking. Mocking's hilarious. Everything is toxic and dangerous. Look at that. The streamer looks Maxing culture is tough. [59:43] culture. What is gooning? What is gooning? Gooning is a thing. We've had this argument. What's gooning? It's [59:50] Jerking off. Masturbating to just really obsessing over anything. It's hilarious. Okay. [59:55] So like a stalker is gooning. Ooh, could be. I don't know if you're getting that right. Double goon. It just means you're obsessed over something, which is like masturbation all the time. And then it's become like...

[1:00:06] obsession. [1:00:08] But I think it stayed with masturbation. It's definitely just masturbating. It's basically just being as horny as you can fucking be, and it's very funny. All right. It is. I'm goonies quite a bit in my day. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're a gooner. I'm a gooner. Yeah. All right. I'm just a beer. Can I get one of them beers? Yeah, it's beer time. [1:00:24] I feel like one of those. Joe Rogan's back. Yeah! Eight months off the sauce. [1:00:29] Wow. Moderation. He went on a drinking withdrawal until Trump said he could do mushrooms as well. And he goes, okay, fine, I'll drink. What was that like, beating the Oval off? Pretty fucking strange. The whole thing was strange. How about sending him a text message, explaining everything to him, and him saying, let's do it. Wow. Dude, let's do it. And then the next day, he sees me. I think that's his problem. He keeps saying, yeah, let's do it. He's getting texts from BB. He goes, yeah, fuck it. It always works out for me. [1:00:59] Shut down the straight. Who gives a fuck? He showed up at the UFC event. He shakes my hand. He goes, it's done. [1:01:06] And then a week later, we were in the White House with all the vets, all those vets that had taken Ibogaine and saved their life. You should have had, okay, it's missed opportunity. You should have had all those vets and then a couple dreadlocked white guys who were also like, this is going to help me a lot, too. This is going to fucking rule. I should have had Duncan. I should have had Duncan. Duncan dressed like a shaman. [1:01:27] Everyone's going to benefit from this. With a hat on like you're wearing. [1:01:31] You should have wore that fucking hat. With a suit behind the present. [1:01:36] suit jacket and everything. I was prepared, but it was in the other room. But he goes, come on in the Oval Office. So he brought me in the Oval Office early. You were not wearing a suit? I didn't see it. I had a jacket. I was going to wear a tie, but I hate ties. I said, let me just dress like I dress at the UFC. So I wore my UFC fucking outfit. So you were like Zelinsky in a track suit. No, I had a nice button-up shirt, a nice pair of pants, nice dress shoes. I was respectable, but I just wasn't wearing a tie. But I did have a suit jacket, but it was in the other

[1:02:06] He's like showing me all the new gold work. The Oval Office has like gold everywhere now. It's like all gold leaf everywhere. It's pretty impressive. Who designed it? Persians? Him. Oh. He loves gold. Definitely not the Persians. Bin Laden loved gold. He loves it. He loves doing up the Oval Office. Shane and I took a tour. Yeah, I was in Oklahoma. Wait, what? Yeah, we took a tour of the White House. When? [1:02:27] Two years ago? No, no. A year? A year. Biden years? No, it was Trump. No, Trump years. He wasn't there, so we got in, but they're like, you can't go into the Oval Office. We're like craning our head in with our feet just on the outside. Like, hold my hand. Like in there. Saw the big Gulf of America. Oh, this is back. Yeah, he literally just had a map next to his desk that says Gulf of America. You're like, damn. It's a map of water. Especially because you're like walking through and you're like, damn, Lincoln. There's a lot of history here. And then you see Gulf of America next to the desk. Hey, fuck. [1:02:57] What is that really gross bill that they just passed, though? What is that FISA bill that they just passed, Jamie? Yeah, something just happened where people are freaking the fuck out. Gross bill. Belichick? It's something to do with them being able to look into all your private communications without a warrant. Oh, I don't like that. Is there a new one? Someone told me that every new car is going to have AI testing to see if they're drunk or not. Yes, 27. And then they also won't abuse it. That's bad. Bad news. [1:03:27] driving to make sure that you're not hammered. [1:03:29] Get video of you. No more smoking joints in your car. You're never going to be able to drive. Get an old car. That's what I got. Get an old Mustang. Is that a real thing? It's likely to reject the house pass. Good. Thank God.

[1:03:40] We should force them to reject it. Jesus Christ, this is crazy. Three-year extension of Section 702 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act that allows federal government to collect communications of non-citizens outside the U.S., though it often includes communications with American citizens. But then if they suspect you of it, like with Tucker, Tucker was communicating with Putin's people to do an interview through Signal. So they took his encoded – so it's all encrypted. [1:04:10] is encrypted signal and they decrypted it. Someone who knows this stuff explained to me said it cost about $600,000 to do that. They said they can decrypt it. [1:04:20] decrypt encrypted messages. They just have to get the data. So somehow or another, they got the data off of his phone. They unencrypted it, and then they contacted him and said, we know that you're meeting with Putin. He's like, how the fuck do you know? They're like, we read your signal. And he's like, what? But he's like, yeah, I mean, I am meeting with him. I'm doing an interview. I'm a journalist. Yeah, well, that was his position. But it was also his position that he's using an encrypted app. Unless they're suspecting him of a crime, they shouldn't be able to look at his encrypted messages. [1:04:50] that you're sending things on signal and no one can read them, I think that's bullshit. I think it's more difficult to read them. So local cops are not going to do it if you're just buying Mali. That's not worth 600 grand. Exactly. Didn't Hegseth shit get leaked too on signal? [1:05:06] Remember that, like a year ago? I think that was because those... [1:05:09] People accidentally included a journalist. So it was like a giant group of like 10 people or something like that. And one of them was a fucking journalist. These knuckleheads. And the journalist just released all the text messages. So they were sending emojis after we bombed Iran. Here's a fun story today. Wait, that guy? Suicide note. Purportedly written by Jeffrey Epstein weeks before his death in jail has been kept secret for years, locked up in a courthouse. That means investigators scrutinizing his death lacked what could have been a key piece of evidence. In the last hour, they're saying there's a note they found that shit.

[1:05:39] A brand new note. Yeah, it just all of a sudden exists. No one says... They haven't shown it or said what it says. They're just... [1:05:44] Everyone's not reporting. Well, how about the fucking autopsy that says that his prostate was unremarkable, but meanwhile he had his prostate removed? Oh boy. [1:05:54] There's a lot of people that don't even believe he died. I think he's alive. [1:05:57] I think they just face-offed him, and he's living a good life somewhere. You just think you've changed him. Yeah, I think that all the people that all go to that stuff, like, don't worry, if we kill you, then we're all worried about ourselves. We're just going to relocate you. [1:06:08] Israel. Israel, maybe. That's what I heard from Metzger. From Metzger. It wouldn't be Israel. He'd live somewhere like... Why wouldn't he live in Israel? That's the place where he's most protected. It'd be like Cambodia. No, they'll kill him in Cambodia. You've got to live in Israel. No, there's parents in Israel. [1:06:23] Of who? At people. Yeah, but you know that's like the number one place where sex offenders go from America that are Jewish? Really? That are in trouble? Yeah. They'll take anybody in. I didn't know that. Yeah. They'll take anybody in. Yeah, especially Jewish people. They'll just take you in. [1:06:36] Wow, Jewsville had a run. He had Madoff, Weinstein, Epstein. Thank you, thank you. Hell yeah, thank you. The other guy. Nice. [1:06:43] Hell of a run, you guys. Cosbyberg? [1:06:46] yeah kind of proves kanye's point a little bit i don't love the uh the kimmel shit is annoying like the fighting with kimmel over the jokes you're like come on man i mean here's the thing about that joke adam kroll had a really good point [1:07:00] He said that joke... [1:07:02] He said that joke on a Thursday. On Friday, nobody gave a shit. Who? Who? What? Kimmel. He said a joke about Melania. He made his own mock White House press correspondence dinner. Right. And he said Melania has the glow of a woman who's recently widowed.

[1:07:16] Okay. Just does it. It's an old guy joke. Like, he's going to die. Yeah. It could be, or an assassination joke, if you want to take it that way, but he is old. Yeah. [1:07:24] Wait, after the attempt? No, before. So it's on Thursday, and this is Carolla's point. That's a really good point. He said, no one gave a shit on Friday. [1:07:32] It came out on Thursday. No one cared on Friday. No one cared on Saturday until Saturday night when the assassination attempt. And then all of a sudden everyone's blaming Kimmel. It's so funny that the right wing turned into the same fucking pussy faggots that the left wing are. It's the same shit. It is the same shit. It's human behavior patterns. You could call them left or right. I mean, this is why the left supports war in Ukraine. It's like why the left supports censorship. It's like the same patterns. It's control. Control and power. You want your side to win. Yeah, 100%. [1:08:02] they found the note. [1:08:03] Where? Nicolas Tartaglione found it. Oh! Who's that? Who's that? The guy who killed him. The fucking super jacked contract killer cellmate that he had. You know that story? No. His cellmate was a fucking super jacked cop who killed drug dealers. Oh! Yeah, dude, it was a gorilla. I mean, fuck. Show Ari a picture of the guy. [1:08:23] Tartaglione is this fucking huge, evil, corrupt cop. Yeah, super guinea. He's like a roided up guinea. [1:08:30] Damn. [1:08:31] Get an image. I'd like to see this cat. Look at this. Whoa! Imagine that guy's your fucking cellmate. Jesus. And he's killed four guys. [1:08:40] Four drug dealers and contract killers. What's he in jail for? Murder. Oh. Quadruple slaying. He was in there for fucking dogs. No. That's a lot of dogs. Look at the picture. Dogs were on his body. Cute dogs. Cute little doggies. He's a pretty good guy. I told you he was kissing those dogs. He's fucking ripped. He's murdering people, and then they put him in the sale with Epstein. And then he said Epstein tried to kill him 18 days before he died. He complained. Excuse me. He said Tartaglione died.

[1:09:07] tried to kill Epstein. [1:09:09] Epstein complained. And failed? Tried to kill him. Yeah. We tried to strangle him to death. [1:09:13] Whoa. And they found him unconscious and unresponsive. Must use that Rob McGraw to break out of it. Rob McGraw. [1:09:20] Whatever they do. Rob McGraw. Whatever they do. Yeah. [1:09:24] That is... [1:09:25] Grab a mega hat. [1:09:28] That whole episode thing is so crazy. No one's going to jail for that. It's pretty surprising that they're still not releasing it. Here's what's crazy. No arrests. No one's being brought in. Meanwhile, Comey. [1:09:41] He's getting arrested for a photo of seashells that say 8647. He's getting arrested for that? Yeah. He's getting charged. What's 8647? 86, get rid of. [1:09:51] Prevent 47. But you could say kill. But 86 is, if you get fired, what happened to Mike? You got 86ed. It doesn't mean you got killed. [1:09:59] But this is a crazy thing to arrest someone for. Of course. FBI arrested in Virginia. [1:10:04] Appears briefly in court. Well, they already had it out for him. I know, but that's a crazy... The problem with these guys is it sets a crazy precedent. [1:10:18] That's already... [1:10:19] That's the worst. Like, that's crazy. That's crazy. FBI. Are you going after me? Well, now we're going after you for nothing. It doesn't matter. It's nuts. It's nuts. Like, you're going after someone for something that's just silly. It's all so crooked. Get rid of 47. Right. [1:10:33] Free speech. But it's just like arresting a guy for that is nuts. Come on, we don't play that. Yeah. I mean, it's one thing, like, if you have, like, a photo of him, like an AI, you post an AI photo of him dead.

[1:10:46] with bullet holes in them, wouldn't that be nice? Yes, but also... But even that. Even that's okay. Okay. [1:10:52] Well, the Secret Service would visit you. Not as an FBI director. Right. But he's a former FBI director, so he's a private citizen at that point. He'd already left the office. It's crazy. Trump can take a shot, but not a joke. It's just retaliation for going after Trump? [1:11:06] Well, it is, but it's like they're just looking for any reason. It just doesn't seem – it seems like there should be other reasons. Like if the guy really was dirty, you should have something on him other than this seashell picture. Yeah, it's not. He just hates him, and he's using that. I know, but it sets such a – Such abuse of power. This was my thing when people weren't upset about ICE people in the street with masks on and no identification. I'm like, this sets a crazy – yeah, I understand you want the undocumented criminals out of the country. I agree. [1:11:36] precedent for militarized people with seven weeks training to be walking around with fucking weapons of war and flak jackets with no id and masks on that's all i'm saying like this is a slippery fucking slope you're going down yeah it's no bueno but then also they wouldn't have to be there like that if there wasn't these or there wouldn't be any conflict there wasn't organized paid for protests they paid people to protest they paid people because they had the fucking all that

[1:12:06] That's why the fucking protests were strongest in Minneapolis and organized, because that's where all the fraud was. That's where all the people were getting caught. So they said, well, let's defuse this. And Mike Benz said it. But it's not – you don't just give randos guns and go, all right, they overstepped. So here, you said weeks training. Go ahead. Go nuts. That's not the response. Not just give randos guns. They gave him a $50,000 signing bonus. So, yeah, you get a $50,[redacted address], a lot of them – [1:12:32] A lot of New Mexico. [1:12:34] A lot of them are Mexican. That's true. Including the two guys that shot that dude in Minneapolis, both Mexicans. Gotta make my note. Gotta make my note. Excuse me. Hispanic. Sure. Latino. Had Latin names. Oh, interesting. I was at the airport in Philly and an ICE agent was like, yo, my man, what's up? And I was like, yo, children. [1:12:53] Fuck, don't ask me for a picture. Do you see that Trump renamed it instead of ICE? Now it's nice. Nice. [1:12:58] I saw that. What? Yeah, I mean... [1:13:00] It's nice now instead of ice. So now you're protesting nice. It's national. [1:13:05] Immigrations, customs, enforcement. He's done it again. Never mind. Man, our leader. That's funny. He's a wild boy. Still funny. It is funny. Calling it nice. Is your thing about to go off? Is that where you're stopping it? No, I just realized I left my kid in a Somali daycare. I've got to go pick him up. He'll be fine. What happened to Ice while I was gone? Did they go nuts? [1:13:25] Yeah, they shot two people. Well, you don't know about Alex Freddie? They executed two citizens. Good for you. This episode is brought to you by Visible. How many of you are currently listening to this podcast on your phone? If you are chronically online, like most of us are these days, your wireless network should be, too. With Visible, you get unlimited 5G and unlimited hotspot, all powered by Verizon's 5G network.

[1:13:55] The cost visible isn't just a wireless plan. It's unlimited wireless designed to keep you connected and no contract holding you back. Switch today at visible.com plan. Start at just $25 a month or get our premium visible plus pro plan and save $10 on your first month. When you use promo code Rogan, an exclusive offer for podcast listeners. [1:14:23] This episode is brought to you by SimpliSafe. One thing you probably don't think about when you're planning the perfect summer getaway is protecting your home. But if disaster strikes, you want to be prepared. Even better, if it can be stopped before it happens. So check out SimpliSafe. They're the smarter option when it comes to home security because their systems help prevent and stop crime in real time before it starts. There's also no long-term contracts and no technician appointments. [1:14:53] custom system and set it up in one afternoon by yourself or even sooner. It's one of many reasons why millions of people continue to trust and use SimpliSafe. Everyone deserves to have peace of mind, which is why I'm happy to partner with SimpliSafe again and offer an exclusive discount. Right now you can get 50% off your new system by visiting simplisafe.com slash Rogan. That's half off at simplisafe.com slash Rogan. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. [1:15:23] Boy, you've been gone, huh? Killed two citizens? Well, there's one lady that got killed in a car because they were trying to tell her to stay put. She was protesting and fucking with them. And then she drove when the cop tried to step in front of her car. She's clearly turning her wheel away from him. She's not trying to run him over. And he just... Who, a cop or ice? Ice guys.

[1:15:45] Yeah. And he said fucking bitch. An American-born citizen? Oh, yeah. Yeah. A crazy lady. Kind of anyone, but yes. Lesbian. [1:15:54] allegedly the girlfriend was there do you believe in them though for real [1:15:59] Oh, yeah. She looked like a lesbian. You don't think? No, they seemed legit. Yeah. She had a kid. She looked like Brock Lesnar. She's a newly lesbian lady. Okay. Newly lesbian. What was the backlash on that? [1:16:12] It was pretty bad. Protest. Yeah, pretty bad backlash. And then this Alex Freddie guy was after that. Did they manage that one? The Alex Freddie guy was after that. The Alex Freddie guy was carrying a gun. And so he was open carrying or concealed carrying and physically pushing cops. It was kind of crazy. And then they tackle him. They found out he's a gun. This is where it gets crazy. One of the Border Protection agents grabs the gun and is taking it away. And unfortunately, the gun accidentally goes off. [1:16:42] is called a SIG P320, and it's notorious for accidental discharges. [1:16:48] So this is confusing because it's hard to tell because the video is a little grainy, but most people who are experts look at it say that – at least the videos that I've watched – say that that gun accidentally went off without the guy touching the trigger. So the cop has the gun. The cop's moving away with the gun. They say he has a gun. Cop or the ICE people? The cops say he – it's Border Protections. It's not even ICE. It's a different organization.

[1:17:18] The gun goes off and these guys think the guy has another gun and then they start shooting them and they shoot him and kill him while they have him down. It's a rough video. This is all my interpretation based on videos. I might not be accurate, but I've seen the video. It does look like the slide moves. It does look like the sound of a gun going off corresponds with that slide moving. And that gun is notorious. Like if you look up SIG P320 online, accidental discharge, you'll see... [1:17:45] tons of videos of these guns accidentally go off. I've had an accidental discharge. [1:17:50] I haven't had one of those in a long time. I used to have them when I was a kid. Wet Dreams? Wet Dreams. You wake up. Yeah. That's not accidental. Fucking Sig, sorry. [1:18:01] I got too excited. Let's talk for 20 minutes. We'll get back to it in a second. [1:18:08] Yeah, so you missed all the fun. Good for you. But it's like the only reason why there were violent people in the streets protesting is [1:18:15] it was an organized, paid-for protest. They actually physically paid people to be there and protest. They gave them signs. How do you get on that list to get paid for that? You've got to get on some wacky left-wing newsletter. I don't know. Still like that. [1:18:29] Yeah, you don't just put random people in charge of people. Well, I mean, you do have to get rid of all the cartel members and all the criminals that came across the border. I mean, they let more than 10 million people into the country over four years. America has a great way of overreacting to stuff. They're like, oh, Saddam Hussein's a problem. Let's go in there and kill a million people. Yeah, America does that. Yeah. We're not the best people to handle stuff, and we're still like, we should handle it. You know who else does that? Who?

[1:18:53] Israel? Blame everything on Israel. [1:18:56] I'm not blaming everything. [1:18:58] Yeah. They're a part of it. It is amazing how many high-profile Jewish people just – they have an opinion about everything. But when it gets to this, like – yes. They just avoid that or come up with some random way to justify annihilating an entire city. Yeah. It's just funny to me when Americans are like, hey – [1:19:22] This other country's overstepping. Yeah, we bombed Japan twice. Yeah. We were pretty brutal. Hold on a second. Afghanistan, Iraq. Those fuckers had it really come in. They were Jews. Twice? [1:19:31] The second one was just going, hey, check this out, Russia. I guess so. [1:19:36] But yeah, whatever. Well, that was a long time ago. That's true. Everybody did that's dead. [1:19:42] But based on today... [1:19:43] Oi. [1:19:44] Oy vey. Yeah. It's a lot. Like Lebanon? Bro, what they're doing to Lebanon right now is crazy. Well, they're looking for Hezbollah. [1:19:52] They've got to look under rubble. [1:19:54] Mmm, Barney Rubble. One more time with that lighter there. What else we got? [1:20:00] Thank you. [1:20:01] There we go. It's a wild time to be alive, kids. It's wild. But at least we're going to have drugs soon. [1:20:07] That's pretty nice. Well, at least all those people that are hooked on pills are going to get off of them. A lot of them are at least. It's going to at least give them something that works. [1:20:14] How come we can't get free health care? [1:20:17] Yeah, right? Why don't we do that? I'm paying out the ass. Why can't we do that? I bet if they took all the money from fraud, it would pay for health care ten times lower. Or Ukraine or Israel. Oh, yeah.

[1:20:27] Well, that's what's annoying. All these policies are like, if we get this much money, we can cure this. So let me ask you this. You have all this money. What are you doing? I think 100% free health care would be an awesome thing. But you also want doctors to be incentivized to be really good at their jobs. For sure. So you want like Dr. Gettleman, the guy that did your knee and did my knee? Yeah. [1:20:46] That's a bad motherfucker. Why can't we have universal health care and private doctors? Yes. We should be able to have both of those things. Like public school and private school. Right. Public defenders. You're allowed to have a public defender. Dude, the ease at which I got treated in third world countries was like annoying. Yeah. You just go in. Yeah. You go to a pharmacy. See somebody. Like, here's your pills you need. Here's your drops you need. Isn't it dirty needles and weird equipment over there? No. No. Really? It's Harvard trained doctors. Come on. Yeah. There's just no upsell for it. [1:21:16] $3.0 to $3.2 trillion annually. Oh. Oh. [1:21:19] That's a lot. Which is actually less than the current system that costs around $5.3 trillion per year. Wow. So we're talking about a savings of almost 50%. Whoa. Oh, my God. Why don't we get free health care? So a savings of $450 billion annually while providing coverage to all Americans, according to Perplexity, our AI sponsor, which is never wrong. The United States currently spends about $5.3 trillion in health care, $15,474 per person as of 2024. Wow. [1:21:47] Even when something goes wrong and you have insurance, it's not paid for. You've got to spend five grand to get anesthesia and then another five grand to go downstairs for the surgery. [1:21:56] What do you think is the problem? What is it? What is it? I'm not in charge. I would imagine the insurance company is trying to make you president. Oh, thanks. It's insurance companies. Imagine if you ran it. I got my teeth checked in Ecuador and they were like, you haven't packed your gums. I was like, all right. I was about to go home in a week. I was like, when I go home, I'll do it. I'll fix it. And they're like, are you nuts? Do it. People fly here to get that surgery because it's so much cheaper. Flight, hotels, all that is much cheaper than doing it there.

[1:22:24] Yeah. And we have a surgeon. And I was like, is he like trained? And they're like, yeah, he went to Yale Medical School. Dude shows up, sacrifice. Yeah, exactly. Well, this is why they clipped Bernie because he was trying to do this. So they got rid of him. That was one thing he was trying to do. It kind of blows. It's embarrassing. All right. Let's put it right. How much would it cost if school like higher education was was free? [1:22:47] Oh, there's too much money in that. They won't do it. Well, that's the same exact thing with health care. Yeah. Yeah. It's subsidized. We're making too much. It's where we're at as a country. It's all. And it's gone up. It's the same reason we're doing wars. [1:22:58] Yeah. Money? Just to make money. Of course. The oil? Nothing else. Not even just oil, but defense contracts. They need... They're raking it in. I thought it was just for fun. I mean, the war has already cost how much? Let's find out that. How much is the war? Let's just say... Globally, how much is the war? No, let's just look at how much Iran has cost us. There we go. That's what I mean. Wait, shake a guess. Let's do bets. Shut down the fucking street. How about Ukraine? Right, but I mean, just us spending... [1:23:21] money to bomb Iran. Just that. The simplest, lowest run without the economic impact, the oil impact. What about the Hormuz and all that? [1:23:30] Well, that's a factor, but let's just find out how much the raw money spent on the bombs. $25 billion. $25 billion. That's dropping the bucket. 60 days into the war. How much does Ukraine... [1:23:42] That's a lot more. So what concerns me, not all of it concerns me, one of the things that someone told me was that we've kind of depleted our weapon supplies. Because we don't have that many of those fucking missiles. Yeah, everybody says that. Well, we gave them all to Ukraine, we gave them all to Israel, and now we're fucking using them. Zelensky's a mooch. He just keeps wanting more. I don't think it's... Oh, you think it's his? No, I think it's... Adesanya? It's us. It's us. It's the U.S.

[1:24:12] together. It's all a big scam, Ponzi scam. Everybody's making money. You should get Trump on here. [1:24:19] We're doing great. Don't let anybody lie to you. [1:24:23] Maybe next time we schmooze them into free health care. Maybe next time we schmooze them into a protect our parks. Yeah. The guys are dropping in here. Yeah, brother. Let's do free health care. Come on, dog. Yeah. It's crazy, too, because there was a pill I had to get, like, three of. [1:24:36] When I went to Asia or something, and it was like I got two here. They cost me like $400 each. And then it's the same drug. In Myanmar, it's like $40. Well, that's one thing that he has fixed. One thing that Trump is working on is making whatever the low price is internationally, the price that people pay in America. And he's fucking hilarious. He was telling us, I've got a friend. I don't want to say his name. Very successful. He's a big guy. He took the fat pill. It didn't work. [1:25:02] But he was going on about how his friend went overseas. [1:25:06] got his fat pill. He went overseas and he was in Europe and he got it for like a hundred bucks. Yeah. And he's like, this is like $1,300 in America. It's crazy. He's like, it's not right. It's not right. And so he made it so that whatever the low cost is in these other countries, that's the low cost in America. That's what it costs here now. Is that right? Yes. Everybody's on it. It's like, you're not going to get all good. Any drug. You know, you're not going to get all good with any president either. You know, you're going to get a lot of bad shit because all these people are surrounded by demons. They're [1:25:36] surrounded by war hawks and demons and defense contractors and scam artists in the pharmaceutical industry. There's all these fucking people that are trying to make sure that they can make the most amount of money possible. Just all coke snorting demons.

[1:25:49] Allegedly. I was watching this documentary on the homeless here in Austin. [1:25:54] And they're talking about how like I was on schizophrenia medicine. I can't afford it anymore. [1:25:58] and they're out there just sprinting around. What happens if you take schizophrenia medicine and you don't have schizophrenia? Ooh, that's a fun night. I think I did that. A couple shots. [1:26:09] I think I took some antipsychotics and slept for four days. Huge mistake. It helps you. I take it to sleep. It's an expired fucking antipsychotic. He was like, here, take this. Does he take it? I don't know if he takes it. It was expired, so I guess not. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but expired medication, I was just reading this thing about that. [1:26:28] usable like up to 300% longer than they say it? Yeah, it's like a little bit less effective, but still good. Yeah. Hmm. [1:26:35] Yeah, but I don't even know if it's less effective. This thing was saying that it's 100% effective for a long period of time after the expiration date. I don't know why they have an expiration date. It's not like milk. Right. Yeah, the health care thing is really embarrassing, to be honest. It's really embarrassing. Star mental institutions and some free health care for these fellows outside. Yeah, science. I don't know how to. Obviously, no one knows how to do it. And we've got to do something. A giant percentage of those people are addicted to drugs, right? A giant percentage of fentanyl zombies.

[1:27:05] You need to get them on whatever medication to fix their schizophrenia. And it's also, it's not even like a fucking goodwill thing. It's also like... [1:27:12] We need to fucking break in our cars. It's for everybody. So what are we doing? Why? Whatever. Skid Row in Los Angeles. What's the fucking holdup? Skid Row in Los Angeles is 50 blocks. 50 blocks. The last time I looked, it said Americans pay $10. [1:27:29] more than two times the next country for healthcare, and we get the 17th best coverage. And we're the sickest. We're the sickest. Yeah. It's nuts. We spend the most money, and we're the sickest. I was just in Toronto. It was clean. Yeah, you just go right to a doctor. Even just driving around, I was like, this is crazy. How are we getting... Why is America... [1:27:47] I know. And our shit is locked up at the CVS. They don't have that. Everybody's stealing. Well, there's a lot of stealing. That hurts me and mark the most. Yeah, yeah. I love to steal. Yeah, you steal. Why are you locking it up? You're fucking stealing. I got a problem. Just at like airports and stuff. Movie theaters. You do it everywhere. Come on. Don't sell yourself short. They're going to watch you now. I got a sticky figure. I'll steal food. Just for a thrill? A little bit of a thrill. Can I get the Winona Ryder thing? That's cheaper, too. [1:28:17] Yeah, it's cheaper. The last time I saw Mark Steele, we're in a movie theater... [1:28:22] And I got some popcorn, and I'm sure it's closed by now. And then the lady turned around, I got my popcorn, and then he just had beef jerky in the movie. Yeah, they were selling it. How did you get that? He goes, most expensive item. I just reached for it. Yeah. Oh, boy. That's so weird. They up the prices. They up the prices. I mean, you get a Hudson News Clif Bar, it's $8. Not on my watch. It's ridiculous. Not on my watch. Once you're on the plane, you're home free, you know? That's true. You're raising the cost for the rest of us. Yeah, you are. No, you are. That's why it's $8. They put that in.

[1:28:52] They factor the theft in. You're a successful person. That's outrageous. [1:28:56] And habits die hard. Yeah, you don't... I steal, too. No one's going to be sympathetic towards you. You have money. I'm not asking you to. I'm just saying it's a fun ride. I don't want it. Does the beef jerky taste better when it's stolen? Easy. Everything tastes better when it's stolen. It's so weird. Diaz, one time at the airport, he just comes off from one of those bodegas, and he comes and he just shows me Tic Tacs, and I was like, what is that for? He goes, yeah, right? I got some. I still got it. And they're just stewing the garbage. Wow. And I was like, what are you doing? I was trying to stay sharp. That's a hard steal. Stay sharp. It rattles. [1:29:26] That's a hard steal. That's right. Triflar is quiet. Sharp is hilarious. What? I don't throw it out. I eat it. I don't throw it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joey's going in for surgery today. Uh-oh. Tits? Nice. Sneak. He's getting some skin cannons. He's getting a cannon reduction surgery. He's getting top surgery. He's getting his tits removed. He's getting that big scar. But him shirtless is rough. How many times have you seen it? Just once, and it's burned in. [1:29:55] I've seen it. [1:29:56] Everybody. [1:29:57] Joey Karate. Oh yeah, everybody's seen it. Yeah, Joey Karate's great. That fucking guy's such an animal. He's a fun guy. He's got his leg up to him at his knee height. He's pretty good, dude. Is he around? Did he move here yet? No, but he's coming back and forth all the time. There he is, Joey Karate. Oh! Look at that thing. That looks like AI. That's crazy. Jesus Christ. How's he alive? Without context of a background, it's wild. Wow. Bro, that belly is crazy. You gotta have

[1:30:27] in there boozing. What is that? Food. [1:30:29] Poo, he's grubbing. Oh, yeah, Joey can't stop eating. He doesn't really drink. Always high. He doesn't drink at all. I go to eat with Joey. It's a scene. It's a fun time. He loves it. Oh, that poor Guy. He goes off. He eats. He eats. [1:30:41] He fucking loves food. Oh my god, your Chinese plays by my place. You gotta come. He's the most fun human. [1:30:49] He's the most fun human that's ever existed. No one's more fun. [1:30:53] He's barely a real person So he's still getting up on stage [1:31:00] He's still doing sets. Oh, he killed. He killed. [1:31:03] He was here. He did an hour. Oh, wow. He's got all these great stories. It's really, really good. Really well done. All right. This is the man. Good to have him back. [1:31:13] That's the thing about comedy. We're kind of losing the wildness. When I started comedy, it was like Geraldo and all these guys are all dead now. Drugs. I think it's kind of coming back now, though. It's coming back. I think it's coming back because TV's going away. So it's like it gets down to the root of what is really effective in comedy. Wildness is more effective. It's more fun. If you're sitting there drunk in a crowd and some dudes on stage going off saying crazy shit, it's more fun. Yeah, because you live through them. But I don't know if that's actually here. [1:31:43] with jobs sober a lot of sobriety [1:31:46] Got to get up early for a podcast tomorrow. These young guys, though. These young guys aren't like that. A lot of these young guys coming up are doing drugs. They're doing clips. Oh, good. [1:31:54] Well, they're on Clips, but they're still wild boys. Some people are still giving it, bringing it. You hope so. Well, even back then. Late night at the cellar used to be so much fun. I know. When Mac he was drinking, when it was just a drinking crowd. It was a lot of whiskey. There's that here. Here. Yeah, here. Like last night. Yeah, last night was nice. We did it last night. Yeah. Oh, what'd I miss? We just had a couple drinks. Just some bros being bros. I was begging him to. I've changed my new peer pressure method. He's like, all right, come on, drink. I'm like, no, I've got to get up early tomorrow.

[1:32:24] Dude, I'm like, oh, you're going to call me gay and lame? Bro, I've been gone. I've had time to roomate on this. You can peer. You can peer with the best of us. I got to do peer pressure. No, I'm just saying, like, I want to drink and I don't want to be alone. If you're a friend. No, I was like, you were such a homo. I was like, tomorrow's going to be tough for me. [1:32:40] I'd like it to be tough for somebody else. [1:32:42] Do me a favor. Chug that fucking drink. Yeah. Beer one. He always comes in. He has no idea what your count is. He just comes in. He goes, you can do more. I'm like, I could have done one or seven, and you would have no clue. You're just like, you've got to go more. DeRose is up there, too. DeRose is the worst. He's the number one. Do a shot. It's my birthday month. Yes. Yes. He's like a chick. He's the biggest pig in comedy. He is a pig, dude. I hate him. He'll pour shots in your mouth. He doesn't care. He'll tilt your hand. He'll also go, come on, don't be a pussy. Do a shot. [1:33:12] And then you do, and then... [1:33:13] Ten minutes later, he's gone, and he's at KFC. [1:33:18] He's so funny. He always shits on weed people, too. It's hilarious. I know. He hates weed. It's so weird. I like his classic drinker. I'm with him, dude. His classic drinker. I think he was just around a lot of all the New York comics got sober and then just smoked weed constantly. Right. And then they're like, oh, you're drinking again? It's like, dude, you haven't had a thought in fucking seven years. What the fuck are you talking about? It's all munchies. [1:33:43] I mean, everything can be abused. There's only a couple people on comedy that do weed like real good, like Soder, Jay. Sure. Where they're just the same. Gomez. They're just happy. Chappelle. Chappelle. Because, yes, most people go in on weed. They still are out and fun. Right. Yeah. It's a personality thing. Totally. They're still active. Yeah, most people are. Also, I think it's a biological thing because I think it affects people very differently. Definitely. Can you get high when you smoke?

[1:34:10] Yeah, Jamie gets out of the smokes. Okay, cool. Edibles just don't work on the kid. That's wild. Young Jamie shrugs him off. That's crazy. If you try to dose him up, he'll smile right in your face. Jamie, I'd like you to have a brewski. What's going on here? It'd be nice. We talked about this earlier, and I'd love for you to get involved today. You talked at me. I didn't really... Uh-oh. Put on the beer. Put on the beer. All of a sudden, I'm talking. Well, it worked. He's drinking. Hey! [1:34:34] He said something nasty, and that's fine. What did he say? He said you talked at me. [1:34:40] include you and have it. Let's have fun. Jameau's a sassy bitch. He's just being, he's just clarifying. He's an assassin. I didn't talk at you. How did I talk at you? Well, you said it was a discussion. I mean, it was one of the... We had a little discussion. And then I said, let's go watch the Sixers Celtics. Let's have a couple beers. Ooh, that's a great night. Go to a bar and watch the Celtics. Hell yeah. [1:34:56] Yeah. Beer pressure. Five times. You can upload it with four beers. You're Pierce Morgan. Yeah, leave it till Monday. We don't care. This episode is brought to you by Dodge. The new Dodge Charger scat pack is built for people who still believe driving should be exciting. You want to talk about performance? Let's start with a twin-turbo six-pack gas engine.

[1:35:26] 3.9 seconds, and a top speed of 177 miles an hour. Woo! Unlike vehicles that make you choose between traction and attitude, the Dodge Charger Scat Pack comes with standard all-wheel drive and a selectable rear-wheel drive mode so you can get confident handling when you want it and the freedom to still be able to do burnouts. [1:35:56] scat pack. It's loud. It's fast. It's powerful and unapologetically Dodge. Learn more at Dodge.com. Dodge is a registered trademark of FCA US LLC. [1:36:11] This episode is brought to you by Blinds.com. Texas summers don't mess around with patio surfaces easily reaching 150 degrees. Hot enough to make your backyard feel like a punishment. And if your windows are bare, indoor temperatures can go up 20 degrees. Get ahead of it with custom solar shades for your den and your patio from Blinds.com. Whether you want to do it yourself or have a pro handle everything, they've got you covered. [1:36:41] but still have access to real design professionals. They'll even send free samples. Blinds.com has been doing this for 30 years, and they back everything with a 100% satisfaction guarantee so you can order with confidence. Right now, my listeners can get an exclusive 40% off when you spend $500 or more at Blinds.com and use the promo code ROGAN40. Limited time offer, Blinds.com, promo code ROGAN40. Rules and restrictions apply.

[1:37:11] When do you get in that car? Tomorrow. A tree fell on his car. I know. A tree smashed my car. Really? From what? The winds here? They're doing some fucking road work right in front of my house. The vibrations. [1:37:24] Oh, they're building seven your drawer? You got second towered? I really did. Also, the house I live in, I'm renting this house it's like one of those new prefab fucking or whatever those things these new Austin houses which are all the exact same, which I kind of don't fucking like at all. Is that the same one you've been in? It's like a 15 foot ceiling for no reason. It's one floor. Elk couch. It has this type of wall that's like too standard. It's a beautiful house. [1:37:54] And the last house I was in was a fucking Queens apartment. Right. That had more soul than this place. [1:38:00] More so, for sure. But when I first walked into the house I'm in now, I was like, holy fuck. This is incredible. Yeah. It's just not a fucking piece of shit house. It looks like a house from a porn. It's an Airbnb. It is an Airbnb. Yeah. It is weird how money changes you. Yeah. Like, it changes what you're accustomed to. Mm-hmm. You get a little accustomed to nice things. I was thinking about this. Yeah, you get accustomed to nice things, but I keep trying to change, and I'm just not really changing. What do you mean? Well, as a human? Yeah. [1:38:30] The cement is dry. You're always going to be Mechanicsburg. Yeah, it's Mechanicsburg. It's light beers. It's like all of a sudden I realize I'm just getting drunk at higher places. [1:38:38] Right. Like, I'm just in a taller building getting drunk. Yeah, with more expensive beer. The exact same. Yeah. The exact same beer. Everybody at Deep Creek. It's the same beer, but the price is low. Yeah, yeah. Everybody at Deep Creek was like, poor white trash in Maryland, and then they got rich. And when they were poor, they were like, we could just barely afford one Bud Light, and now they're rich, like, ten Bud Light. What is Deep Creek? Deep Creek Lake is where pontooners go to party. Yeah, pontooners. Yeah. What is that? It's like deep, almost by West Virginia.

[1:39:03] Man-made giant lake. It rules. Same with New Orleans. We'd go out to the Boca Chita and tube all day. Remember tubing? You'd sit on a river with a beer and a circle. If you got a piss, you'd just jump down and walk along with it. Yeah, you'd just pee in the water. I think it's good that you're not changing. [1:39:19] It's a good sign. It'd be nice if I could. Nah. I mean, you'd change a little. It would ruin you. You got some good stuff going on. It would ruin you. Literally, if you said this to Shane yesterday, if you go, you've changed. He'd be like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Well, it's just wrong. And I'd go, goddamn, I wish I could. He'd dress the same. But you're not going to stay at Holiday Express. [1:39:40] Sure. You've handled fame very well. You haven't gotten weird at all. Some people get weird just from the pressure of it. Almost everybody. [1:39:50] Yeah. Almost everybody. Yeah. 98% get, like, different. I'm thinking of eight comics in my head right now who have gone full diva. Yeah, they get weird. It's very strange. Shane, I know you have not changed. Oh, the bottle? [1:40:02] You've changed, bro. You've fucking changed. What the fuck? Wait, you've worn bottles? You're a boy, 20 motherfucker. You went for Israel. Now this is... This is a hot taste of aluminum. Some people like the aluminum taste. Ugh. Bottle beer taste in a can. Bottle's better. In the commercial, I remember when I was little. What? Bottle. [1:40:20] some beer and they go bottle beer taste in a can. I was like, is bottle beer better? Way better. Like the aluminum flavor. [1:40:26] Yeah. [1:40:27] I like... [1:40:28] Give me a glass bottle, Bud Light. What's this? [1:40:32] Bottle beer taste in a can. Keystone. That's what it was? Bottle beer taste in a can. What? My memory's served? Bad beer. Just across those keystones. This is a commercial from 1948. That's what I remember. Look how great it is. I remember Israel got independence and I was watching this commercial.

[1:40:48] You guys watch the Hogan doc? [1:40:50] It's good. It's great. I fucking cried. Really? It's so good. When he's getting sued for taking down Belzer. [1:40:57] He rules. And he's like, I was making $3,500 a month. [1:40:59] And I'm getting sued for $500,000. I was famous but not rich. [1:41:03] And they're like, what are we going to do? Oh, he rules. I didn't even know he got sued for that. To go into MSG? I mean, he choked the guy unconscious. And he then dropped him. He dropped him. He was wearing a lot too far. [1:41:13] He could have... John Jones used to do this all the time, but at least it was soft mat. This was like hard floor. He goes... [1:41:19] Yeah, but Jon Jones is doing a UFC fight against the Yoda Machida. For someone who agreed. He does it, and if he just laid him down, he'd be like point proven. Right. But he had to bring it. He's on TV. He couldn't have it. Drunk and on steroids anyway. [1:41:34] and on coke and someone's like yo your shit's fake is that what boulder said yeah it's so funny too because he's like pull it up like oh you think i'm fake is that fake you're like no but you don't do that [1:41:44] When I'm talking, it is fake. Do you remember when John Stossel confronted that wrestler backstage? Yeah, it was great. And the wrestler just bitch slapped him a bunch of times. Slapped the fuck out of him. I think that ruined that guy's career, though. Stossel or the wrestler? The wrestler. Yeah. I never heard of this. I don't know. I think, who was the wrestler? Stossel's still around. Stossel's still around, but I think it ruined the wrestler's career. Whoa. Because he beat the fuck out of him. He looks like, I feel like in my head he looks like Sid Vicious. Well, he's a giant dude, and he bitch slapped him open palm to the ear, which can definitely make you go deaf. [1:42:14] I mean, if you told BJ Penn in his prime or anybody, like, I think what you do is fake, they'd be like, it's not. John Stoss was slapped twice by WWF wrestler Dr. D. David Schultz backstage at Madison Square Garden. Have to call him pro wrestling fake.

[1:42:28] During a 2020 expose. Incident left Stossel with pain and ringing in his ears, leading to a lawsuit against WWF. Jewish wrestler. You think he made money? I already slipped right out. Holy shit, I was like Batman. At least he's not pissing in a kombucha jar. He probably is. Give it an hour. Here it is. So he's grabbing him. [1:42:45] He gets in this sleeper hold, and he slumps, and then he just drops him. Head hit the floor hard. How professional is he, though, when he gets up? This incident is from a 1985 episode of... [1:42:56] What the fuck? [1:42:58] So Belzer was talking shit, saying it was fake. [1:43:01] Great host, though. He pops right up and goes to commercial. He's like, all right, we'll be right back. Yeah. Heads bleeding and everything. [1:43:07] That is crazy. Oh, wow. Look at the blood on the back of his head. It's spurting out on his jacket. Look at that. What a pro. Yeah, that is quite professional. He seems happy. [1:43:20] Look at Mr. T. He doesn't seem upset at all. [1:43:22] And then he sued. [1:43:24] Yep. [1:43:25] But you've got to be a pro. I guess so. But also, you've got to be, you know. I mean, his head looked like Kennedy. [1:43:33] $400,000 settlement. Famously used the money to buy a home in France, jokingly named it Shea Hogan. That's fun. He bought a house in France. He lived in France for a while. [1:43:43] Bells are a Jew? He's had to be. [1:43:45] Yeah. Got a lawsuit for that. Litigious. Yeah. He didn't use to pay medical bills. He bought a house. Yeah. That means it's a bonus. In France. It's a Jew move. And I think he was still doing that law and order show and just flying back and forth to France. Met him once. It's the funniest thing because I saw him in like early, early, like doing those late night shows, you know, as a kid. And it was like, oh, that's a comedian.

[1:44:06] And then he's done, a lot of comics have this trajectory. Do nothing comedic. Yep, TV. It's like comedic, coded, serious. Well, he was a comic. He did a lot of comedy. I saw him do stand-up in Boston in the 80s. In the 80s. But then he became just serious, just a funny guy in serious roles. And not even that funny. No, and then dropped stand-up. Well, I think it's just money and ease. It's so easy. It's that velvet prison. They start giving you money. You start showing up. You're going to craft service. You're eating. Stand-up is a blue-collar club. [1:44:36] a guy who made a song called Cop Killer. He's like, I'm rich now too. We're both rich. Don't even worry about who we used to be. Chris Maloney. That's interesting. Not Chris Maloney. [1:44:48] I bet you they go, I'm just not thinking, I'm not 25 anymore. I know, but I mean, it's still, Carlin did it until he died. Carlin was a real one. Yeah, Rickles. But Carlin was like anti-establishment, never changed who he was. That was what Belzer was beginning. He was kind of a Carlin guy. [1:45:06] He wrote a book on Elvis, Bigfoot, and flying saucers, I think it was the book. Wow. I read it back in the day. It's a conspiracy theory book by Belzer. Wow. You wrote five different conspiracy books. What the fuck? Really? UFOs, JFKs, and Elvis. Conspiracies you don't have to be crazy to believe. Wow. Dead wrong. Straight facts on the country's most controversial cover-ups. [1:45:25] Hit List: An In-Depth Investigation of Mysterious Deaths of Witnesses: The JFK Assassination. Wow, he's ahead of his time with that shit. Yeah, he was an interesting guy. Ju-Anon. Very interesting guy. Wow. People loved him. He was a respected comedian. He was a crowd-work guy. He was the host. He was always the host. Yeah, he was the crowd-work for SNL for five years. Oh! Wow! Really? Crowd-warm-up. Wow, Brody Stevens? Back in the day, he was, you know, like a comics comic.

[1:45:53] But there was a bunch of those guys. Leno was the comics comic. Totally. Back in the day. When I started, they were like the second best comic. They also prior. But the second best comic, who's that going to be? And a lot of people were like, it was Leno. I'm like, what? Isn't that nuts? Yeah. What? Great comics. Apparently, in the 70s, he was a fucking animal. That's what I am. You get that for a reason. Yeah. You don't just some open mic or who gets a Tonight Show. Yeah, but it's that thing. The Tonight Show was just the golden thing. Oh, he's got the bones. Not the fucking eagle. And he's got glasses on now. [1:46:23] Giggles. [1:46:25] Definitely. [1:46:26] The 70s was like the golden era for those kind of comics. Oh, yeah. I mean, you had Carlin. He got, I think, four heart attacks from Coke. Whoa, really? Something like that, yeah. Yeah. [1:46:38] Maybe Pryor was four and he was three, but they were both up there. Jesus Christ. I didn't know Carlin had that many heart attacks. I mean, give it a go, JMO. How many heart attacks did Carlin have? [1:46:48] He had three heart attacks from cocaine. Yeah. We also had a pill problem for a while. Yeah. He had to get off pills. This was like later in his life. Right. Like late in his life, he was hooked on the pills. Oh, yeah. Carl. Carl. Yeah, late in his life. Big drug guy. Deep into his 60s and 70s. He was the coolest of all the old, amazing guys I met. He goes up there for sure. But like... [1:47:09] I had to go get him a sandwich. [1:47:11] Really? Wait, what? He did like a month at the store. Shut up. Yeah, a month of main room shows. Oh, yeah. What year? [1:47:17] 2000s? 2001, 2002, 2003. Wow! And I got him a Greenblatt statement. I go, here you go. He gave me 20 bucks. I was like, oh, no, no, man, they covered it. He goes, I know.

[1:47:27] It's for you. I was like, oh, all right. Sorry, Mr. Carl. He goes, don't call me that. He was cool. George. He was very unassuming. He was hanging out in the back area by the parking lot. He would also sit in the back in Mitzi's chair. And if you did well, he'd stay open mic sometimes, but only if you did well. He'd be like, good job, man. Wow. And then other people didn't, and he'd be like, hi. [1:47:47] Yeah. Wow, he zinged me pretty good once. Yeah, he was a real comic. He did a book signing because he had all those books, and I brought like four books to meet him at Borders on Wall Street. And I waited in line, and all these people are going like, I love you in Jersey Girl. I love you in Bill and Ted's. And I was like, ah, these people don't know comedy. So I went up and I was like, I love this special, back in town, amazing, whatever. And he goes, what do you do? I go, I'm a comic. He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around. That's what he said. Jacking around. I don't even know what that means. What does jacking around mean? It seemed like he hated me. [1:48:17] You got a real talent for jacking around. You sound like a comic. I go, oh yeah? He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around. Jacking around. I don't know what that means, but I'll take it. 70s lingo. Yeah. I mean, he was around the day when Lenny Bruce was around. Oh yeah, he got arrested at his show. Oh. [1:48:34] Did he really? He got arrested with Lenny Bruce? Yeah, they were in the same cop car. Really? It's a big story. That was his hero. Carla came into shoplift. [1:48:43] What? Delete that, Jamie. No. Jamie. Jamie, delete that, please. That was a dry bomb. That was a dry bomb. Jamie, delete that, please. I didn't catch this. We all tried to sort it out. We didn't even know you were joking. We all tried to sort it out. Like, what? Am I missing this? What does he mean by that? Leave it to Israel to bomb.

[1:49:05] Oh, those guys paved the fucking road. Tell you that. Getting arrested for jokes. Forget a heckler. I know. Or some blogger. [1:49:13] going to jail. Ruined Lenny Bruce's life. At the end of his life, he was just reading off court transcripts on stage, and the people get so bummed out. They're like, hey, tell some jokes. Yeah, like, we're here for you to do the thing. There's video of it. I bought video back in the day, VHS tapes of his recordings, and one of the recordings was him on stage in this small club just reading off court transcripts. And it was just terrible. It's like guys who get canceled, and that's all they talk about. Right. That's what happens. [1:49:43] It's so crazy. You did an offhanded thing, and then now it's your everything. You got beaten one race by a chick, and now that's your whole life. [1:49:51] by a trans check. [1:49:53] That one. Wait, what? That girl who lost who came in fifth at a fucking race by a trans chick. Hold on a second. That one's kind of fair. Yeah, that's a different thing. She should go, why the fuck is this allowed? Not ten years later. What are you talking about? When she's still made in her life. What do you mean? A comic? Got beaten in a race? Not a comic. No, he's talking about the other lady. I don't like your analogies. I don't know. It's a female athlete who lost to a trans athlete. Oh. She's going, we should have laws about this. The swimmer? Which one? Oh, that's Riley Gaines. It's her whole fucking personality now. She didn't go to school for that. She was on a track. [1:50:20] One thing happened. [1:50:21] and that she's like completely changed same as when comics get canceled it's like oh that's all BF forever she actually had a good point because not only did she not lose to that person the Leah guy yeah but [1:50:31] tied and then the Leah guy got the trophy. No, no, no. But there's more to that.

[1:50:36] Oh, yeah. Thomas. No, they tied for fourth. [1:50:39] Yeah. Fourth and fifth. And they go, hey, we only have four trophies. We're going to get killed if we don't give it to the trans lady. Can we just send you one later? Do you know how crazy that is, though? [1:50:48] Do you know how crazy that is? You give it to a guy who pretended he was a girl. I'd be mad if that was at a fucking comedy competition that no one saw. No, they'll say, we'll send it to you next week. Well, wait, why is the guy coming in fourth? He should be won. [1:50:59] Yeah, for sure. [1:51:00] This guy sucks. All of them lost. Well, he sucked as a man. There was a first, second, and third, and none of those people involved came in first, second, and third. First, second, and third, nobody cares about. Fourth and fifth is what they're arguing about. Wait, I don't understand what your argument is, though. It's like, who cares? It's like, yeah, obviously. No, no, no. To make it your whole life after that is what you're saying about canceled comics. They become that thing. I understand. She was going to school for not... [1:51:24] That. [1:51:25] And now that's her job. Here's what they're going to school for. You're saying it changed your whole trajectory. What'd you go to school for, bitch? English, literature, breaking down analysis of life and stuff. [1:51:34] Are you doing well on that right now? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, you're doing terrible. This moment right here that's failing you. No, you say these canceled comics go and they can make that their whole life. Some of them do. This chick is not doing that. She tied a race for fourth and fifth, and now that's all she does for a living. What is an example of a canceled comic that's made it their whole life? [1:51:52] I don't want to name anybody but we've just talked about that I understand what you're saying [1:51:59] sort of Jew is on Netflix Jew is on Netflix it's on Netflix now that is pretty cool that Netflix bought it after it was out on YouTube they didn't buy it they're just putting it up oh fucking Jews I don't care hit the eyeballs it was already on YouTube yeah yeah yeah no I'm totally out of it can you keep it on YouTube as well or you have to take it down hey that's very how many views it have on YouTube

[1:52:19] Millions. Eight million. Eight million. It should have been six. Nice. That would have been great. Shane at the Creek is like 50 now. 53. That's insane. Yeah, there's an Indian guy that broke the record in... [1:52:31] a week. Wow. Oh, is that right? Indian comics put it up, and somebody sent it to me, and they're like, he broke your record in a week. Yeah. [1:52:38] Damn. $55 million in a week. Is it in Indian? Is it in Hindu? Yeah, yeah. [1:52:42] Is it the Canons guy? One of their 50 languages. Yeah, he's going to see. That's crazy. There's billions of them. But how do you know, this is the thing with views these days, though. There's companies that will jack your views up. Yeah, but that's... Sure, you've got to pay for that. Yeah, but you could pay for it, but you could get millions of views that way. You could see the difference in, like... [1:53:01] We always do this when we talk shit about people who do it. Engagement? Yeah, they're like 5 million views, 30 comments. [1:53:07] Right. Right. What's that about? Right, right, right. And what is a view? How much of you do you have to watch for a view to count? I think it's just a click. A click off counts as a view. That's a good question. The best is when you send someone, like an agent or something, like a clip. [1:53:21] you know, for them to see. [1:53:22] And they go, we watched it, we're not happy with it. And you look at it like, it still has zero views. [1:53:26] It's a private clip. You definitely didn't watch it. We liked it. We're not happy with it. Or more embarrassing when someone sends you something like I just did. [1:53:36] That guy sent me something, and I've watched it 30 times. Oh, over and over? It's just me and him. He's going to see all the views are just me going, It's a private video. Oh, that's so sick. Oh, that's so sick. I feel bad for young comics. Everything is about views, shares, number of followers. How many followers do you have? It's not even about funny. Yeah. It's not about funny. I still think it is, though. It is. I think eventually the cream rises, but managers will literally be like, We've got to hire this guy. Yeah, but they don't know shit. Well, yeah, they're clueless. It's kind of like the industry in general.

[1:54:06] And then if they don't mind getting an Oscar nomination, but that's not what they're really in it for. I just – with the comics today being worried about you got to put out clips, you got to do that. It's like, sure, yeah, it's like do it, but it's like – [1:54:21] Build an act. I don't know. [1:54:24] Comedians always have excuses for why they're not successful, which is fine. I did the exact same thing. [1:54:29] But they're all like... [1:54:30] Well, this guy, yeah, he's only got it because he put all those clips out and did all that. It's like, I don't know. Whatever works, man. Just try to be funny and see what works. Yeah, who gives a fuck why someone's doing well? Who gives a shit of a YouTuber selling out a comedy club? Who fucking cares? It's about you. What are you doing? Exactly. Just do your shit. And I understand. Oh, by the way, I fucking love that thing that you did where you did that documentary showing all the leading up to Boulder, the new thing that you did. Oh, you watched it? Yeah, it was great. Oh, wow, thanks. The mockumentary. Thanks. It's great. And it's a great insight as to the development of bits. [1:55:00] I really enjoyed it. I wish you were my dad. Yeah. By the way, Mark, I want you to know, he told me that behind your back earlier. Yeah. Whoa, thanks. Me and I were just sitting out there. He was like, you see that thing? I was like, fuck no, I'm not watching Mark's shit. Yeah, it's an hour long. It's good. It's not an hour long. It's really good. On the way to the special? Yeah, I did a 10 sold out at the Dallas Improv, and the special taped like a week or two later. So I was just tweaking and fine-tuning, and I filmed all the bombs and all that shit. It's really great. Cool. [1:55:30] Dega, going over the bits, like drinking coffee, reading over his lines, and then tweaking them and changing them. Yeah.

[1:55:37] Hour and 12 minutes. Uh-oh. Not the gay quote. It's gay. It's really good. So I hired a guy. Go back. [1:55:45] The quote is relevant. Struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine syphysis. That's a salicy. It's a syphysis. It was. Pushing the boulder. It's the boulder. Wait. Did you do this? [1:55:57] I didn't do that part. Who did this? Albert Camus. The director. You should beat his ass. [1:56:02] It is a little pretentious for what this is. A little bit. Now we come back to Earth. That's what it should have started with. Sheep's underwear. Come back to Earth, yeah. Oh, God, Mark. Why do you have a nice ass, you fucking homo? [1:56:15] I'm clavicular. Why do you have nice legs? He micro-fractures his butt cheeks. I was deadly hungover there. That's hilarious. Just shitting it out. But it's really great for comics to see, [1:56:27] up, like what the process is like, you know, to see a guy like you who's been in the game a long time, is really good. Yeah. See a bunch of specials already. See you bombing and tweaking and showing everybody the bit's not working well and then working really well. Ah, thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah, there's this idea that everything's magic. [1:56:43] When you show them their struggle, they're like, oh, okay. Just trial and error. How many times have you seen Louis bomb and you're like, well, this guy's the best ever. Chris Rock, too. Chris Rock used to come to the store and the crowd would go nuts and he would say, relax, it's not going to be that funny. Right, right, lower your expectations. He would tell them that because he was just running material and trying to find every possible angle and get laughs occasionally and sometimes not and then tweak it afterwards. Yep, yep, that's part of it. That's why Eddie Murphy can't come back because I don't think he's willing to bomb.

[1:57:13] months six months it's years we've had this discussion on this podcast player kelly it's also it's the velvet prison the movies the fucking craft service getting picked up in a limo it's like the grind of writing your own material putting it all together everything riding on your back like that is a warriors game and some people don't want to do that anymore it's also like you gotta do it tuesday at the stand where there's 19 people i also understand older comics back in the day not wanting to do it because movies [1:57:42] were so much more lucrative. Oh, yeah. And stand-up is not. Stand-up is ten times more lucrative. It is now. And it's like, dude, do stand-up. Yeah. Just do stand-up. But stand-up is a lot of work. I remember there was a couple people back then who would go, I would take a pay cut if I did a sitcom, and it was like a couple people, and now it's like kind of everybody. Yeah. [1:58:00] You'd have to make Seinfeld money like season seven and beyond to go, I'll take off the road for this. Totally certain, guys. And now there is no Seinfeld money. It doesn't exist. I know. Miss Pat is the only person with a sitcom right now. What about this guy? VT. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. But you have Tires. It's different, though, because it's a single camera. Yeah. Like, Tires is like a show. It's not a sitcom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a show. It's a great, funny show. Thanks. But it's like there's a difference between the thing that everybody wanted was the live audience, four camera. [1:58:30] it on NBC, CBS, you get residuals. That was like the golden carrot that they hung over your head. Totally. Stand up couldn't pay. [1:58:37] Nobody did anything but clubs back then. It was like Dice Clay. And then afterwards it was Dane Cook. We saw a billboard, a poster. His thing's like a museum. And a poster for Evening of the Improv with him and Chris Rock.

[1:58:49] Who's that? [1:58:50] David Spade. Oh, wow. And I was there with Nate, and he goes, you did club for this? And he goes, bro, we only did clubs. None of us ever did theaters back then. If we were really good, you'd do six days at a club. Carlin did theaters. Legends did theaters. Dice did MSG once. Yeah, Steve Martin a couple times. Oh, Dice did MSG many times. He did Nassau Coliseum. Dice did. Dice was doing enormous places when no one was doing it. Dice was the [1:59:20] Then there was no one until Dane. Right. Between Dice and Dane, there was nobody. And now it's a lot of dice. And now people are playing at Des Moines. They're playing arenas. Yeah. It's not that many guys. [1:59:29] I mean, it's probably at least 20. [1:59:31] Comparing. Arenas? Bargazzi. Kevin Hart. Sebastian. Tom. Regularly? Hinchcliffe. Louie. Well, hold on, fellas. That's not diminishing. No, no. You, Sebastian, Gabriel. It's 20? Gabriel. Gabriel's doing giant places. Joe Coy, giant places. Joe Coy. Kevin Hart. [1:59:50] Matt Reif. Matt Reif, Giant Places. Matt Reif. Segura. Segura's doing arenas. I met a guy, an Indian kid outside New York Comedy Club. Indian kids will do something. And I was like, oh, what are you doing in town? He goes, doing comedy. He's like, oh, that's cool, man. What are you playing? And he goes, MSG. That doesn't count. I was like, what? Indians don't count. Congratulations. Indians don't count. Indians count as much as Christian movies counts in the box office. Yeah. You'd be top ten every time. Yeah. They're mobile. That's hilarious.

[2:00:20] 12? [2:00:21] You know. 10 to 20. You see it on it. [2:00:24] Or do an arena every once in a while. Rife? Matt Rive. Rife's doing a lot. Yeah. It's a matter of whether you want to do arenas all the time. The point is, way more than no one between Dane and Dice. [2:00:35] Right. For sure. Yeah, for sure. Because comedy is so big now. Yeah. And there's a ton of guys doing 1,500 theaters. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of them. Oh, Schultz, I think, does arenas. I don't know if he's regularly doing arenas. Oh, he does regular arenas. Yeah, he does arenas regularly. Whenever he wants. Whenever he wants. Burt. [2:00:50] Tom Burke. Yeah, Tom. Yeah, there you go. Tony. There's a lot of people doing arenas now. Mostly guys from my storytelling show. [2:00:56] Oh, which is also online behind a paywall. The end. The end. These three guys are on it. Arena comic. Nice. Theater comic. [2:01:05] Club almost sells out Saturdays. [2:01:09] And Denver all got there. Well, it's just because you're likable. [2:01:15] Yeah, Tony, Nate. We have a bunch. You, Tony, Nate. [2:01:19] Tom. [2:01:20] Four arena comics. That's wild. The three private jets were at that show. That's insane. And we got paid 500 bucks. I got a story. You can cut this out if you want. Cut back in. And we're back. We're back. You should be mad. I'd be serious. It stunk, bro. I wouldn't want to do that. It stunk. [2:01:37] We need a transition. We need a transition. Let's go back. The 9-11. Yeah. What? What does that sound? Go, baby, go.

[2:01:49] Oh, look at the gay Ayatollah. [2:01:56] Freedom's the only way. Straight to hormones. Iran needs to understand. [2:02:00] Freedom's the only way. Woo! Fuck the regime. We're coming back, brother. Yeah. We're bombing everybody, brother. America, we need to bomb everybody. Fuck healthcare. I don't miss people. Dude, I'll tell you, I met so many people who shit on America when I was traveling, it made me more nationalistic. I couldn't agree more. If I go to another country and somebody's like, ah, you guys are blah, blah, blah. I go, dude, you guys are doing nothing. Me and you are like, we need healthcare. We're fucking up. And somebody's like, why don't you guys have healthcare? I'm like, why don't you shut your mouth? Because we have self-bombers, bitch. [2:02:30] Australians, like, you choose your minorities bad. I'm like, you wiped yours out. Yes, we have football. Blow me. [2:02:36] Yeah, we have college football, bro. We have college football. We got movies, music. Once you go to another country, that's when you go. Why don't you guys shut up? Who's number two with stand-up comedy? What country's number two? England. England. Oh, sure. Well, Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr, those are two greats. Carr is great. Carr is international great. Carr is the best. Stuart Lee. Carr is so good. Carr is great. He was so good. [2:03:00] I was like, this guy is a motherfucker, dude. Great writer. He's just dominant and so calm. So smart, man. He's such a smart dude. Tight jokes. Do you hear any of those brewskis? I'd like to get involved. What are you looking for this time? America. Glass or can? I would never waste a glass on a bong. Shane, you haven't changed at all. I wish I could, brother. It's time to change. You don't want to change. I haven't changed.

[2:03:22] You have not. I don't think I have. You can't go out as much. You did change very little. You changed in unimportant ways. You're more into hunting. [2:03:32] Well, but that to me is my way to stay insane. I do a bunch of things like pool, archery, martial arts. Those things just keep me sane. I have to do some things that keep me from going off the rails and staying off of Twitter. Didn't you have a thing where your manager... [2:03:52] our business manager, one of them was like, [2:03:54] Hey, Joe, when you just started headlining, correct me, I'm wrong. We're like, we've got to have a talk with you. And you're like, what's the matter? And they're like, buddy, we don't want to get this out of hand. We know you have a gambling addiction, and we want to get you help. And you're like, what do you mean? Like, you're blowing through money in a way. And he goes, no, I just love lobster and steak. Oh, I was eating steak and lobster every night. Wow. That's my first development deal. My manager thought that I had a gambling problem because I was spending so much money. I'm like, bro, I'm eating steak and lobster every night. Damn. And he's like, you're not worried at all. You're going to run out of money. [2:04:24] money we'll figure it out like once we always made it once we get in the gate like i i'm one of those people that like if i figured out how to get in the gate i'm going i'm gonna keep my foot on the gas i'll be fine so you brought so many openers with you that we made more money than you but we did the math once like he's barely making more than us but it was about fun it was so fun it has to be about fun because i did gigs with like local guys and some of them were great like

[2:04:54] friends that were like local guys, but it was like one out of 10. And that means nine times I'm in a town, bored, watching TV, fucking not enjoying myself. And then being, sometimes they're mean. Sometimes they step on your material on purpose. On purpose. Yeah, and sometimes it'll be like, don't do the negging thing a woman will do where she's like, they'll like shit on you on purpose. Like, I don't know you that well. I'm trying to be nice to you. I hate that. Well, there's a lot of weirdness because you're the headliner and they're jealous and they think they should be the headliner. I'm better than you. Yeah. They go do local material and you're like, all right. Okay, buddy. Fucking asshole. [2:05:24] There's a lot of that. You should do this. Hey, let's switch tomorrow. Yeah. You can go on last. But the gigs were always a party. We had fun everywhere we went. We had fun. Fun is key. Like, I'll do Skank Fest. And you make, what, $17? Yeah. But, you know, my friend's like, ah, you make no money. I'm like, it's fun. It's a great weekend. I know who that friend is. I was trying to explain this to guys. Wait, which friend? One of Tony's agents was trying to pitch this fucking horrible idea. Not even Tony's agent. [2:05:54] would take a percentage of everybody's podcast that was on Kill Tony. He was like, no fucking way. And I was like, that money, if you got it from them, it wouldn't change the way you feel. You would feel the same. You wouldn't say, I feel so much better now that I have X more dollars in the bank. But you would feel like a piece of shit because you were fucking people over. You would pay all that money back plus to not feel that way. To not feel bad, yeah, yeah, yeah. You would give it all back.

[2:06:24] of shit. [2:06:25] It's like... There's nothing better than helping your buddies. Nothing better. It's kind of the only nice thing. Yeah. Shane pays people on the road out of spite. Yeah. [2:06:33] What do you mean? I do it. Like, Lev was talking dumb shit. He was so fucking couldn't get out of his own fat way. And he goes, no, clubs are better than readers. You're crazy. And Shane's like, you've never done an arena. He goes. [2:06:45] Dude. [2:06:46] You know how Lev is? All Jews. He's like, I know what I'm talking about. And then Shane, out of spite, he goes, I'm going to give you a lot of cash to come over from me on the road. And Lev's like, arenas are better, and I pay my rent for the year. [2:07:02] Yeah, those shows. Your crowds are great. Those shows are so fun. You do 15 to 20. You just play the hits. It's a great time. Fun is fun. Fun is fun everywhere you go. And I play Xbox with a bunch of guys from the NHL. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Crazy. [2:07:16] I don't think I've had a woman in my green room. It's just 15 dudes. We're trying to have a good time here. For playing Xbox. You can see the guy who owns the arena is so disappointed, too. They come in thinking it's going to be cool because stand-up is cool now. And they come in, it's me, Soder, and Shane playing some fucking video game. It just smells like body odor. And they're just like, ugh. And there's chicken nuggets and the riders. So put my riders' chicken tenders in a case of beer. Yeah. And an Xbox. Second worst pizza in town and bring it. Yeah. Yeah. [2:07:44] But that video game you play brings everybody in. It's a great icebreaker. It's the hangout afterwards. I have so many memories of us like some town and just going to anybody in the street. Like, is there a place to eat around here? Like, wow, there's a Fogo de Chavo. I was like, what?

[2:07:59] Well, all you need is us. In a green room, sometimes we're like, I don't even want to go to the bar. This is the best. The hang's everything. Yeah, at the mothership, whenever it's like, we're going under Mitzi's. I'm like, this is a great thing right here. We got liquor. We got the same right here. Yeah, but Mitzi's, once it clears out, it's perfect. Well, once the regular people are out. Yeah, once the crowd leaves. Well, that's the cool thing about Mitzi's. It becomes a private club after 11 minutes. That's nice. Always lose my voice in there, though. Same. [2:08:29] He's chain smoking, everybody's drinking, his great music playing. He's like, oh, hell yeah. [2:08:36] Tony needs a cigarette extender. You need less than a man. His ability to write roast jokes is extraordinary. It's very weird. I gave him an angle yesterday on the... [2:08:48] Can we see? [2:08:49] What? Is he on the roast? Oh, yeah. I think, yeah. I just gave him an angle. I was like, what about this? He goes, ooh. I'm like, something like this? He goes, yeah, but wittier than that. Yes. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know how to write a joke. Well, as soon as you got off, I was like, they're there. Yeah, they're there. I'm like, yeah. Now you do your thing with it. I was like, those jokes are there. He thinks in, like, that kind of joke, like, roast joke form. Like, that's how, like, he's so fat, he... Like, that's how his mind works. It's really fun to watch. It's like, I don't... That muscle's a different muscle. It's a different muscle. [2:09:19] today [2:09:20] It was funny watching them do a going to be a massive thing ahead of time for a crowd. The crowd's like, this is so cool. Yeah. Well, it's cool because they get to see it worked out. Yeah. They're going to get to see it live. Right. And you get to see people go, the jokes are good. Not on that one. I'm very happy with the jokes. And you're going out cold, right? You got to open it. Yeah. That's tough. I'm worried about, I don't think I'm a good host. Yeah.

[2:09:42] As far as the, hey, everybody, we're on live on Netflix. I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to go, all right, fuck that. [2:09:48] Just be. This is my joke. It doesn't matter. It don't matter. Once you start talking, it's all good. Dude, there's a video I saw of Waylon Jennings Jr. [2:09:56] I think it was him, and they're doing a roast, like a barbecue. And they're like, we're here, waiting for him to show up, and he's been barbecuing into this thing for the last 14 hours. [2:10:04] And then they come in, some ladies like interview them, and they're just like, "So we're ready for your roast?" They go, "Oh, that's not mine." [2:10:09] He was like, "No." She was like, "What do you mean?" He goes, "No, that's a TV thing." I was like, "What?" He goes, "No, mine would be underground and we'd have like [2:10:17] And she goes, for the bass thing? No, for fun while we're waiting for the meat to come out. Yeah. He just, like, ruined the TV version of it. He's like, no, that's a lie. [2:10:26] Yeah, I got kicked off the last comic standing for that. Because they put you in a room and they're like, they want you to have drama? They're like, what do you think? Who are you going to beat? And I'm like, I'm probably going to lose. And they're like, no, no, no. You've got to talk shit. And I'm like, oh, they don't want me on here. I'm going to bomb. And they're like, what are you doing? You're ruining the show. [2:10:41] They want you to be like, fuck that guy. I'm going to take him down. Just say, hey, guys. Well, anyway, we know what this is. I don't know how you would do it. That's a tough part. I'll do it. That's a hard part. I'll do it. [2:10:49] There's just a couple jokes that I'm like, I know they're funny, but it's like, man... [2:10:53] That's going to be tough to tell publicly. You had a couple jokes in there that were like... [2:10:59] You can hear the reaction of laughter or like, oh. Yeah. And that's a fucking mothership crowd. Yeah. Exactly. That's a bunch of people that are like, I paid good money to see somebody be racist tonight. And they're like, bro, calm down. It's hilarious. The black jokes go hard. The black jokes go hard. They do.

[2:11:19] But hey, you know, it's a rose. This is what we want to see. I know, but I got to go fucking first. That's true. Yeah, the emceeing is tough because you haven't emceed in forever. But is Kevin Hart going to be there? It's definitely not like emceeing. I've never done anything. Of course he's going to be there. But like when he's out first. It's tough. If he's out first. He has to be there. If he's laughing, you're golden. [2:11:35] He'll laugh. Oh, he'll laugh at everything. Yeah, so the black jokes with the black guy laughing, you're good to go. Yeah. I'm not... It's more the... [2:11:44] How you guys doing today? The crowd. The crowd. [2:11:45] Oh. Because it's in L.A. Because I am going to be, it's going to be live, and I'm going to say some pretty offensive things. And then I'm going to have to stay in the pocket of being like, I know the people at home like this. Yes. But now an entire room of famous people don't like me. [2:11:59] Dude, dude, dude. They're going to kill. On paper, it sounds easy. I get it. I get it. Bro, I know people in the WNBA, like people that work in management and the players. [2:12:10] and I was going to war over your ESPYs thing. Yeah, what were they saying? They were not happy with it at all. What? That's a great fit. Well, they seemed like a grumpy bunch anyway. Yeah. Not happy with it. They go, you've got to know who you're playing for. And I was like, right, to me at home watching. Yeah. And they go, that's not, we're the audience. I'm like, no, you're in the room. We're all at home laughing, and we thought it was hilarious. They're like, she didn't even know this lady's name. We were like. [2:12:33] Well, that's the point. Neither did they. But the Espy's was a good training ground for this. Espy's was great. I was nervous and awkward on that. No, but they got 10 million views or whatever. It was great. It's for the internet. Anyway. America. Fuck yeah. Suck a junk of fun. The motherfucking day. What night is the roast? Sunday.

[2:12:55] Oh, fuck. I'm gone. Damn. Where are you at? The first one. I'm getting there Tuesday. Oh, no. Why don't you go there early? [2:13:03] It's the 10th. It's the next Sunday. Oh, okay, okay. All right, cool. You're going to stay? [2:13:07] I think I have a gig. Me and Louis got matching Legion of Skanks outfits. Oh, you're on the team now. Yeah. You're a member of the Legion of Skanks now. Oh, with Jay. Does this stop you from moving to UK? Unfortunately, it does. Good. Thank God. Fuck those linies. Not even unfortunately. This is a massive opportunity for me creatively. This is like a dream. You've been going long enough. Thank God for the fucking Mossad plant that got out of there. The Mossad couple. So I was like, ooh. Yeah, maybe I'll stay. [2:13:37] Yeah, you have to. Fuck going to England. They're going to stab you anyway. You left enough. [2:13:43] That's true. They'll stab you. It's still your phone. They do get stabby. They do get stabby over shooting. Getting stabbed would fucking blow dick. Fuck. You're right there with the guy, too. At least a gunshot. Gunshot could be like, where did he even come from? Some distance. Yeah. He's like, I know. [2:13:55] It's you. I hate you. Right. [2:14:00] Yeah, England. You're better off. Yeah, you're better off. I think it's good. It's divine intervention. Well, nothing's better off than skanks. Yeah. [2:14:08] There you go. What was it? 15 years running? [2:14:11] Yeah. This is perfect for you, Ari. It's my show. England's not perfect for you. Vice President? Although it's weird seeing you tie it down to something. [2:14:18] I've never seen you commit. How many of you got to do it once a week? When Shane and I ran for president and vice president, we'll get into another episode, but the logline was until one of us betrays the other. Until one of us double crosses the other one. We didn't. We didn't. Only because you found out Louis was going to fuck with me and you double crossed him. Yes. Dude, that was nice. Of course. I would never do it. I'm not going to let my president go down like that. I'm J.D. Vance, bro. I'm Vance.

[2:14:48] Like, we're making a... You guys were making the biggest mistake comedically. I was so mad. There was a video going around of all these stars singing some, like, Beatles song. Oh, yeah. Imagine there's no heaven. So Lewis's idea was like, let's do something, making fun of it. We'll all sing a song. Let's all sing Down with the Sickness. And we'll make a video. And I was like, oh, I'll edit it. So we just got to sing a verse. But I need every single one of you to sing the full song. And I can choose. [2:15:18] I'll pick, and then I just have a full video of every single one of these dumbasses singing that song. And I was like, first off, the idea was not funny. That is gay. I will not be a part of that. I was doing it as a favor to Lewis. I was like, if you think this is good. [2:15:30] And then Shane Comey goes... [2:15:32] How bad will your retaliation be if I release your video? And I was like, dude. I didn't put anyone's videos out. I was like, bro, as a comedian, you should do it. I will scorch the earth to get back here. Send Ari's to Jamie right now. Do you have it categorized? Do you have it in a folder? And I kept trying to like. [2:15:53] Like it was hard to make sure they did it seriously. [2:15:56] So I was like, no, like, don't fuck around. It would be funnier if you guys were, like, really singing the best you can. You fucked around in yours. [2:16:03] I did? Oh, thank God. But, I mean, it's still a horrific and embarrassing video. That whole thing was so weird. I wouldn't even do karaoke. Imagine there's no heaven. [2:16:12] While Granny just died of COVID. Also, it's like, this is like, it's a war song. [2:16:18] Yeah. It's a war and religion song.

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[2:18:06] I can't watch this. Actions really made themselves worthless. Will we get in trouble? Yeah, I can't. Okay, we can't sing it. [2:18:14] The Beatles are probably... You get Sarah Silverman being all serious. She's like, what stars are in this? I'll do it. [2:18:18] Oh, she was being joking. Yeah, that is. Who is that? [2:18:22] Timothy Chalamet. What's wrong with his teeth? Oh, Fallon. Oh, Fallon. Hey, Portman. He's an opener now. [2:18:30] You can kind of hear it. Oh, man. It's fucking insane. This is worse than being on Epstein's iPhone. Get an iPhone clamp. [2:18:37] God, actors. [2:18:38] yeah so fucking weird well they're not as important as they used to be so they're like oh it was relevant they're about to be they were like i'm not getting attention let's just do it ourselves and you're like you guys can't do this the worst was the black and white one when they're like i am ashamed of my whiteness yeah that wasn't even a song that was just them talking the black and right now yeah doing the blm brian so many good ones you do it's so good i got the rosa i got the [2:19:08] Send that to Jimmy right now. DeRosa will get sincere. DeRosa gets sincere, especially when he's drunk. Dude, you're such a good friend. I'm like, shut up, Kevin. [2:19:17] You're adopted. Shut up. Shut up. I would never be friends with an adopted guy. You Egyptian weirdo. Everybody was trying to be silly, but the bit sucked so bad. So bad. I was so happy when you guys were doing that. I was at Stan Hoops when this was going on. Oh, my God. I didn't even get the bit. I was just drunk at Stan Hoops. You guys sucked. You killed us. Me and Stan Hoops were hammered. You killed us.

[2:19:38] That shit sucks. [2:19:42] That shit blew, dude. I can't believe you guys did that. How much you got left in there? It's such a weird thing where people decide to do things to make themselves look like they care. Look like they care. Yeah. That's the thing about Hollywood. They want to look like they care. [2:19:55] And it's so fucking transparent. [2:19:57] That's always a bummer you get that text like, hey, can you make a video for this? I'm like, ah, that's going to ruin my whole day because you have to think about it and spend time on it. Yeah. It's a nightmare. Change of number. [2:20:07] Yeah, like, can you help me with this? You get one or two of those, change your number. There we go. Joe Joe Rabbit. Music, please. Music, please. Oh, it's going to be cold. [2:20:18] Woo, he's back, baby. [2:20:21] Ibogaine. Yeah, Ibogaine. Ibogaine. BMA. Mushrooms. Yeah, congrats on the Ibogaine, bro. That's sick. Dude, that is such a win. [2:20:30] That is such a gigantic win. They're hoping to reschedule. They're going to reschedule the psychedelics and have them available to people. What's interesting is that all this was done during the Nixon administration to squash the civil rights movement. [2:20:42] The civil rights movement and the anti-war movement. Black people don't even like mushrooms. And that was also one of the things that I got to say. They do now. It was one of the things that I got to say during the whole Trump thing. You said black people don't like mushrooms? I said, no, it's okay. [2:20:54] Black people don't like mushrooms. I said they love certain foods, but you can't bring them up. I said these things weren't made illegal. It was like, because it was all live. They couldn't stop me from saying it. And Trump just let me talk. So I said, these aren't illegal because they're harmful.

[2:21:12] sweeping Controlled Substances Act of the 1970s and the Richard Nixon administration to target the civil rights movement and the anti-war movement. That's why they made them illegal. [2:21:21] They're not illegal because they're harmful. [2:21:23] And the idea that they were Schedule 1 for all these years with so many people using them to quit smoking, to quit drinking, to quit drugs, to get their life together, to relax before they're dying. So many people that are filled with anxiety because they're dying of cancer, they take mushrooms and they're like, I think I'm going to be okay. Can you get fucked up on Ibogaine? No, it's not recreational at all. Oh, it's bad. It's a bad experience. What? Yeah, it's not like a fun time. But it's neuro-regenerative. [2:21:53] he had some sort of natural atrophy of his brain that happens when you get older. Within six weeks or so after doing it, 25% of the atrophy was gone. Six months later, 100% of it was gone. What? Yes. [2:22:08] It's nuts. It's very positive, but a bad feeling when you're doing it. Who is this? Rick Perry, the former governor of Texas, Republican governor, who is a staunch anti-drug guy his whole life. And then he talked to all these veterans that were using it to get off of whatever opiates they were on. They were going to try it? [2:22:27] In secret? Let me try it in secret? I don't know if it was to let me try it in secret because he was open about talking about it. And he did it. And he said it changed his life, too. And he says, this is my life now. I'm dedicated to trying to make this stuff legal. So it's kind of like Ozempic. It makes you stop doing stuff.

[2:22:42] Well, Zambik is weird because it does make you stop doing addictive things, too. It does. But it cuts down your sex drive, too. It cuts down love. Like, you don't get excited about stuff. People are saying it keeps you from being passionate about things. That's heavy. It cuts down love. It's just weird when you see. We were talking about that lady. Oh, my God. Some of these hot actresses that are doing it, and they don't need to do it. Just be fat. Stop drinking. Be fat and horny. Be fat and horny. Yeah. That's a good radio team. Fat and horny in the morning. [2:23:12] on them is hot. Yeah. A little jiggle? Yeah, it's so hot. When girls are like 10 pounds overweight, it's like, would they think they're overweight? Yeah. Especially if they're confident with it. Oh. Just gives them curves. Rachel Ray. It's sexy. [2:23:25] When they lose all that weight and get that Ozempic face, it's like, what are you doing? Pull up Olivia Wilde. Do you see her? She looks like a ring-tailed lemur. That's what we were just talking about before you got here. Oh, man. Pull up her and a lemur. It's dead. The eyes. It's dead on. Who's Olivia Wilde? She's a really beautiful actress. She's to be hot. Gorgeous. She's to be fat. She's so hot. No, she's never fat. She wasn't fat at all, man. But she's been... Look how hot. Look how hot. Gorgeous. But now, look at the most recent video of her. Yeah, look at that. Oh! [2:23:55] if you can find one I know exactly what a lemur looks like it's a cute little little nugget look at that same eyes! same eyes! wait what happened to her? did she just hit the wall? I don't know there's no way she just hit the wall she's still fairly young how old is she? and she was really hot she was on a some 42 she was in house in 2007 she's older she's 20 years older than she was in house yeah but dude recently she looked really hot also she's gorgeous wall

[2:24:23] Gorgeous. No, I don't think it's the wall, dude. Her real name's Cockburn. That's funny. Okay, but does anybody know if she's taking that stuff? No, I don't think so. That's not even Ozympic. Look at the eyes. That's a different thing. Look at the giant eyeballs. She might feel bad doing this. Yeah, I don't want to submerge the lady. She's still a beautiful lady. She's still pretty. It's still a fucking clavicle. But I think a little bit of it is just like women have this thing where they think they're supposed to be skinny. Yeah. Oh, 42. Well, they are. [2:24:53] Yeah, but dude, 42. Look at fucking, what's her name? Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at Outliers. She's hot as fuck. I mean, that's a Puerto Rican, man. Yeah, look at LeBron, but everybody else goes out at 38. Hmm. [2:25:05] Could you hand me one of those brewskis? Absolutely, buddy. What are you looking for? A bottle. Hey, bottle rock. This is sad that so many of these women think that they have to be wasted. Especially at Hollywood. Look at that. That's in January. I think it's just a bad picture, a bad night. Yeah. That's this January? I thought that was a great picture. She's still beautiful. [2:25:25] And she doesn't even look remotely overweight. Dude, Seth Rogen looks like a troll next to her. That's from two weeks ago. [2:25:30] Two weeks? Oh, no, that's just fine. It might have been just bad video. Let's leave her alone. She's a beautiful lady. Lady, I was wrong. You didn't hit the wall at all. You know what I like is the big fat guys that need the Ozempic. [2:25:45] Need it. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. My friend, he's on the fat pill. And some of them defeat it. Yeah, I know a guy. We know a guy. Foley. Foley, I didn't want to say his name. Foley plowed right through. He beat Ozippic. How did he do that? He keeps eating. He has habits. Dude, when we were doing the 999, we were three hot dogs in. We had nine hot dogs, nine beers, and nine innings. And, by the way, pitch clock. So it's way harder than when it was invented. Although, we did get there early. We got there. O'Connor had seven hot dogs before the National Anthem. That's unbelievable.

[2:26:15] That's impressive. He's like, "I'm gonna just chug these hot dogs, chug hot dogs, passed out till the 6th, woke up and started chugging beer." We had to wake him up at the 9th and be like, "Dude, you're too late. You gotta get it." Dude, get going. He got it. He was like... [2:26:27] I'm a champion. It's the bread. The salt gets you. That's disgusting. Yeah, but H Foley, three hot dogs in. You look over. He's eating a cheesesteak. [2:26:37] He's getting other gross. He's eating other food. What are you doing? And he goes, I'm going to do that. I don't think I'll win. I don't care how fucking, how full I am. If you put a cheesesteak in front of me, I'm eating that shit. It's like, there's a new place in Austin. There's a food truck that Tony turned me on to that has cheesesteaks. They are fucking. I was ordered from them. [2:26:57] What is that place, Jamie? Do you know the place? [2:26:59] Do you know what it is? Don't say it. We'll never get in again. What's that? No, not at all. I'll ask Tony. I think I saw it on Seamless. I almost got it. They're so legit. Is it on 6th Street? Because the food sucks over there. The food sucks on 6th. You've got to go on. Yeah, it's a weird spot because it used to be the Dirty 6th. It was all just like drunk people food. It's still. They didn't have to be good. It's still. It's getting worse, dude. [2:27:22] You've got Black Rabbit, that's it. But there's a Fogo de Chow a block away. I think it might be R&B. There's a Fogo de Chow a block away from the club. It's down the street. It's R&B. It's on like 2nd or 3rd. I've never seen it. Fogo? Fogo? It's on Congress. So it's two blocks away. Yeah, but it's not 36. It's way off. Right, right. But it's not far. Right, right. It's still downtown. I get what you're saying. It's still downtown. These are the guys. These are the guys. I'm going there tonight. So what is it? What's the name of it?

[2:27:50] R&B's Steak and Fries. Bro, I'm telling you, their fucking cheesesteaks are so legit. Let's make a brother. These guys brought them to the club, and I was like, and Tony's like, dude, you got to try this. I was like, I'm not really hungry, but let me... [2:28:04] I start one bite. I scarfed it. I scarfed it. Oh, they got that fucking sauteed onions. Oh, it's so good. Yeah, it's so good. These guys are so and they're cool dudes. Oh, [2:28:15] Very, very, very legit. Wait, go back up. Want to see his nickname? Boo. Boo. Black guys rule. [2:28:23] Boo Radley. Boo Radley. [2:28:25] Man, it's almost time for Jeremiah Love highlights. Easy. It's almost time, dude. Jeremiah Love? Oh, yes. Who that is? I love that you're asking. Who that is? What are we talking about here? Is that politics? No. No. That sounds like football. Jeremiah Love sounds like a football player. Yeah, it does. He certainly is. Yeah. If he was a fighter, he'd probably quit in the third round. I don't know if he died with that name. If he had autism. [2:28:49] I think he does. He's got at least OCD, but they did a nice – like before the game, they always – like College Game Day always runs like – [2:28:57] a heartwarming story but he had like autism as a kid and they were like [2:29:02] We don't know what to do. And then we got him in football, and he was just a fucking animal. Oh, wow. He's just... That's a thing with autism. He's so fast. Wow, look at him go. Wow. He's looking at his own sideline. Dude, autism is a superpower. Well, you just got to channel it. Tell me about it. Norman, talk. Speak on it. You got to find a piano or comedy. Oh, wow. I can speak about Neanderthal genes. You can speak about autism. These guys are tackling wrong. Look at them go, dude. Wow. Matt's trying to catch a guy that runs that fast.

[2:29:32] These guys are tackling wrong. He's like the correspondence shooter. Hey, Jamie, who is that guy that they just signed from Africa? He's a 21-year-old guy who's never played football before. What? Philly did. He's with the Eagles. Football does that? As long as you've got the skills, we got you. That was a nice juke. Let's just keep this rolling for a second. Whoa, look at that. What a wiggle. Oh, my goodness. All they've got to do to tackle him is look him directly in the eyes. Look at him, Coe. [2:29:57] Why? [2:29:58] Because autism hates that shit. They don't want you ever. Really? Is that real? You look at an autistic guy in the eyes and go, please stop. He won't look at you back, though. They hate hugs. It's not going to work if he doesn't look at you back. He's just dodging hugs. Do you hate hugs? He's dodging hugs. I hate a hug. Bro, he... Get away from him. No, Joe. Get him. [2:30:16] Take him down. Oh, no. Right in the lips. He got tongue in there for the listeners. That's assault, brother. [2:30:23] Hey. You should sue Joe. I might sue you. Sue Joe. [2:30:28] His whole body was vibrating when I was hugging him. Good Lord. I mean. That's not good. Oh, man. How sick is Jeremiah Long? Too much touching. Bro, I love a great athlete. Show Joe him jumping over some people. Hey, what are you boys doing next weekend? [2:30:41] I think I got a gig. I got to go to... Next week is a roast. Next Saturday. Next Saturday. Oh, yeah. It's a Netflix fest. I got to do TV Garden in Boston. Whoa. Damn. What are you doing? UFC. UFC in New Jersey. Sean Strickland, Hamza Chemaev. Hamza Chemaev. Woo! Bro, they're not even going to have a face-off. They're worried about putting them close to each other because Sean has talked so much shit. He's a wild dude. He's a wild dude. And that shit-talking that he does, it's emotional warfare.

[2:31:11] Because you'll think about the shit He calls him a goat fucker He won't stop talking shit He has no filter He said if those three goat fuckers He comes up to me With three of his Chechen goat fucker friends [2:31:26] He said that Sean was like, I'll shoot them. I'll pull out my gun. I'll shoot all three of them. He's going like this. Boom, boom, boom. Jesus. He's talking so much shit. But it's emotional warfare. It's like what Conor used to do. What Conor did with Jose Aldo, he had him so fucked up before that fight. Yeah. And he was just like so emotional. Because Aldo was a legend. Nobody talked shit about him. Everybody was terrified of him. And Conor was just constantly talking shit about him. It worked. Stole his belt at a press conference. [2:31:56] holding it up. And by the time the fight happened, Aldo was just so worked up. [2:32:01] And Conor was just, like, super relaxed and smiling. That's how Roberto Duran beat Robinson, because he called his wife a whore a bunch. Who's Robinson? Sugar Ray. No, Leonard. Leonard, sorry. Wrong Sugar. How dare you. It was a little bit of that. He talked Sugar Ray into fighting his kind of fight. Yeah. Do you think Strickland can do that? No. Strickland is a... He's good, but he's not going to speak on the comments together. Strickland is one of the best fighters on planet Earth. But so's the other guy. So is Hamza. [2:32:31] a legitimate world champion. He's a guy who's accustomed to five-rounders. He's got phenomenal cardio. He's one of the hardest guys to hit in the sport. Can he wrestle? 100% he has a shot. Underrated grappling. Listen to me as an expert, allegedly.

[2:32:48] He's one of the best takedown. He's got some of the best takedown defense in the game. Underrated grappling. Strickland has a legit chance. Can I just say this? As someone who's heard you talk about... [2:32:57] this kind of stuff for many, many years, you give it up more for the person you think is not going to win. [2:33:13] the underdog no i'll say that eventually if you give me a chance you fucking blabber mouth stop talking jesus you stop you stop you already made your point jesus no com's uh 100 can win he look he dominated drickus duplicy like he didn't even belong in there with him exactly drickus was the world champion and drickus had beaten strong sean strickland but the last time he beat strickland in the second fight strickland they made him fight he had a shoulder injury like [2:33:38] Strickland's a wild boy, and he crashed his dirt bike and fucked his shoulder up. Cool, very cool. Strickland's an animal. And they allowed him, I mean, they forced him, I should say, to fight. [2:33:50] Plus 340. Damn. Listen, man. I'm telling you, he can win. Not only did he beat Adesanya, but the guy does not get tired. Strickland has some of the best fucking cardio in the sport. He's one of the hardest guys to hit. He's very clever with his boxing. He's got one of the best jabs in the sport. Strickland can win this fight. All right. It's not saying he's going to win. Hamzad is the best grappler at 185, period. If he gets him on the ground, it could be over. And Hamzad can fucking strike, too. It's not just a grappler. He's an animal.

[2:34:20] Maybe he's trying to talk him into standing. Right. Or talk him into a war or talk him into hitting the gas. Full clip trying to take – Aljamain Sterling did a video about this. And Aljamain said, here's the thing. If Hamzat tries to just run him over – [2:34:37] tries to just take him down, run him over, submit him, and can't do it. [2:34:41] Then that's a problem because then he gasses himself out in the first round. This is a five-round fight. Strickland is notoriously durable, notoriously in incredible shape. [2:34:51] And he's calm. He knows how to fight in wars. Like, he's, like, accustomed to that. You know, he had a very abusive childhood. He doesn't like bullies. Like, Strickland is a tough nut, dude. Oh, yeah. In my mind, this is like, I would get Hans on it. Yeah, you'd fire me up. Yeah. Dude, this is a great fight, dude. Have you heard his trans rant? This is one. Strickland is the best at fucking just talking wild shit at press conferences. Yeah, yeah. He's a wild fellow. He is. [2:35:21] He's fun, man. He's fun. [2:35:22] He gets so angry and worked up about shit, but he's fucking fun. You know what's fun? [2:35:26] Like, now, a back, fun whites. [2:35:29] Fun whites are coming back. He's one of the funnest whites ever. I blame Chet Hanks. He broke it open. Chet Hanks! Yeah, white boy summer. He has a new accent. He broke the hymen. What's his new one? I don't know. He dropped his old one. He was like, I'm done with that fakeness. I got a new fakeness. Can you imagine if it was Tom Hanks as your dad? That's wild. You gotta live in that shadow. Colin and Chet, they couldn't be more opposite. Who's Colin? Colin's his other son. You see, he's in a ton of movies. Colin's less of a phony. Well, he's more straight-laced.

[2:35:58] Yeah. [2:35:59] What is Shia LaBeouf? He's getting drunk, going to jail, coming back out. Is Shia LaBeouf famous? No, I'm just saying. Colin looks just like Tom. He's in a ton of movies. God, he looks just like Tom. That's crazy. He could be Forrest Gump, too. Good actor. He looks more Forrest Gumpy than Forrest Gump. He looks more Philadelphia. What is this? [2:36:19] Chet is singing? Oh, he's singing now? Yeah, he's doing country music. Oh, boy. Oh, God. He can't stop. I thought he was a rapper. He was, but country's big now. He's just swinging at every fucking bitch. He just goes wherever it's popular. Renesad sucks. He doesn't suck. That guy sucks. He's kind of jacked. Yo. That guy sucks. What? He's great. Chet Hanks, you make an accent's rules. Ari, can you imagine what it's like having Tom Hanks as a dad and trying to find your own identity? I'm sure it's tough if your father was a molester, but it doesn't matter if she's a molestation. Oh! [2:36:48] Come on. [2:36:49] talking about fucking... J-Mo's getting the time stamp. How dare you. Talking about Woody here. How dare you. I just like J-Mo. How dare you. J-Mo just goes... He was good in Atlanta, and that's about it. Atlanta? Atlanta. Philadelphia? Did an episode of Atlanta. It was good. Oh. Oh. [2:37:08] Oh, which one? Oh, Chet. Chet Rules. He was also great in Curb. [2:37:13] Yes. Played the soldier. [2:37:15] That's right. I didn't see that one. You want to talk great athletes. What about the amputee cornhole guy? What? What? Where'd that come from? You haven't seen this guy? What kind of a fucking transition was that? I never even know what it is. What about athletes? The guy got in trouble for shooting someone. He's got no arms, no legs. He's got a guy. Did he really shoot somebody? With a nub. With a nub.

[2:37:38] Wait, 100% he shot him? Pull it up. What's cornhole? I thought he was playing cornhole. So what does he have to do? Does he have to attach like a stick to the nub so he can pull the trigger? He's got a little tiny thumb right on the stump. And he can trigger? And he pulled a trigger and killed a guy. Wow. Yeah. Why did he kill the guy? I think he fucked his stump. I don't know. What happened? Actually, I remember reading this story. He was a son of a bitch. He was driving the car, too. There was three other guys in the car, and he's the one driving it. Wow! What an alpha! The stump drove the car? Yeah. Wow. This guy's a badass. Was it down a straight road? And he was a professional cornhole player? He was number one. [2:38:08] Cornhole. No way. What, was he the bag? Here's a video of him climbing the ladder. There he is. [2:38:14] Climb on a ladder! Yeah, I'll show you that after this. He's getting passed around in prison like a cornhole thing. Juan on suspicion of shooting and killing a pastor in his car during an argument. [2:38:22] Look at this badass. Oh, he can shoot guns. He can shoot well. You've got to hand it to him. Well, maybe if you have less limbs, less movement. Less limbs. It's not this and this. It's just this. It's more stable. I went out on a limb. Oh, you son of a bitch. This is cornhole strategy. Wait, what? He's unbelievable. He's unbelievable. [2:38:42] He's really good. Look at this. He's just sinking them. That's crazy. Bam! Bam! [2:38:46] And now he's in jail. Poor guy. He could have been a hero of our generation. So did he kill the guy for a reason? I'm sure. Lost his limbs, bacterial infection at 10 years old, demonstrating shooting. So what is the story? Accused of shooting a guy during a driving argument. He wanted the two guys in the car to help him get rid of the body. They refused, and then he dropped them out of the car, went and dropped the body somewhere.

[2:39:16] They came after him. That'd be tough to dig a hole. Bro, the way Ari leaves is astonishing. Ari leaves like a ghost in the night. Well, he's old. They got to piss every 10 minutes. I'm older than him. He drinks prune juice. [2:39:30] Goes right through you. [2:39:33] So it was an argument. He just shot the guy? No. [2:39:36] You'd think it would take so long for him to pull out the gun, you would just smack it out of his stub. You'd think. But I think when that guy comes up to you, you're like, what are you going to do? You're not scared. So the guy's got all the time in the world. I'd be so scared if I saw that guy. He can climb a hunting blind with a rifle on his back. Look at this psycho. Look at this psycho. [2:39:52] God, he's like a slug. He's very capable. He looks like Toe Jam and Earl. Toe Jam and Earl. What a pull. [2:40:01] Wow. I mean, you've got to handle the guy for just being independent. Yeah. I mean, we're being mean to him. I want to make sure he's a murderer before I make fun of him for being disabled. Maybe the guy in the backseat was a real... Disabled. He's definitely a murderer. [2:40:12] He's in jail. He's in jail right now? You better believe it. Huh. Found a nearby yard. [2:40:18] That's who you want as your bunkmate. He's not raped. Pronounced dead at the scene. He was tracked to Virginia Hospital and arrested, set to be... He was in a hospital. Why was he in a hospital? Maryland. [2:40:27] Well, did they get in a fight? So rarely in the news. So the guy punched him and he had to go to the hospital? No. [2:40:34] So he was tracked to a hospital. So the guy who he shot was the guy punching him? [2:40:40] Sounds about right. You know what I'm saying? If you're punching a guy with no arms and no legs, he's got to do something to fight back.

[2:40:46] Shoot you. But that's what's weird. It's like, it says... He looks so happy. But if it says he went to a hospital, why did he have to go to a hospital? Mad rifle. Mad rifle. That's what they say. Riding high in April. Yeah, it says officer's tracked in the hospital. That's all it says. Yeah, but why was he in the hospital? So did they get in a fist fight and he pulled the gun on the guy who was beating his ass? They probably found him and they were like, holy shit, let's get him to the hospital. He's probably fine. They were like, holy shit, take him to where they are. But it's a weird situation. Who else was? [2:41:16] Like, why was he at a hospital? Yeah. Yeah. [2:41:19] We don't know the whole story. I don't know. [2:41:22] Anyway, he can... This is the part I read. He plays a mean cornhole. Asks him to pull the car out of the... [2:41:27] or pull the body out of the car, they said no. [2:41:30] They got out of the car instead, and he drove off with the body still in the car. Oh, boy. How's he going to get him out of the car? He's got no arms. Is that Bieber in the middle? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was the same crime. I was like, wait. Celebrity. What did Bieber get arrested for? By the way, go back up. Look how dashing Bieber is in his mugshot. Did Bieber get arrested for looking cute? Perfectly straight teeth. Who knows? Lohan's not bad either. Lohan's not bad there. Lohan rules, dude. Lohan's hot again. I co-starred in a movie. She's back. Oh, good. Lohan and fruit. You co-starred in a movie with Lohan? Yeah, worst movie of all time. Who was that? [2:42:00] Thank you. [2:42:00] Inappropriate comedy. Start directed by the Shamwoga. [2:42:05] Lohan was in that? You were in that? Lohan? We had an Academy Award winner, Adrian Brody? What? What? Adrian Brody was in that? Crazy, the pianist. Who's the chick who got drunk driving, who was in Avatar?

[2:42:16] Boom, that one at the end, Rodriguez. [2:42:18] I thought she got a D.U.E. Rob Schneider's in that? Oh, but everybody. Who's the middle lady with the jokes? Is that really the worst movie ever? It was on Rotten Tomatoes as the worst movie of all time. And for a while it had zero stars. How did Adrian Brody get roped into that? Yeah, what happened to him when he got roped into that? He was on a downturn of his career. [2:42:38] He came back. He was on a downswing. [2:42:40] You know what's crazy about Brody? He's banging Harvey. Wait, am I in there? Oh, you know who else is in there? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. [2:42:46] Uh, uh, [2:42:47] Theo Vaughn. Oh, all right. Wow. Ari Shafir. There we go. Oh, the amazing racist. With some writing by Christina Pazitzki did some writing on this. Okay. How about that? Dante is the racist assistant. Rob Schneider is JD. That's when I was offering black people a free trip back to Africa. [2:43:07] You really did it, man. You really went for it back then. So when you got the script, did you realize it was going to be that bad? There was no script. [2:43:17] can we make more of those? I'm like, I don't own them. [2:43:20] And he goes, can we make new ones? And I was like, yeah, if you want to. Hey, it earned $172K. [2:43:25] $625 it's opening for all these pictures of one person in the theater I like how it says inappropriate but for some reason APP was about apps it was all about apps [2:43:43] There's a whole backstory line. None of it made any sense. Like dating apps? Yeah. But wait, what year was this? Oh, okay. It's your question. 2013.

[2:43:51] I remember I saw it in theaters by myself. Was there even apps in 2013? It was the beginning of apps. It was a big deal. Added to the 625. Dude, this movie was so fun. I've never heard of this in my life. We went to the border, and I was doing a setup scene, and some people were fucking running and crossing. But it's so crazy. Adrian Broder is a fucking legit actor. He was down, and then back up. They gave him money. Who gets that down? Why did he go down? Did he do a movie with you? [2:44:16] Well, he was in a separate scene. He was in Flirty Harry. [2:44:19] Flirty Harry. Flirty Harry. What the fuck is going on? ShamWow. He went to jail too. [2:44:29] Oh, my God. Look at Ari. Wow. Young Theo. Bro, we should have a screening of this on the next Protect Our Parks. I would love to see this. Let's watch it and talk. Bro, this looks so bad. This is horrible. It's so bad. Who's the girl? The girl with the brunette right there. Rodriguez. Oh, the girl from Aliens? Isn't she in Aliens, too? Yeah. [2:44:51] I don't know. Maybe. [2:44:52] See if she's in Aliens. She's Vin Diesel's lady. That's crazy. They got her in this? Kids in cages. How does this ShamWow guy talk everybody into this? [2:45:04] Money, bro. GS gave me advice. He was like, hey, do you want me to do this thing? He goes, Ari, every once in a while, so people in Hollywood. Oh, there he is. Shane, you can't laugh at this. Young Ari. Shane, sit this one out. We'll take it from here. I will say, so you guys were making dog shit like this. Yeah.

[2:45:22] And then I was like, because I wasn't really around for that. Yeah. [2:45:26] And then it's like, man, I can't believe cancel culture exists. [2:45:29] It's like, oh, now I get it. [2:45:30] Put an end to this horse shit. It's so bad. 2013. [2:45:38] That shit stinks. Fire everybody. [2:45:43] 2013. Yeah. [2:45:45] Those Amazing Race videos were probably like 2005, 2006, 2007. Yeah, five, I think. I think those videos were before the whole Mencia thing at the store. [2:45:55] that's right because he was like why do you what who are you to say anything about racial jokes amazing racist yeah yeah yeah [2:46:04] Wow. That's crazy they got Adrian Brody. [2:46:09] He's probably paid money to try to get that released, like deleted. I've never heard of it. No one even knows about it. They do now. They do now. That's right. You have a pretty decent-sized platform. Millions of people are currently listening. Yeah, you guys are actually going to make a fucking ton of money on that movie. Sham-O, guys. Is he alive? Oh, yeah. He did kill Tony. Recently? Yeah. A year ago? He got caught biting that hook. No, the hooker was biting his tongue, and he had to, like, get off my fucking tongue. And he was like... [2:46:33] He did something. [2:46:36] That's not so bad. What was he doing with his tongue? She bit it. [2:46:39] Why would you have your tongue involved in a hooker at all? What's happening? Yeah, you don't kiss a hooker. Well, you do if you're drunk. Passionately. Yeah. Sometimes you pay for just kisses. Let's go. I wish you were my girlfriend. We knew a guy at the comedy store who would pay extra. I'm not going to say who, but who would pay extra to go down on hookers.

[2:47:02] Really? Yes. To go down on hookers. You don't know him. [2:47:06] Wow. He would pay extra for that? Oh, I do know. I do know. He's the fucking man. He's the dog man. He's the funniest. He would be open about it. He's like, nah, they won't let you go down. The ShamWow guy is running for Congress? I'll vote for it. Make America grow some balls again. Like here, it's like Cedar Park. [2:47:23] What? Yeah. What is his first nine bills in Congress? Let's read what he says. He's posing with a headset? No tax on Social Security. That's reasonable. Great. Parental class view. Don't know what that is. What does that mean? Ring cameras to protect our homes. We do not. Oh, and classes. Woke buster. Oh, ring cameras in classes. That's not a bad idea. N-triple-X on X. Pornography on X. Oh, boo. [2:47:45] It sounds like this guy wants to jerk off the kids. And he's pretending to be a congressman to go, we should set up cameras in schools. [2:47:53] I like number five. Cowboy code. Has to be a shoe in a customer service. That's not bad. That's not bad. [2:47:59] Agent! [2:48:00] Ancients! Yeah, that'll ruin India. Oh, interesting. Children need to pray? Oh, come on. A lot of kid stuff coming out of this guy. Yeah. Does he have children? Cowboy codes for kids. Find out if he actually has children. Doubt it. Doubt it. Let's find out the Shamwell guy as a family. Oh, we got a Jew here, Shlomi. Oh, yeah, there's Shlomi. He sent me a Shamwell jacket. [2:48:21] Did you wear it everywhere? Made entirely out of Shamwells. Did you wear it everywhere? He is a charming fellow. He must be great when it rains out and that thing weighs 80 pounds. [2:48:30] Wear that for the roast. I go, great, now I weigh 375 pounds. Find out if that guy has a family. His story is actually pretty interesting. It's kind of odd that he's concentrating so much. He would just sell shit in Atlantic City, like on the streets. I think it was a bad day. And he was just great at it. And he goes, I'll take out Byron Allen late night spots and just sell to more people. He must have made so much money.

[2:48:51] He had a fortune. ShamWow was nice. I'll tell you, I got a good ShamWow story. [2:48:54] One time I was staying at my buddy's house... [2:48:57] And I stood up in the middle of the night. [2:48:59] He gave me his bed, so I was in that, but his roommate was in the other bed. [2:49:03] It was in college. And I just stood up and pissed on the other guy's bed while he was in it. Oh, damn. And then in the morning, I got a Shamwell. He soaked it all up? And just pressed it against this guy. Is that what it does? It soaks? Yeah. It soaks really well. Well, it's a chamois cloth. A chamois cloth is a thing they use to wash cars with forever. He said he went to seven companies in Korea. He goes, send me each one. He goes, this one's the best one. All right, put my name on that and run them out. So is it like a synthetic version of a chamois cloth? [2:49:33] animal skin cloth that you use to clean cars with. [2:49:36] No, I do. Yeah, chamois cloth is like you wash the car, and then the car has all this water on it. You use the chamois cloth first, and then you polish it with microfiber cloths. Yeah, it's what it is. Actually, yeah, it's very absorbent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the chamois thing. Yeah, it's a good product. You bring them up. It reminds me of, yeah. Yeah, chamois cloths. I used to do that. Yeah, I used to do that. I used to work at a car wash. I used to work at an auto auction. There you go. In a dealership and a garage. Oh, there you go. I used to do it all the time. Which is why tires is so good. It's out of knowledge, for sure. You're right what you know. [2:50:06] He had a muscle car. [2:50:08] You need a muscle car, Shane. I... [2:50:10] Hey Shane, you know what this massive purchase he's made? Hey. I'm doing it wrong. No, no, no, he's not doing it wrong. I'm happy with that one. That's the one's great, but how about also, how about also you get like a modern muscle car that works really well? Like a charger? Do you know about Revology Mustangs? Pull it up. Have you ever seen my '68 Mustang? Yes. My bullet Mustang? Yeah, that shit rocks. Yeah, rocks, right? There's a company, this company, Revology, they're the shit. They make a brand new 1969 Mustang. Well, that's what I wanted. What? Yes. I wanted an old, you know what I wanted? Look at that.

[2:50:40] This is Revology. What do you mean brand new? They just recreate it? So this is, no, the guy, Tom Scarpello, he worked at Ford. He made the Ford GT. Can you imagine me getting out of that in fucking gym shorts? Me. I do it all the time. Yeah, but you look cool. I would look like a fucking idiot. You look cool. You look fucking American. You do look American. You look American. So that's what I have. I have that car. I have that car on the left. I have that car on the left. [2:51:06] Yeah. [2:51:07] I have, well, you have that one, the blue? I have the, well, mine is actually green. That is beautiful. Like Steve McQueen's. I have a green one, a 68. But the point is he makes the new one, which is even cooler than the 69. Go to Models, Jamie. 57 is the one. Go to Models. [2:51:24] And this is... Or 66 and a half. No, no, no, no, no, no. The new 69 is the shit. That one, the Boss. The Boss 429. Click on that. So it's just an old body with a new car. But it's not an old body. It's a brand new exact version. So he makes the metal? Yes. This is genius. It's a full factory, but it's completely reliable. I can't drive that. Yes, you can. It's like making Jordan 1s. I will force you at gunpoint to drive that. You need one of those. You need a black one. No, I need a 97 Land Cruiser. Ooh, that's a cool car. [2:51:54] You do? Yeah. That's what I was like. I have a 95 with a supercharged Corvette engine in it. And I need a new car. And I couldn't wait long enough to get one. Buick Regal. What you got is perfect. What you got is perfect. Buick Regal. Do you want to tell people what you got? You need a LeBaron. No, don't tell me what you got. But what you got, see, that's what I should be driving. Yeah, that's a real car. I love those. Jamie, pull up mine. I have a 1995 that TLC made me, and I had to put a supercharged Corvette engine in it.

[2:52:24] it up to 800 horsepower. It's got dual exhaust now. Oh, it's a total apocalypse car. It's got a gun safe in it. It's got everything. Who's the nerd? That's my friend Jonathan Ward who fucking built the car for me. He's the man. Now, Jamie, call for 2017 to order Corolla. That guy needs a wedgie. No, but you need a 69 Boss. That's what you need. Look at that. Oh, you got the winch. Yeah, oh, it's got everything. Well, I got this when I was worried that, well, I had a family and I was worried [2:52:54] experience an apocalypse, and I had to be able to drive somewhere where there's no roads. So I got an extra large gas tank on that thing. Nice. I have steel bumpers all around, rock sliders on the side. I wanted to make it so I could just go. Run over protesters. I can't wait to get away. I can't wait to die at the gates in front of your house when the apocalypse happens. You're not going to die? I can't wait for someone to. Please, let her. Come on, dog. I'm going to let you in. Come on, dog. Please, please. Come on. How dare you? Save me. You parked there like, do not get out of your car. [2:53:24] We'll be at the ranch. We'll have the ranch fully operational by now. But between now and then, you need a fucking Mustang. You need a boss, brother. Yeah. [2:53:32] Is Mustang the only one they make? Can we get like an old Porsche? Can I get an old... Well, there's plenty of companies that do that. I'm too big for an old Porsche. You're too big for a Porsche. A Land Cruiser would be sick. There's another company called RSR Recreations. They make a 911. You can get it with no fucking AC, no nothing. It only weighs 2,000 pounds.

[2:54:13] Let's get rid of APAC. Let's get rid of all those fucking lobbies. Let's get rid of all lobbies. Yeah, all lobbies. Not just APAC. Not just the ones that are convenient now. You need a muscle car. [2:54:21] If you don't want to get that, how about a new muscle car? How about a Shelby... [2:54:28] A Shelby Super Snake R. Brother, I'm never driving that, bro. I bet you should. You need one car. What? You need one car to drive a car. I have a pretty small house in a tiny garage. What are you, a communist? You need to get a new house. First of all, you need to do your fucking... [2:54:47] baller now. So you need a new look at that. That's a Shelby Super Snake R. Oh, he can't drive there. Do you know what that would look like? Me getting out or bringing a girl there and going look, I'm not going to get hard. 850 fucking horsepower. That's going to be great to pull into a parking lot. [2:55:01] Shut up, Ari. You've got to take that on the open road. I was telling Ari back when Ari first started making money. I go, Ari, please get a nice car. Please just get a nice car. How about a Cadillac Blackwing? 2022 Toyota Corolla. How about one of these? [2:55:15] How about a CT5V Blackwing? How about that? Can't have a caddy? Come on. I agree. If I saw someone driving that, I'd be like it. Bro, those things fucking rule. That's my dad's car. No, no, no. That is not your dad's car. That's a black guy. That thing has almost 700 horsepower. Very reliable. Very reliable. You can solder the fucking hood shut for five years. Why would you do that, Ari? You have money, too, Ari. You drive me crazy. I'm trying to get him to buy a BMW M3 in, like, 2008. Ooh, that'd be nice. I love a BMW.

[2:55:45] Because I had to put all my money to this goddamn storytelling show. I put my money to that. Yeah, but you made it back already. You spent more money. Yeah, I had to make the budget back. The end available right now. I've tried for years, maybe decades, to try to talk you into buying a nice car. Yeah. He can't. Look at that hat. It's New York. You can't have a nice car anymore. Yeah, you can't have a nice car. I got an old baby. You've got enough money to house other places. [2:56:07] She's got a house out here. [2:56:09] Get a house out here with a garage and keep some nice cars in it so you can fucking roll. Do you have enough money for that? No, I do not. You spent all your money in Haasemond. I'll give you the fucking money. Tell me what car you want to buy. Well, hold on a second. Are you buying houses? Oh, remember, do you? You're buying a car, not a house. I'm still waiting to get a watch. I held out. He said watch. I'll hold out for cars. He gave you a watch. You wear it. You wear that piece of shit. It's a Rolex. I can't do it. I would buy you a watch if you'd wear it. If I buy you a watch, will you wear it? Sure. How many times? Every day. I'm thinking of the same. I shower with this. Right. [2:56:39] bought you a real watch? I mean, not like a Rolex. One of those astronaut fuckers. You're not going to wear a Rolex. Okay. You would wear one of those? Yeah, but I don't want to. Next, protect our parks. I'm going to get you a Speedmaster. Pause. Hold on. Omega Speedmaster. Can I tell you what he wants? Shamwell is a Speedmaster. He wants that size watch, not a bulky one. He wants a thinner watch. I like a small watch. This is not too big. This is a Rolex. That's crazy. But it's on a rubber strap. It's a little understated. G-Shock. G-Shock rules. Sick. Would you wear that? Indiglo? [2:57:09] you [2:57:09] I like a metal band, but yeah, it's a good-looking watch. Right. $100,000? What did Louie get you? He got me the oyster face, or what do you call it? Oh, okay. It's really nice, and it's inscribed in the back. Thanks for working with me, LCK. Yeah, but you don't even wear it. It's on my shelf. It's propped up. Okay.

[2:57:27] So if I buy you an Omega, you're going to wear it? Hell yeah. No, you don't have to buy me an Omega. Shut the fuck up. It's over. Norman, Norman, you're going to love this. [2:57:35] EGIT gave me the coolest thing that I have, which was Norm MacDonald's. [2:57:40] cup on the late night [2:57:42] with Letterman. The actual mug from the label. He gave me this. Pull that up. From Norm doing... [2:57:51] The talk show? Oh, Letterman. That's tight. Wow, that's cool. Wow, that's a great one. That's the best gift I got. That's great. I would protect that. That'd be scary that someone would break that. Imagine if a chick comes over your house and drops that. I would have a cup of tea. I would punch it. Whoopsies. Oh, I protect it. It's on my mantle. It's in the middle. It's above my mantle. Wow, that's great. I'd put, like, ring ropes around it to cushion it. Yeah, I probably should. Mickey Mantle. Yeah. Mickey Mantle. That's a good one. That's the best one. Those Rodney notes are great. [2:58:21] Isn't that amazing in the green room? Yeah, that's pretty cool. The handwritten Rodney notes from his Tonight Show special. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Whitney got us those. Rodney's wife donated it. She found out about the club. She knew we were doing it, and she donated it to us. Wow. Very cool. That's a cool thing to see in there. It's amazing. [2:58:36] And you get to read them and you see how they would make the punchlines bold and all the notes, then bold punchline. [2:58:43] Oh, yeah. It's cool. It's like the feeling, the spirit of joke writing is in that room. He was a drug addict. Allegedly. No. The coolest thing about Rodney was that when we was illegal. He enjoyed drugs. I don't know if he was a drug addict. When weed was illegal and cops would come into a club he was in, he was just smoking weed. He would just go up to them. Like, hello, officer. How you doing? Just holding. He knew he was immune. No one's going to touch him. I told you guys when I worked as a security guard, when I got to see Rodney perform, when I worked as a security guard. Whoa. Have you seen that?

[2:59:13] up a guy with a walkie-talkie. No, I didn't beat him up. No, that was Alley Cat. That was my boss. [2:59:19] First day, that was the first thing I've heard you say. I was like, damn, Joe's old. He was like, no, that was my boy, Alley Cat. That was the boss. Alley Cat was the boss. So what happened was, one of the guys from my Taekwondo gym got hired to be security. And they were like, bro, it's like 50 bucks an hour. It's really cool. You get to see concerts. So we all went, and I got to see Rodney [2:59:43] Rodney was backstage with nothing on but a bathrobe. Open? [2:59:48] Completely naked. No, I didn't see that. I saw him walking around with slippers and a bathrobe. And then he went on stage with nothing but a bathrobe. Damn. Bathrobe, naked underneath. What? Went on stage that way? That's amazing. In 1986. Wow. And fucking destroyed. I was 19. Wow. I was mesmerized. And back then, I wasn't even thinking about doing comedy. I was just fighting. And I was enjoying it. And I was like, this guy's so free. I remember thinking that. Yes. Like, this guy's on stage with a bathrobe. [3:00:18] Oh, yeah. I get no respect. No respect at all. And the fucking place is going nuts. He was killing punchline after punchline after punchline. I was 19. I mean, I was blown away. And you were working. I was working. Yeah, I was a security guard. That's a good gig. I had to see the shows. That was also the job that I quit when, you know, the whole thing would happen with COVID where Neil Young pulled his music off Spotify because I was giving out vaccine misinformation. Wait, is that until he couldn't get it played elsewhere? Yeah. It was not really. He didn't even own his music. It's all bullshit.

[3:00:48] But anyway, I didn't shit on him at the time, even though he's trying to ruin my life, because I was a Neil Young fan. And I told the story about how when I was a security guard, the last day on the job was a Neil Young concert because a riot broke out. And a riot broke out. I was like, I'm not fighting for 50 bucks an hour. I zipped up my hoodie and I just walked out and I never even got my last check. Damn. It was cold out in Great Woods in Mansfield has a whole lawn. It's an amphitheater. So the front part that's all seated has a cover over it. [3:01:18] parts a lawn and it was a little cold out so these fucking animals the neil young concert started lighting bonfires and so the security guys had to come over and tell them hey put out the fires and drunk guys were like fuck you and my friend larry punched some guy and larry was like the nicest guy in the world like oh my god we're having a war and so the fight started breaking up and as soon as like my friends were safe and we were i'm like let's get the fuck out of here i put out my hoodie and i just quit i'm like i'm not fighting these fucking people that was my last [3:01:48] fist fighting at a fucking Neil Young. Neil Young. It's so crazy. Yeah. [3:01:55] Ten Taekwondo black belts, including like national level competitors that were all security guards and just waiting to kick somebody into a coma. Just roundhouse and Neil Young fans. We'd never, I mean. Oh, you got him. Who's Joe DeRosa? One guy. Okay, let's hear this. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. All right, go. [3:02:17] Uh, hold on. No audio. Where's the volume? I don't know. There's no sound. I remember. That was just COVID time, huh? Yep. I remember you'd wear that. Oh, my gosh. The song's out in there. Is this our? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like, I'll add this song. What's with the glasses? I don't know. I was doing something. It's Skiggles. It's Skiggles.

[3:02:34] Oh, my God. This is brutal. I forgot that was my best part. I said, I'll add the music. [3:02:40] Broken your servant I knew. [3:02:45] Thank you. [3:02:45] Please turn this off. This is horrific. Oh, where did he go? Oh! [3:02:52] I love the derosis so much. Where did he go? Oh, man, he took it so serious. [3:02:58] That's not as fun as Roddy naked. [3:03:02] Goddamn, Shane, you killed me. I did not enjoy that at all. [3:03:06] That was bad. [3:03:07] I'll turn it. Did you see the Scientology speedruns that were going around last week or two? Kids are breaking into Scientology places all over the country. They're breaking into them? Why? They're calling speedruns. [3:03:19] Speed runs? Yeah. No, let me see this. They're trying to get as deep as they can possibly get. Into a Scientology building? The Scientology building removed all the doors. Yeah. A secret. Speed runs. Wow. That guy, the White House Correspondents. [3:03:33] Yeah. So cold. Oh, you don't play games? No, I don't. Wow. Damn. Speedruns is such a great way to go through something. Just run as fast as just flip-free. So this is a trend? They'll kill you, those guys. To the point right now that they've taken the handles off the doors on the outside. I went. Me and Natasha went to Scientology once. Really? Yeah. And they kind of got me a little. [3:04:00] They were like, can we get some information from you? I'm like, I'm in my home address if you want. And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, I don't know. They're getting me. The book they saw was, it's good for ages eight to eight. Wow. So this kid just ran through? Whoa. Yeah, so he was busting through, making noise. Maybe whites are coming back. Causing as much chaos as they can in like 10 seconds. They're not really doing anything other than just. Good for them. And all these other people behind them, are they Scientologists? Are these just all the kids? These would all be the kids running through the building. Also, there's more than one kid. There's multiple kids. 30 of them. Good for them. Because some will get through.

[3:04:30] Look how deep they're going. Yeah, they're just like, what's inside? What are you guys hiding? I love these guys. Because no one really has ever seen inside those buildings. They're having fun. Oh, how weird. And they just run out the exit. Well, they're like the second biggest real estate holders in Los Angeles, I think. Yeah, they're crazy. Oh, my God. Look at this guy trying. I think it's like China and then Scientology raid with Jesus. They're trying to open the door. Whoa, I love it. Oh, this is so crazy. Dude, it's over. They got you. They deserve this. Those guys are cunts. This is so crazy. I mean, look at the inside, though, too. I've never seen it. [3:04:57] Scientology has a voting block in Los Angeles. Wow, it's pretty cool inside. It's like a museum. Look at that. Wow, I want to go in there. Wow. [3:05:05] Yeah, because you take a photo outside their building, they'll tackle you. Well, I remember during the 90s, a lot of people were thinking about joining Scientology because it was really good for your career back then. They had an acting class. Yeah. [3:05:18] They had Will Smith. Playhouse West. Tom Cruise. Brian Callen was in an acting class with a Scientology guy. [3:05:24] And I remember he was, like, telling me that, like, a lot of these Scientologists, they, like, get really far in acting because, like, you get connected. [3:05:31] Right. Deepest recorded Scientology run. [3:05:35] Deepest. It just started recently, I think like this month. Good for them. Look at this guy moving. Look at this guy with the fucking suits trying to stop him. They put a hand out as if that's going to do it. Very unenthusiastic. Hey, did you guys see the fat principal who stopped the school shooting? Yeah. That was amazing. What? He got shot in the leg. I think it was in Virginia. He got shot. The guy came into the building with a gun, and this fucking principal just rushes him,

[3:06:01] him, holds on to the gun. He got shot in the leg, apparently. Badass. And then he went into a party. It was like the prom. Yeah, it was the prom like a week later and everybody went crazy and cheered. He became very emotional. Very emotional. He stopped shooting. 20 deaths. Yeah, I mean he stopped it in his tracks as the guy came in through the front door. You do have one moment where like you see it, you realize and you're like, let's go. School principal injured in school shooting. Shooter identified as former student. This isn't Oklahoma. [3:06:31] coin. Yeah. Wow. Look at the guy. That's the guy. But if you watch the video, the guy fucking literally threw himself on the guy with the gun. Completely heroic. Show me his face again, dude. That's a guy who loves brewskis. [3:06:43] Oh, yeah. Barbecue, sandwiches. Give me a barbecue, brewskis. I'm going to tackle this fucking weirdo. He's probably not worried about his death. Hey, Mark, I can't even strike you that yet. You know what I'm saying? He's ready to go to Valhalla, dude. He's a Viking. That's an American Viking, dude. You get fat and shit, you drink beers, you go, fuck it, I've been waiting for somebody to kill me. See you in Valhalla, brother. He's a hero, goddammit. [3:07:06] Didn't Cash Patel say that about somebody seeing Valhalla? Yeah, about Charlie Kirk. Yeah. The corniest fucking shit ever. [3:07:12] Ooh. [3:07:12] That's a rough one. Your watch is over. We'll see you in Valhalla, brother. Shut up. I was watching a video on what a 30-odd-six round actually would do to a neck. [3:07:22] Oh, no. Here we go. Yeah. They showed what the actual rifle round would do to a person's neck versus what you saw from Charlie Kirk. There's a lot of people that don't think it was really that guy on the roof that shot him that was something else. Some people think it was a microphone. What? Yeah, the microphone shot him in the neck. The microphone? It was some sort of an implemented destruction device. The problem I have with that is you don't see any fire coming off of the microphone. Right.

[3:07:52] of charge and then you'll see a flash and then something will projectile from that into your neck. They say a microphone shot him in the neck. Yeah, somebody shot him, right? If a rifle shoots your neck, wouldn't it go through? Is it so far away? You would imagine it would. And in these videos that I saw, it shows a massive destruction. So what they're using is ballistic gel. And so they have a fake neck and a fake head and a spine. They show ballistic gel, what it looks like. And it just... [3:08:17] blows the neck completely apart. It's just splatter, a giant opening wound, because this tissue is very soft. I mean, this is not durable tissue. And he got shot, and it was not even an exit hole. Did they catch the guy? [3:08:32] Supposedly. You don't know that? You don't know the little story? Well, you know him. He didn't beat you. He was in Guatemala. Oh, you're so out of the room. I remember at a bar in Guatemala, someone was like, who's Charlie Kirk? I'm like, I think he makes fun of college kids. You're right about that. [3:08:43] That's not wrong. And then I was like... [3:08:46] Like, I think he got killed. I was like, oh. Bro, there's many, many, many, many, many layers to that story. Pass the weed. And his wife. We're at an outdoor bar. Like, yeah, anyway, bro. Pass the weed. Pass that over. Pass the weed. Yeah. Sorry. Many levels to that story. I don't mean to come down on you, but that's awesome. Pass the weed. [3:09:05] Oh, man, I don't even know that guy. You were gone for so long past the weed. Dude, I was looking for weed, and I was smoking. I'm like, I'm looking for that weed. In Guatemala? Yeah, at a bar. What is the legality of weed in Guatemala? No. [3:09:15] Same as... [3:09:16] like [3:09:17] five years ago here, like... [3:09:18] Do it quietly. Oh, you can get arrested, though.

[3:09:22] And you wind up in a Guatemalan jail. Imagine if we had to bail you out, like fucking the A-team. You wouldn't even know. We would never bail you out. I would. I'd go there. Let him sit there for a little. You would fly to Guatemala? 100%. 100%. Yeah, if Ari was in jail in Guatemala, 100% we'd get him out. No, that'd be fun, though, to let him sit for a few days. He needs to learn his lessons. I can't have a lesson. Of course I'm going to get weed. I'm the guy who gets weed. The lesson is keep getting weed, man. We'd have to go get him. I'd make you guys come with me. We'd have to film him. [3:09:52] our parks from a fucking national park. From a cell. Whoever filmed that whole run that you did, we'll have that guy. [3:09:59] Yeah, he'll put some witty quotes. Get him in there. Get Ari in there. Look at this. State of emergency. Gang prisons. Prison riots in the gangs. He'd be in that gang getting fucked. [3:10:10] Good to get you back in the camps. I can't have you in there, Ari. Getting fucked by these Guatemalan dudes. Dude, those guys who gave me weed and told me about Charlie Kirk... [3:10:16] They were like, what do you think about Trump? I'm like, I don't really know. [3:10:19] And then I figured out how to turn it away from that conversation. I go, how's your guy? And they go, our guy sucks. He's so crooked. Maduro? No, it was somebody in Guatemala. Oh, sorry. Wrong country. You just turn it on their guy. They love talking about it. Yeah, it's Maduro. It's far away. Yeah. Turn it on now. He's crooked. He takes money from corporations. I'm like, yeah, we do that. Boo. Yeah. Better than El Salvador. That place is even crazier. No. El Salvador rules. They stopped all the crimes. Didn't they have a ton of gangs? [3:10:49] them all in giant prisons and stopped all the crime. They drove them out, killed the rest.

[3:10:54] Can we do that? Their crime dropped off a fucking cliff. Maybe that's why it's a big story here, Mark. I guess so. No, that guy is a hero to everyone there. We should do that. They all love him. Look at this. Agreed. Everyone who was there loves him. Everyone who came in later was like, oh, so-so. That's El Salvador. We should do that to our civilians. Look at the guy in the back. He's kind of fat. [3:11:13] I bet there's a few guys in there that don't belong. [3:11:18] Yeah, I'd say so. No, there's a story here that anyone with a tattoo would get arrested. And they're like, "No, no. It's anyone with a tattoo of a cop you've killed with his badge number." You get arrested. They captured all the Nate Diaz's. All Nate Diaz's. Yeah, they do look like Nate. Nate. They're all gonna stand up and go, "What's up?" He is up, bro. He got their country back. Damn, the tattoo guys are cleaning up out there. Wait, wait, let's see if we can see his badge tattoos. Bro, look at that guy's face. When you tattoo your face up like that, you are not fucking around. So a lot of the face tattoos are loved ones they've raped. [3:11:47] No. Did you just make that up? No, I didn't just make it up. What? You get extra points for raping a mom, a sister, an aunt. Your own mom? Yeah, buddy. [3:11:56] Wow. It wasn't a great situation. Where are you coming up with this? Talking to El Salvadorans. Oh, my God. In El Salvador. I think your Spanish was a little broken. They had a soccer game. It's non-existent. Can you speak Spanish at all? Oh, yeah. They had a soccer game. Say something. Order pizza. [3:12:15] Yo quiero una pizza por fa. Oh, come on. That was Yo Quiero Taco Bell with pizza. They had a soccer game they played in the poor town where they cut babies out of a woman

[3:12:26] with it. Oh my god. Hey, it makes soccer interesting. Their gangs are trained by U.S., but pretty strong. [3:12:34] So he got to get rid of them. But what they did was nuts, though. They just made these giant super prisons and just put everybody in there, and the crime dropped off a cliff. Right. [3:12:43] Damn. I went to Independence Day parade there. [3:12:47] It was wild how much everyone was like, what are you doing here? This is wild. Our guy is the best. It's the only country where they're like, we love our guy. It was wild. Everyone else, we hate our guy. They love their guy. They wouldn't even let him into Nicaragua. Yeah. They wouldn't let Ari into Nicaragua. Fake news. Fake news. They love that guy. [3:13:05] They loved that guy. It was the first time they could go out in public and do anything. What's his name? What's the name of the El Sal? He's half Arab. [3:13:15] They don't care. What kind of... I don't know. The good kind. The good kind. [3:13:19] Is there? Not Palestinian. No, no, no. I just mean... Wow. Is it Jewish? I bet. No, no. It's not supported. The claim that specific face tattoos in El Salvador marked someone who was raped a family member is not supported by credible evidence. By the way, what credible evidence do you get? Talk to so many people there, so disagree with this. [3:13:39] It's hard to know because how many people are documenting this stuff in peer-reviewed papers. [3:13:46] you know what I mean like what is propensity drawing from [3:13:49] yeah people on the streets are like this is what happens yeah well i'm sure a lot of it did happen yeah i'm sure a lot of it happened you know i there was a guy that used to be the fucking doorman at the improv and he showed me this cartel video of this guy getting eaten by a pit bull and it still haunts my dreams the guy was he was tied up arms and legs and the pit bull was eating his dick the pit bull was just completely locked on this guy's cross this guy was screaming michael

[3:14:19] sent me this from the cartel. And I'm like, why are you showing me this? I have to go do it on stage for 20 minutes. [3:14:24] Oh, man. I was trying to do the sound. I couldn't do it. In my head, I was thinking about doing it. I couldn't think of it. What? That was pretty good. I was like, James don't sound like that. That was damn good. Michael Winslow. [3:14:39] Just that this giant-headed pit bull was locked on this guy's dick, and he was screaming, and I've never forgot it. Well, it's – yeah, the internet hit us at different ages like that because I got hit with those when I was young. [3:14:49] You're right. And I was like, that's enough. Yeah. They're not fun. But if I was an adult and somebody showed me something horrific like that, that does stick with you. Oh, yeah. Me and Segura, we have a text chain. Me and Segura, it's the worst shit that either one of us find on the internet. They don't really toss those around anymore. The cartel videos. Yeah, this was someone who was a cop sent it to this guy. And then this guy showed me. [3:15:12] God, the shit cops must see. Oh, right. Tough. They need the Ibogaine. They got high suicide. Oh, very high. Very high. All first responders, they all have much higher suicide rates in general population. That's not normal to see that much damage. Imagine you're a guy who just shows up at car accidents every day. Every day. You see one. You're like, I got to go to therapy. Right. You see a family. Three a week. Legs and splatter and dead babies and fucking moms. Have somebody go, am I going to be okay? And you're like, you look at his arm and leg over there and you're like. [3:15:42] Yeah. [3:15:43] And people hate you on top of that. That's true. That sucks. You can't win. Especially cops.

[3:15:49] But first responders, people don't even hate them. Nobody really hates ambulance drivers. No. No, or firemen. Or firemen, yeah. [3:15:56] Well, it's crooked. What? They're not. [3:16:01] What? Boys, we've got to wrap this up. [3:16:04] I don't think we did. I think we just started. We just started. We're just getting cooking. JMO's drunk. You're not going anywhere, brother. You're going to bong another beer. I've got to do a thing soon. What do you have to do? I've got to do a thing on my kids' school. You've got to do a beer, kids' school. Tonight? Yeah, I've got to go to a thing on my kids' school. Oh, you're going to reek a booze. You've got to be drunk for this. You can bong one more and then that's it, Joe. Allegedly. What are you going to do? A class play? A thing. I've got to go to a thing. Show and tell? You can bong a beer. PTA? No, I can't. I can't. You can bong a beer before kids. No. [3:16:34] a little bit. Talent show? I'll go to the bathroom one more time, but we're not ending here. One more time. How many times have you gone to the bathroom? You were already on three. I haven't gone once, you fucking dirty. I'm in competition with you. You dream sipping a fucking bulldog. I haven't even seen you refill that thing. I make the noise every time. [3:16:51] Twice. True. Twice. [3:16:53] I remember the noise twice. [3:16:56] Ah, so nice to be back, boys. It is. It is good to be back. This is so fun. It is good to be back. I don't want to speak out of school, but this might be the best one. We missed you, dude. It was weird not knowing where you were. It was very uncomfortable. I didn't like it. Sorry. [3:17:08] I was completely fine with it. [3:17:11] Dude, when I texted you when I was back, you're like, who is this? I was just like... [3:17:15] Hey, it's the Jew. I say some very specific things. You're like, who is this? You know who the fuck it is. And you're like, yes, motherfucker. Well, I still get a million. I knew it was you. I started getting text messages from an unknown number. They knew things about me. I'm like, who the fuck is this? Yes, you did that. But I've been meaning to change my phone number for so long. Every time a new one comes in, I'm like, oh, fuck this. I got the same one since 7th grade. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Let's go. Oh, tits.

[3:17:42] This is Moscow whores. No. [3:17:45] No, this is Florida. Oakland Coliseum. Oakland. Oakland Coliseum. Oakland was white. These were the Raiders played. [3:17:54] Teddy. What year? I will never get tired of this song. Wow. I'll never get tired of this song. [3:18:03] We can't go out on this because they can't hear it. Yeah, bong them. [3:18:09] Wait, they're not allowed to hear this? I don't know. Sometimes they are. We'll see what happens. [3:18:15] tune. [3:18:16] Let's get JMO on. I went to see them recently in Texas. Let's get the whole game. Really? Yeah, but it's different. Will you give JMO one? I will. So many people are dead. Right. It's not the same. It's the same band. You've got to see them when they're all there. Yeah. It's a tribute band a little bit. They did great. Oh, yeah. It was still the great songs. But Party is like, I wish the real guys were alive. It's like if you went to see a... [3:18:38] A Hendrix tribute band. You just get sad. Tribute band. Right. Yeah, you just get sad. Like, I missed Hendrix. I don't want to say Led Zepp again. [3:18:45] Well, you know what's weird is like Journey, they have like that guy, Steve, what is his name? The lead singer of Journey? Steve Perry. Steve Perry. He's still alive. Yeah. And he doesn't sing for Journey anymore. There's another guy who sings for Journey. He's like a Filipino guy. You can replace drummer. You can replace guitar. You cannot replace lead singer. Right. No way. Exactly. You need a front man. Jameson? Although I saw a foreigner. Wow. [3:19:07] Really? With the new guy. How was it? I was so excited. [3:19:11] Yeah? See Jukebox Hero Live? I saw that. Jukebox Hero. I saw it. Foreigner, Sticks, and Death Leopard. I was there for Foreigner. And then I worked in a factory the next day at 4 a.m. Damn. That shit sucked. What kind of factory? Ice cream. No way. I shoveled glue into a machine for 12 hours the next day. Glue? Glue's in ice cream? Did you just throw up? Yeah, we were making the packaging. Glue? We made the packaging. Oh, wow. That's crazy. Did you get free ice cream?

[3:19:42] That's crazy. You could stick your hand in the ice cream. We don't make ice cream you love. We make the package in the ice cream. Glue it on a machine sounds like fucking a sex doll. It was, yeah, a lot of glue. Ari, when do you decide when you're going to do these walkabouts? Like, how far out? Well, in advance. Probably a year. So, like, how much time between now and the next walkabout? No plans for the next one, yeah. You've done Asia. You've done South America. South America. You should go to Africa. Russia. No interest in Russia. [3:20:11] Go get arrested, faggot. Africa would be cool. Yeah, do it, pussy. Come on, you bitch. Go to Ghana. Go to Ghana. Go to fucking Gaza. I don't know where it'd be next. I dare you. Gaza's got no good coffee shops. [3:20:29] Not anymore. They're roasted. I bet they do. I bet they do. They did. They definitely did. Jesus Christ. Off the cuff. Off the cuff. You son of a bitch. [3:20:40] Yeah, I don't know where else could you go. Yeah, where? You've done everywhere. I want to go back to Asia. There's more of Asia. There's a lot of Asia. Philippines. No, I know. I really want to go to the Philippines. Bombshell sex harassment suit against... Who's that guy? Lorna. This video has nothing to do with that. JP Morgan branded complete fabrication as John Doe unmasked. What is this? [3:20:59] we were talking about earlier today. Oh, with the lady? That's the guy who made a story? So it's fake? Yeah. [3:21:03] That's the guy. That's the guy. So this is the guy who worked there? I knew it was fabricated. I knew. So everything is fabricated. Everything in the world is fabricated.

[3:21:14] Let me see the guy. So what is this? Show Lorna again. Go down and show the girl. Show the lady. Indian Jared Fogle. Oh, hello. Think of her being like that. Not bad. Wood. [3:21:23] But imagine her. She's walking around and everybody thinks that she said those horrible things and talked about her tits like they're cannons. Cannons. I'm so sorry if you're embarrassed about your bush. I'm not embarrassed. So this guy just made it all up? Yeah, look at it, dude. Is that the alleged? Come on. That guy's a virgin. He's got a fucking Leno nose. [3:21:41] Hmm. He does. Have you seen this? Have you heard about the cannons? Now deleted court papers. Ah, the cannons. Ah, he fell down a hill. Whoa, he even turned up unannounced at Rana's apartment and forced him to have sex. Oh, that was the, that was the, that was the lie. The lie. [3:21:58] Well, good for her. She's been exonerated. That's a lady going to force you to have sex. She categorically denies the allegations. She never engaged in any inappropriate conduct with this individual of any kind and has never been to the location where the alleged sexual assault supposedly took place. It's not sexual assault if a girl. No. Yeah, what are we going to force you? Like, what are we talking about? Go, come on. Just a come on 20 times in a row. You literally can't sexually assault a guy. I lost my virginity to a hooker when I was 16. She was probably 50. It was the best night of my life. [3:22:27] I'm a survivor. Oh, man. Look at that. They're posting pretty pictures. [3:22:31] What about Winona Ryder? You heard about her? Jamiroquai? What? No, she stayed in Jamiroquai? No, Jamiroquai and her used to fuck, and he said I couldn't keep up with her. She wanted to bang so much. Wow. It was, like, annoying. Jamiroquai's making a comeback. [3:22:43] I believe what he should discover. He shouldn't after that story. I know. He's like, go home. Think about it. He said she had huge tits and it was a problem. They were bigger than they looked. Pull it up, J-Mo. I dreamt of doing that. You've got to work out. You've got to go, hey. You've got to be prepared for that level of the game.

[3:22:59] He wasn't ready. The lights were too bright. How crazy is that? With Nona Ryder, like, imagine kicking her out of bed and like, you want to fuck too much. And this is like 30 years ago. You're sad about it. You're going to Jemura cry? Yeah. [3:23:10] Jamie, delete that. Nope. Keep it in. It was actually good, but your likability is the issue. [3:23:20] It's a really good joke. If I said it, we'd all be going, ah! [3:23:24] We're quiet. Such a weird name. What was his big song? He had that one really good song. Virtual Insanity. Yeah, there was a sick-ass music video where he was dancing. Well, he danced really cool, yeah. No, Jamar Karp. Yeah, that one. What was the song? Oh, Huge Bobby Milkers is what he said about her tits. [3:23:40] Are we sure this is true, though? Did he really say this? There it is. What's a Mommy Milker? The memes about the shocking viral stuff. Look how hot she was. [3:23:52] She was hot and she liked to shoplift. She's your kind of girl, Norm. Oh, yeah, big fan. You guys do shoplift together. Oh, yeah. I'll show her some strange things. Wow. Her boobs are too big and she wanted to have sex. Why do they have to cross out sex? [3:24:05] What happened to America? It's an algorithm thing. It's just so things don't get suppressed. I know. But it's sex. Blues are too big. Well, it's everything. What does that mean? You know, on TikTok, you can't use a juice box emoji. That's right. People are using it for the juice. Yes. But we love juice boxes. Yeah, but they don't. A free juice box? You don't waste time crap about juice. Free juice box, buddy. Juice are all about that. [3:24:27] But now the Jews own TikTok. That's right. Really? I think. Did it go through? Yeah. What's that guy's name? But they took it from China and sold it to... They purchased it at a reasonable rate. Ellison?

[3:24:39] Yeah. Yeah. Allison's Jewish. Yeah. [3:24:41] You got to see that face. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Larry Olsen? Wait till you see the mug. It looks like his mantle. [3:24:49] Yeah, I think, well, it's like they own TikTok now, and I think they're trying to own... The weather? ABC. The weather. Was that thing true about Iran? The drought? That, like, they shot down some weather station and then all of a sudden started raining like crazy in Iran. Oh! But then I read that that's horseshit. No, that's not horseshit. And that they experience the same amount of rain every year. So that's the thing. [3:25:11] By and all, those are conspiracies created by. Aha! You guys are hilarious. They go, you guys are dumb as shit. You'll believe we created the weather. Well, not created the weather. Control it, of course. But then you go, but you definitely bombed kids. [3:25:26] And that's not a conspiracy. [3:25:29] But also, they bombed everybody. The U.S. has bombed way more children. It was stolen rain. What do you mean? [3:25:36] The United States... [3:25:38] has killed way more children than what you're talking about. Oh, but that's true. Can we do this? Wait a minute. The way you guys did where it was... Look at this story. Yeah, you guys. I don't know. Well, you're going against the U.S. Shane, look at this story. [3:25:50] As fighting escalated and air corridors were restricted, social media posts allege that cloud-seeding aircraft used by the U.S. and its allies have been grounded, causing stolen rains to return. So we've been stealing rains from Iran for a long time? Wow, look at that Jerusalem post. Look how dope that building is. Look at that building. Is that an Iranian building? Looks like it. That building is dope as fuck. That's really cool. We should make up... When I buy a ranch, we should make that our podcast studio.

[3:26:20] Make it look just like that. I'm not sure you want that kind of idea. I think AI is going to detect it and blow it up. I'm not walking in there. Maybe it says something cool. [3:26:29] Fuck yeah. In Arabic, fuck yeah. It says America, fuck yeah in Arabic. [3:26:35] The Arabic writing is dope as fuck, though. It looks cool. It looks pretty slick. They invented writing? Where'd you hear that? Well, numbers, I should say. I thought that was cool. They came up with numbers. What do Greek do? We can give them that. But look. [3:26:46] Thanks, guys. What a great episode we had. We had a good run. Hey, should we get dinner? I'm starving. Fun times, boys. Ah, jeez. Next one. Next one. Two months. Let's do two months. Let's keep them regular. Two months? Come on. We can do two months. Come on. We're in May right now. Is it May yet? It's close. It's May 1st. Tomorrow is May 1st. Tomorrow is May. Yeah. Today, when it comes out, it's May 1st. Let's go. A lot of editing for JMO. June 13th. Just the end part. Speaking of the end. [3:27:16] Available at AriShaffir.com right now, starring Shane Gillis and Mark Norman. Available at AriShaffir.com. There it is. The end. Look at all those people. Look how terrible Bobby Kelly looks. Look at you, handsome son of a bitch. Oh, yeah. You belong in that period of time. I wish. I got a Netflix special out. Check it out. Let's bump it back up and choose a story. We might be drunk. Let's fucking go. Jews killed Jesus. Tyre's new season. When's the new season coming out? I don't know if I'm allowed to say. It should be around August. Okay. Yeah. Hell yeah. [3:27:46] Love you guys. Love you guys. Shout out to everybody out there listening. The parks are safe. Jihad.

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